FMIL Help
I need help in dealing with my FMIL. When we got engaged last year, we had a big fight about the wedding, what we wanted vs what she wanted. We let her have some time to cool down, but now she is starting again to try and control things. She has even been trying to get us to change our wedding date so that we can share an anniversary with her and my FH dad. We are planning a June wedding, they got married in August. I really don`t want to have our wedding in August because 1. Then I have to put off starting a new job following school for 2 months longer and 2. August here gets about 42 degrees C (or about 115F). I really don`t want to be having an outside wedding while the sun and wheather is that hot. We`ll all melt! She is also trying to convince me to have different coloured dresses for my BM`s. I am having them in different styles to fit their unique personalities, but I feel that the same colour is vital to maintain some continuity in my wedding party. I really want to involve her in the wedding. I am letting her choose the wines to be served (without my input at all) and also some small decisions such as menus and such, but my FH and I want to plan the big stuff the way we want it. Our wedding isn`t for another 2 years, and I am already seeing another fight coming on (the last time, she wouldn`t speak to us for 6 weeks). Please, does anyone have some suggestions to get our wedding back under our control and still maintain her as a happy participant? Any suggestions would be welcome.
Posted by Sarah; updated 04/13/04
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The only way is to stay firm. If you let into her whims, she will only try and control you even more. What happens when you have children? Will she insist you change the names that you and your husband have picked out because she dosen`t like them? She tends to forget one very important thing. This is YOUR wedding, not hers. People who are this controling are the same ones who would NEVER let anyone elsecontrol their decisions. Believe me. I know. My father asked me what I wanted and said he would pay for my entire reception. He then added 40 people to my guest list that I did not want to attend. People I don`t get along with, and people he knows my mother don`t get along with. He refused to comprimise even though he knew I did not want a big wedding and I`m sure he only wanted most of these people there hoping to make my mother uncomfortable. That is how selfish and imature he has been since tthey got divorced seven years ago.I tried reasoning with him and he told me, "if you want the wedding that you want, you can pay for the whole thing." So I am. I`ll be damned If I let anyone else control my day. This is what you will always remember as the happiest day of your life, unless you let someone else ruin it for you.
Posted by Emily; updated 04/13/04
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Yes, the last post was right about her trying to change your baby`s name. My FMIL did that to us so instead of having it as a first name, it went as a middle name. Plus a TON of other stuff this psycho b**ch from h**l has done.
I agree with standing firm. My FMIL went with me when I picked up my dress and she picked out my veil. I am lucky enough that she has moved 4 hrs away and doesn`t come around too often except my boys` birthdays.
MY Mom on the other hand is the control freak. She thinks just because my FH and I have 2 kids together we shouldn`t have a wedding. I always remind her that unlike her, who has been married 4 times, I am only doing it once AND that her and my dad(don`t ask) are NOT paying a single cent for any of it so she can butt out!
I agree with you about the August heat ( I was preg. In August) I wouldn`t want that either.
Is she paying for any of this? Especially the BM dresses? If not I would tell her that you and your FH are having a great time doing this together and if you need help you`d be happy to ask her for it. Reassure her she is doing a fine job on picking the wine!
Good luck!
Posted by Brandy; updated 04/13/04
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My FH`s parents are paying for the alcohol (thusly I`m being fair by letting her pick it) and for some food. My folks and us are paying for everything else. She also wants these butt ugly BM dresses, but I keep telling her that I am letting my girls pick the dresses, she doesn`t listen. I am trying my best to maintain my cool as well as my control in the wedding, I just feel a little pressured between planning and going to school full time and working part time that I don`t know sometimes if it would be easier to let her have her own way. I know though that you are right, if I give in now, she will think that it is acceptable to do for the rest of our lives. Thanks for the encouragement and advice. Anything else is welcome!
Posted by Sarah; updated 04/13/04
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I know this is a little unethical but tell her your BM`s have already picked and purchased their dresses (if they haven`t done so) that will give you a little breathing space.
What does your FH say about all of this? I know mine NEVER stands up to his mother about anything. I am always the one that has to tell her the way it is.
I completely understand about teh school/work thing. I go to school full time, getting ready to leave for the military and raising a family, talk about stress! My FH works 3rd so he sleeps most of the day so more often than not I feel like a single parent. I have 2 boys and I HOPE to God I do not become "the mother in law from h*ell".
I would just kind of do small things behind her back that way if it is done there isn`t much she can do about it.
We didn`t even tell my FMIL I was preg. With our 2nd son until 24 hrs AFTER I had him! What she didn`t know didn`t kill her.
Whatever you do, DO NOT give in, you will regret it later! Looking back you will realize it was more her day and not yours.
Posted by Brandy; updated 04/13/04
