Gift Request

The best way to do it tactfully is to inform your parents and have them spread the word. Word of mouth is theonly suggested way I have seen in any etiquiette book or on any site. Hope this helps.

Anntwynette,

As you can see from this wedding website gift inserts really don`t seem to be a favourite at all with the majority of people out there. I myself am getting married in July 2004 and have decided that I don`t feel comfortable placing an insert in my wedding Invites asking for money or anything. However I don`t have any strong strong beliefs or values on this, I live in London and we don`t tend to have bridal showers, it is really an american thing that has spread across the borders. People getting married over here do tend to put in an insert requesting what they want, some put in a list with all different sundries on and most people nowadays do often request money or vouchers as a preference, whether anybody likes it or not. I think its your wedding at the end of the day and you can do what you want, its your preference.

Even though I have chosen the latter ie. To be a bit more traditional and not put anything in my invites I`m not highly against others that do it. I was invited to a wedding many years ago and I thought that their poem was really cute , even though it was requesting money. Check it out and let me know what you think.

Its not always easy,
To think what to buy,
On this very special occasion,
You don`t even have to try,
Something of monetry value,
Or vouchers would be nice,
But most of all we both think,
Your presence will suffice.

I hope this is of some help to you. Email me and let me know what you think.

Thank you so much Rhea. That is exactly what I was looking for. It is not only tactful, but cute. By the way, congratulations to you on your wedding.

Anntwynette

There is not tactful way of asking for monetary gifts -- because the act itself if rude and inappropriate. A wedding invitation should soley be used for the purpose of inviting guests to your wedding, it should never mention gifts or money. How presumptous of you to think you can do such a thing.

If you truly are in need of nothing then opt to not register. By not registering you are telling your guests that you don`t need anything and they can figure out the rest on their own.

Kay,
Your opinion is well taken, but it is just that. It`s your opinion and my wedding!

Anntwynette

Kay I don`t understand why you feel so strongly about this issue, at the end of the day it is some people`s preference to have a gift insert, it may not be what you or I feel comfortable having, however some people do. So what, its their wedding, their day. If you are comfortable Anntwynette with putting in a wedding gift insert you must know that the people you are inviting will not be offended by this either, so go ahead with your plans and arrange your wedding how you want.

After all its not Kays wedding its yours, and I`m sure Kay isn`t on the guest list!

Good luck to you

It`s not my opinion, it`s society`s acceptable standards. If you`d consult any etiquette site or book you`ll see the "my opinion" is a standard.

Apparently some people simply don`t have any manners or class. I simply can`t fathom anyone who thinks they have a right to request a gift of any sort for their wedding -- it`s simply mindboggling and presumptous. Some of us I guess were just raised better than others.

I`d love to be a fly on the wall when people with class receive a wedding invitation requesting money. My, how people will talk.

Kay is 100% correct. It is not acceptable under any circumstances to request money or gifts for your wedding.

Amen to Kay! It`s nice to read that there are still people out there with CLASS.

Clap Hands, Claps Hands everyone reading this messege from both Kay and Linda. A Big Round of Applause to them both. Because you know they are sooooo perfect they do everything taking into consideration `society`s acceptable standards`.

I hope that makes you both feel good about yourselves by talking about people you don`t know saying they have no class and manners, such insults must only come from foul mouthed people from the gutter.

Let me tell you something I would love to know a bit more about both of your lives so I would really be able to find out whether you both have lived your lives according to `society`s acceptable standards.`

Because let me tell you both something, nobody, absolutely nobody is perfect, not even yourselves. Especially in this day and age! Am I hitting a few home truths.

If ourselves and our parents, family and friends we know was to always take into consideration `society`s acceptable standards` before we did anything I bet half of us wouldn`t be here today.

Shame on you both, I applaud open minded people, people who although may not necessarily agree with something that someone does but at least tries to have an open mind things and perhaps see from there point of view in certain situations. I hate people who can see past the tip of their nose and who have such snobby nosed attitudes. Just because everybody doesn`t fall into line with what you do then that makes the next person of a lower class than you. Who are you to judge anybody else. Who made you both judge and jury.

Ps If anyone out there personally knows Kay and Linda please email on this website telling us all they know about them, because they are soooo perfect, they never do anything wrong,never step a foot out of line, they must be who society wants us to aspire to! But are they really this perfect!. Watch this space!!!

Ah, I see - Rhea must have requested cash for her wedding too.

I don`t recall ever saying I was perfect, but I do know what is acceptable and what is not. Neither of us have been foul-mouthed what-so-ever. It`s an issue of knowing what is right and what is wrong. Apparently we do, you don`t.

How do we ask for cash instead of presents?

You don’t, but you can enlist your network of attendants, friends, and family to tell guests via word of mouth about your preference—if and when they’re asked.

In any case, some people will still want to mark the occasion with an actual gift, so registering for at least a few items is a good idea.

I personally know Kay and she`s a very nice person, one of the nicest I`ve ever met. She`s a Registered Nurse at a pediatric hosptial in Minneapolis, MN where I believe she works their intensive care unit. She truly is a kind person with a great deal of grace. Her manners are impecible yet she knows she`s not perfect and never claimed to be.

I went to nursing school with her at UW-Eau Claire and she and I got married right about the same time.

Rhea you are a horrible human being who no sense of decency. You strike me as the bully on the play ground that isn`t the sharpest knife in the drawer. At first I couldn`t figure out why you were so angry with Kay and Linda, then it hit me, it`s because you don`t know what right and wrong are.

GO KAY AND LINDA for having grace and good manners. The rest of you idiots who think you can ask for money are ridiculously rude.

Rhea you`re dumb.

Actually Linda, If you read my first response to Antwynette you will see that I am not married yet. However I am getting married in July this year and I personally don`t feel comfortable putting gift inserts in my wedding invitations, but what I`m trying to get through to both yourself and Kay is that it is a personal choice, no matter what the `book` says. Do any of you have children? well, I`ve got three, I`ve been living together with my partner for 11 years, we bought our house together and concentrated on setting ourselves up first mainly because we had our children when we were young, stability was our main concern especially for the children. We have a wonderful relationship and beautiful children and things have really worked well for us. However I`m not saying that teenagers should run out and get pregnant at all and do things the way we did, it has been hard, but I have a wonderful partner and we`ve stuck together through thick and thin, and everything I`ve been through in my life including childbirth, living with my partner, my parents passing away, teenage pregnancy no book could ever prepare me for what I`ve been through in my life.

But I`m laying out my cards on the line and telling you that I have not done anything by the `book`, in fact I`ve done everything backwards, at the end of the day no one knows what deck of cards life has dealt them. But now is the right time for us financial to get married, we are paying for our own wedding, as both my parents have past away. But what I`ve just explained to you, does that make me a bad person? because I haven`t done everything by the `book` or as Kay so eliquently states `society`s acceptable standards`. Myself and my partner have decided to do things when we`re ready and now that we`ve been together for donkeys years (it seems like) and the children are getting bigger there`s even more a greater importance we feel to get married this year and basically get it out of the way as it is a big financial expenditure (we are both excited, happy and looking forward to our special day.

Don`t get me wrong I don`t mean to be nasty to either you or Kay because I can see where you are coming from, without reading any etiquette books I have decided not to put anything in my invites, I didn`t need an etiquette book to tell me what is right and what is wrong, I just know that I wouldn`t feel comfortable sending out invites to my family and friends requesting money or gifts.

Most people requesting gift insert poems such as Antwynette on this website are always seem to be put down by others, and besides she was not asking you whether it was a right or wrong thing to do, it is something she has chosen to do just the same as many many other people have.

I can see that financial pressure is probably a major factor why people are probably forced to put these inserts in their invitations, because some people choose to live outside their means and decide that the only way to re-coop the money is this way (I know it sounds really bad). However their are genuine people like Antwynette who explained why she wanted to do things this way, what I don`t get is people who say they want a honeymoon or are saving for a new car or a holiday and they want to request money, that I think is a liberty and really taking the biscuit.

What I would like to ask you and Kay, just out of general interest is? What would you do if you received a wedding invitation from your best friend who also asked you to be chief bridesmaid at her wedding, and she put an insert requesting money in her invite to you and the other guests. What would you do? Would you go to the wedding? Would you tell her how you felt, don`t foget she is your best friend and you don`t want to upset her.

By the way thanks Chris, Ginny and Meridith for all your graceful yet positive comments, I knew it would be coming. It was only a matter of time before the Wedding Gift Insert Bashing Crew have their say. I`ve read quite a few other messages with your names at the end, and basically your all starting to sound very tiresome now and past the sell by date, saying the same thing over and over again, like a duracell battery. GET OVER IT !

It was amusing to see all the bullets flying back and forth! It is sad that eople write hurtful things rather than just stopping to communicate!

To answer the original question about the cash instead of gifts, I personally think it is a fair desire and the way I would suggest is to print "no boxed gifts please" on the invitation, which should automatically result in Cash that you could use at your discretion. I personally think it is proper and not against any etiquette.

Sorry not you Ginny, the above applies to Chris and Meredith

Rhea,
I am exactly where you are pretty much. My FH and I have been together for 9 yrs and have 2 kids, and pretty much the exact story you have, minus the fact that i am still blessed with my parents. I am sorry that you have lost both parents, especially since before your wedding.
I would not ask for money but since my wedding guest are mainly family members and close friends,most of them know already that we would prefer money, as we have everything else. There are a few things we are going to register for, things that we wouldn`t buy ourselves because they aren`t a must have. I know that you can go to a bank and open an account and have it registered so that people can donate to help purchase a home. I have seen that on wedding sites, I am not sure which one or how it works but it is an idea.
I am at a toss up on this one, I don`t think it is appropriate to ask for money in an invite but if you feel strongly about asking, than maybe put it in the shower invite instead of wedding.
I guess this is one of those things that people are going to do what they are comfortable with despite teh rule of thumb. There are a few "proper etiqutte" things we are by passing, mainly to save money.
If a friend would send me an invite with such request it wouldn`t bother me a bit,as I am not that judgmental. To each their own I guess.
As I posted before I have read a lot of etiquette books and sites that state word of mouth is best. I am starting a course on becoming a wedding planner so this is something I will be learning about in the future, but since I am not an expert at the moment, I will not tell you that you are wrong and shame on you for doing so!
Good luck with whatever decision you make!

Be careful Mahesh, your gonna have the Bashing Crew on your back too (you know your gonna get it). Good point that you made about the hurtful comments it is sad also I`d like to add that it`s also sad because myself, Kay and Linda do actually agree, so we`re going backwards and forth for nothing really.

Thanks for all your kinds words Brandy, but its not me who`s putting the request for money in my invite. I have chosen not to put anything in my invites, so people can buy me what they want or don`t want as the case maybe. I wouldn`t look badly on anyone. It`s not often that all my close family are together and I`m looking forward to spending a really nice day with all my family and close friends, that`s what I`ll remember most not what people buy me, its not important to me or my partner.

Sorry, Rhea, I ddin`t mean to make it look like the whole thing was for you alone! I see where you stated in your original post about opting not to put it on or in the invite.
We feel the same way, we could careless if people buy us anything or not,we just want them all there and to celebrate with us.
I just find it hard to belive that people get so defensive over etiquette. I am sure there are better things to argue about. If somebody was personally insulting you, which I have had happen on here, then that is different.
All this bride is doing is asking how to tactfully ask for money instead of needless gifts. I would rather give money than spend 30.00 on a gift that isn`t going to get used.
That happened to me at my babyshower, because at the time I didn`t even know that had a baby registry and I ended up with stuff I NEVER used, what a waste of money that I could have used on diapers or something.
Anyhow, I also find it amazing that everybody has an input on everybody elses post but never a direct reply to the original post. I seem to see that a lot on is site.

Also Brandy I hope all goes well with you when you do become a Wedding Planner, but please remember when you do, to have an open mind about things tell people who ask you is it right or wrong that `by the etiquette book` it is wrong to put in wedding gift insert in an invitation but at the end of the day it is down to the individual and if that is what they choose to do give them all the help and advice you can. You`ll find that you will appeal to a more broader market of clientel than only those who want to do things by `the book` because there are a lot of people who don`t want to do things by `the book`

Thanks Brandy, your special. I`ll remember you as being a really nice person

Ginney I do note your write up on Kay, and fairs fair Kay is probably a really really nice person. However someone in such a job of immense responsibility as Kay must realise that people have choices. It may not be what she is comfortable with, it may not be what `the medical book` states that she used to study with at college and university but people have choices and she has to abide by and respect those choices, because we are not all the same we all feel differently about different issues. What do you think?

Thanks Rhea. I think of all the people I have communicated with on here, you seem to be the nicest, I will remember you as well!
I am a stickler for being as proper as possible, but I hate being rude and hurting peoples feelings as well. Nor do I like to tell people that their opinion is wrong, because that is all it is, an opinion.
Our biggest etiqutte no-no is, sorry folks, only one invite per household. I am not spending extra money for invites and postage just so that a 13 yr old, or whatever the age is, can have their own. I will include everybody in that household`s name on the inside envelope. The invites I have picked out aren`t extremely expensive but aren`t cheap either and I would rather use the money i am saving by sending one house an invite on something more useful, like better food or something like that.
I haven`t been invited to a wedding in a while so I can`t remember how they requested stuff. All I know is I haven`t lived at home since I was 17 and now I am 26 and still people send everything to my mom and dad`s house or just include me and my family on my mom and dad`s invite instead of taking the time to ask for my address!
All I can say is for the ones that want to find out proper etiquette, look it up online, there are plenty of sites. And for those who don`t really care about proper etiquette, why ask about it. You are just going to do it your way anyhow! And for the rest of us, just give your opinion and not trash other people about theirs. There is no right or wrong OPINION!

Rhea, to answer your question --- if I received an invitation to a my best friend`s wedding and it requested monetary gifts only or included registry information I would say something to them. Not to be mean as you feel that I am. I would have a light conversation with them on how perhaps they could have gone about things differently and gotten the same result. Good friends don`t hide how they really feel.

One of my best friends is getting married July 17th and his fiance wants to include registery information in with the invitiation. Now it`s no secret that I don`t agree with this practice, so I spoke with them about how most people perceive this tactic. In the end they opted to not include registry information as they saw how presumptous it appears to guests.

In the end people will do what they want with regards to all aspects of their wedding. However, it pains me to know that someone puts so much time, energy, and effort into planning `the perfect day` and they may do something that could potentionally put a damper on it (like requesting cash in the invitations).

I went to a wedding back in November and the couple had included registry information with their invitations- worse yet, they had put the stores they were registered but also put "money is preferred". I observed several tables discussing how inappropriate it was that they did this. I truly felt bad for the couple because their guests were discussing this subject at their wedding and they B&G truly had no clue.

So perhaps you can see why I feel so adamently about people NOT requesting cash or gifts for their weddings-- it`s not to be mean to anyone, it`s hopefully to save them some embarrassement or criticism.

I`m curious ladies, for those of you who are attempting to dictate what you receive as gifts from your guests, what makes you feel you are entitled to gifts at all? You are the host of a very important event, your guests are just that - guests. They don`t owe you anything, no one is required to bring a gift. Yes, the vast majority of people do give gifts to the bride and groom in celebration of their marriage. But who do you think you are telling them what to get you?

Kay,

I think you are a really honest, good true friend to your friends and carry on being that way. And I don`t think that you are a mean person at all, but can you see how some comments for example your comment to Anntwynette and myself about class and some people being brought up better than others does offend? And there are some people on this site, whos names I won`t mention, so as not to start anything, are the first to make unfair judgements about others, I`m sure you read the other messages and those certain peoples names keep coming up time and time again, try not to be one of those people, I don`t think its helping to address any queries by trying to put others down or help the future brides in their descision making. I think it is important to address the issues and queries that people are asking and fairs fair voice your opinion but in a more tackful way as not to upset others. Cause as we both agree no matter what our views are on this topic its down to the couple getting married, what they choose to do.

I know laying out my whole story was a bit open but I think that at least if one person reads it and remembers `hey you know what, maybe I should be a little more considerate when typing a response back` because we are responding to real people and we must remember that, just because we can`t see that persons face or see their emotions doesn`t mean to say that what I write or anyone writes is not going to affect that person in any way, because 9 times out of 10 it does. And I apolgise for all the unfair comments and judgements that I have made in regards to you.

As you are a special person Kay!

Rhea, I appreciate the kind words and am glad you understand I`m not a horrible person. The fact is, I do have very strong feelings on gift requests at weddings - that`s probably pretty obvious. My prior posts weren`t meant to offend anyone, so if they did, I sincerly apologize. I truly do want everyone`s special day to go exactly as they want so that they have nothing but fond memories of the day.

I agree totally with you that in the end, each couple is going to do exactly as they pleases. We can all sit here and bicker back and forth about why someone shouldn`t do something and why they should - but it probably doesn`t help out the original poster.

Best wishes to everyone!

I have read all the responses to Anntwynette`s question and it seems that everyone has gotten lost in there own opinions. I got married in `86 and asked my sister the same question. We decided to mention it in the invitation for the wedding shower. Hope this helps!!!