Gay Parent

Lynn,

Please excuse me for saying something about the financial issue involved in your dilemma, which is always a touchy subject.

Surely you did not spend all this money on your daughter`s wedding to merit an invitation for your partner; rather, an invite was expected and now you are feeling hurt that you have given so much to someone who will not return the respect and courtesy to you.

Whether or not you should pay for anything else (mainly, a luncheon) is a question of economics. The money you have contributed so far is a "sunk cost" - an investment which cannot be returned no matter what its outcome. At this point, you can cut your losses and walk away, still losing the amount of money you have already contributed without getting the desired response from your daughter. Or you could put more and more money into this wedding, hoping your daughter and her fiance suddenly change their views and accept you and your partner as the honored guests you feel you should be. Considering his and her reaction so far, I would suggest you avoid any further emotional and financial loss pertaining to this occasion by witholding any future monetary contributions, unless you will feel certain that you will receive a fair amount of respect in exchange for your generosity.

Your presence and emotional support, however, is another issue altogether. Be mature and consider your daughter`s feelings - no matter how ludicrous - during this extremely emotional time. Her wedding day is not about you and your feelings, though we all wish she would take them into consideration when making these harsh decisions. Forcing your point of view at this juncture, no matter how rational and just, could cause a divide that would be much more painful than whatever loss you will feel should you remain alone at your daughter`s wedding. Though attending alone would be sad for you, it may be worth sacrificing so that you retain one of life`s greatest treasures: the relationship between a mother and her adult daughter.

Keep us all posted.

I don`t think throwing money at something solves a problem. There are many possible solutions here, but money isn`t one of them.

Jayne,
Thank-you for your response. You are right, all I expected was appreciation and respect and I didn`t get that from either one of them. I am very hurt but you calling it a great treasure in life, the reality is its a lost treasure in this case. She is 25 years old and a teacher, she should know better. I`m not sure I will ever forget her selfish, inconsiderate behavior. I don`t care that its her wedding, it doesn`t mean that it gives her the right to be disrespectful, mean and ruthless. This behavior is totally not exceptable. I`m an optimist, I`ll get through it, the damage is done.

While this sounds like a very sad situation I cannot believe none of this was discussed before the wedding planning even got underway. I`m of the mind set that its about your daughter and her day. Why is it so important to push the issue of your partner. Zillions of "straight" parents aren`t invited to their kids wedding for one reason or another every single day that`s just family drama! Go to your daughters wedding, but then again if you can`t be happy for her don`t go. Either way the scenario has been set and it`ll be interesting to see the outcome. My sister is gay and I don`t approve of her lifestyle. I won`t be inviting her to my wedding and my mother has issues with that. If she comes she comes if she doesn`t I`m still getting married and still intend to be happy.

Veronica,
Please use your common sense. It`s your sister, why would you waste your precious time on being outright mean to your sister because shes gay. You need to GET OVER it and treat your sister like a human being. Shame on you for being so judgemental. Your mother is right...she gave birth to her too and your mother only wants you two to get along no matter what. So I guess you would like your sister more if she just wasnt gay right? Your sister has to except YOU for being the mean person you are. My daughter and I are both in therapy with separate counselors right now. Some day she will get over it, I do commend her for trying. How would you feel if you were invited to a grand party and your husband or fiance was not invited...its like a punch in the stomach. My straight friends are outraged with my daughters behavior. This is somone that I have been in a relationship for almost 7 years that she has not invited to the wedding. My partner taught my daughter how to drive a standard car, helped her with her college papers, and helped her get a mortgage, helped her move into her new house and also helped paint her house. She has treated my daughter with respect but look what we got in return. I`m only going right now because of my mother and family. But you can be sure as hell that when family asks where my partner is I`m going to tell them she was not invited. I will NEVER forget what my daughter has done and probably will never forgive her for this. I will go to this wedding and see her get married but she has done serious damage to our relationship. Totally unforgivable and unnessasary. I think you should invite your sister and if she is in a steady relationship with someone invite her too. Just think of the power you have, you would make them the most happy people alive because you have treated them with respect and dignity like you would have treated any other couple you would have invited. And then maybe you can move on to maybe even getting to know what kind of person your sister is with after the wedding. All this resentment is just a waste of time. Life is way too short. I hope you use your power in a positive way and you let me know how your wedding goes.
Lynn

Hi Lynn,

I just wanted to comment because I can kind of relate to the situation you and your daughter are in. My monther is in a relationship with a woman and has been for several years. Although I have no problem with her lifestyle, I really do not like her partner and never will. My mom claims that she is a wonderful woman, but she treats my mother different than she treats others when my mom is not around. She IS a good person to my mom, but not to me and my brothers and sisters. Her partner has done things to help me as well, but only at my mother`s request and it`s not genuine.
My situation is a little different than yours because my mother and her partner started seeing each other while my mom was still living with my dad. My mother`s partner knew of this and still maintained a relationship with my mother even though she was aiding adultry. My mother is still married to my dad and has no intentions of getting a divorce even though they have had no physical or emotional relationship for years. She stays married to him for purely financial reasons. Further, my mother also lied to me and the rest of my family about her relationship with her partner for years. Lack of honesty is hurtful and can ruin relationships and friendships. I lost a great deal of respect for my mother because of the way she initially handled the relationship. I will always love my mother because she is my mother and it`s a natural emotional connection, but I will never love or respect her partner.
So...again, our situations are a little different, but try to step back and really look at your daughter`s perception of your partner and what has created that perception. Also, make sure you spend time alone with your daughter without your partner. I`m not saying you have to exclude your partner from everything, but make sure you and your daughter have mother/daughter time. Once my mom started openly dating her partner she became a part of everything we did. If I invited my mom to lunch, her partner came as part of a package deal. I think becuase her partner is a woman too my mom felt like it would just be a "girls day out", but it interfered with the personal time I was used to spending with my mother which I valued a lot. When I tried to tell my mother I would rather spend some time with just her she would get defensive and tell me that if I didn`t accept her partner than she wouldn`t even bother trying to maintain our mother/daughter relationship.
Sadly, our relationship is all but non existant now. I`ll be getting married next year and I do not intend on inviting her partner to my wedding. The invitation will be going to my mom and dad becuase they are still married and live at the same address. They are my parents and I don`t really want her partner to be a part of my special day. It is likely that my mother will not come to my wedding (if I exclude her partner) or she`ll bring her partner even though she was uninvited. Either way, I will not be too pleased. Regardless of how my mother feels about our relationship and how I feel about her partner, it`s my wedding day. I want my parents to be there. Although my mom may be upset or hurt because her partner was not included, I hope that she will remember that, for just that one day, it`s my day! I hope that she will put aside her anger and remeber that I am her baby girl and I`m going to be a beautiful bride in a big white dress and I don`t want her to miss it! In my situation is just doesn`t feel right to include her partner.
Again, your situation is understandably different. I wish you, your partner and your daugther the best of luck! Try your best to patch things up with your daughter because you don`t realize how much you value a close mother/daughter relationship until it`s gone. Make your daughter feel as special as you can on her wedding day. She deserves that.
Wow...sorry this is so long. I guess I had a lot to say.
Good luck Lynn and congrats to your daughter!

Katie

Lynn,
I don`t think I`m being mean to anyone. I also don`t like pedohiples, drunks and rapists. Those are lifestyles and hey people do what they want. But if I don`t chose to be around them that`s my choice. I don`t bother my sister and she doesn`t bother me, now how`s that hurting anyone? It seems your relationship with your partner is more important than that with your daughter. I don`t know...just an opinion. Good luck with the wedding though. Personally I wouldn`t want anyone at my wedding who wasn`t truly happy for me or was bringing as much baggage as you seem to be toting currently. Good luck to you all.
Veronica