Gay Parent

Lynn, I am inclined to agree with you on this. She should invite your partner to the wedding. However, I also realize there are two sides to every story, and I do not know your daughter`s side of the story.

What is her reason for not inviting your partner? Is she embarassed or something? What is the deal here? Did your partner do something to offend her recently?

I just got married and I have to say, it IS the bride`s day. I had so many different people trying to manipulate me, and I was the one who wound up getting hurt, trying to make everyone else happy.

Lynn,
I wish you gay people would understand that not everyone wants to accept your choice. Its YOUR choice, not hers. She did not choose your partner in HER life, you choose ur partner in your life.

In the end who is more important? this lady you sleep with, who you might break up with at any time, or your daughter, who has been your daughter since she was born, and will always be your daughter and no one can change that?

Go to your duaghter`s wedding and showers, and any other events that are planned. LEAVE your partner at home. If she cares enough about you, she will understand that ur duaghter is toooooo embarrased to have her there.

Remember, not everyone accepts gays, and just like its ur choice to be gay, its also her choice not to accept it.

My partner did absolutely nothing to my daughter to offend her. My daughter basicly is mad at me because I went to San Francisco and got married without telling her because it would have been a loose loose situation with her. If I told her before I left it would have ruined my day and she would have tried to shame me because she has trouble accepting my lifestyle. Her way to hurt me is to not invite my partner.
Lynn

Lynn,
What a horrible situation you`re in. Being a bride, however, I do have to say that it is the `bride`s day`. I showed up for my own wedding, walked down the aisle, and saw my ex fiance` sitting at my wedding. I have to say that my entire day after that was very uncomfortable for me, because I did not in any way want him there. I couldn`t even enjoy my own reception because he kept trying to talk to me and bother me. It may seem like one person can`t make a difference, but trust me, it can.

From your standpoint, I would have to look at it this way....it`s only one day. So she doesn`t accept your partner now, who`s to say that she won`t 5 or 10 years from now? If you want her to eventually accept your partner, then I think that bringing her to your daughter`s wedding would be a big mistake, because it will only create more hostility in-between your daughter and your partner. If you refuse to go because she doesn`t want your partner there, then that is going to cause more hositlity between you and your daughter, since there is already some hostility there from going to get married without telling her. Plus, if you don`t go then your daughter won`t have you OR her grandmother at her wedding. I can`t imagine having my wedding without my mom and grandmother!

I think that in your situation, it would be best to go, take your mom, and leave your partner at home for one day and respect your daugher`s wishes. I think it would be inappropriate for your partner to go without your daughter`s permission, and I also think it would be inapporpriate to NOT go to your daugher`s wedding, causing your daughter to be hurt by her and her grandmother`s abscence.

What does you partner say in all this? Does she have a problem of you going to the wedding without her?

Lynn, also I`d like to add, that at my wedding we did invite a gay couple, and no one had a problem with it as far as I know. It does seem somewhat wrong for your daughter to accept financial aid from your partner (you said she helped finance her house?) but not to invite her to the wedding. This, on its face, just seems wrong and hypocritical. It seems she doesn`t mind taking your partner`s money....but she doesn`t want to include her in her wedding celebration. But like I said before, there are two sides to every story and I do not know her side.

I must say that I invited one of my dear friends to my wedding, who happened to be gay. He `came out` a few years after we graduated high school, and nobody had really seen him since then. I think he was uncomfortable at my wedding just because he was around people he hadn`t seen since high school...and word travels fast around my little town. I am, however, in alabama right smack dab in the middle of the Bible Belt, so I know the entire attitude towards gays is different than it is elsewhere. I still invited him because he was my friend, but I think some other people had a problem with him being there.

Come on....it is 2004 and all you close minded people need to lighten up.You all remind me of that when you want to beg for money on your invitations,you say it is 2004 and etiquette no longer matters. But now on gay issues your going to act like it`s 1950. I don`t understand why anyone`s gay lifestyle should bother you. With that said let me comment on the situation Lynn is speaking of. I feel your daughter is being a spoiled brat. You say she is OK with taking things from your partner and letting her do things for her but now she is embarrassed? Yes, these are things your going to have to work out. But this is not the time. I think you should grin and bear it, if she don`t want your partner there you should abide by her wishes. Tell her how you feel, but don`t take a stand and please don`t miss her wedding day, you will be sorry the rest of your life. It is a bad situation but she is your daughter and it is her wedding. So good luck and by the way Congratulations!

So you dont understand why someone`s gay lifestyle choices should bother anyone...HELLO there are many different lifestyles out there, that doesnt mean everyone has to agree with it!!! I don`t agree with parents choosing to spank their children, and when it happens that bothers me. I will not "lighten up" about it, because it is something I feel strongly about. I don`t think anyone should "lighten up" to something they don`t beleive in and don`t agree with, no matter what kind of lifestyle it is. Your comment was inconsiderate and close minded.

My comment was closed minded....is that not the pot calling the kettle black?

We kind of have the opposite problem..My daughter is getting married May 1st. My brother is gay which is her uncle..My daugter is very colse to him and since he ownes a hair saloon was suppose to even do her hair for the wedding ..He called her a few days ago and told her since he found out that she was a republician and there againt gays getting married that he was not going to do her hair or go to her wedding..I thought that was the most terrible thing that he could have ever done..and the thing is she is a republican but not because of the fact that there against gays getting married...she has been soooo hurt by this..

How horrible! i guess discrimination goes both ways....

I don`t feel that I am in any way close minded about gays or for anything for that matter. Everyone can choose their lifestyle that they want to lead, that`s their choice not mine, and I can`t change anything. But that doesn`t mean that I have to be happy about that particular lifestyle in general. On the issue of gays, I don`t personally agree with it and am not gay myself, but that doesn`t mean that I don`t beleive that everyone has equal rights and should be able to do what they want, whether it be marriage or whatever. So what if someone`s gay? Who cares? I accept the fact and move on, but that doesn`t mean that I won`t turn my head at the sight of two men making out on a park bench...

I`m still in a very bad predicament. I made a committment to pay for the shower...I told the MOH that I would take care of the meals if the the girls in the wedding party would pay for the favors and invations. Do I have the right to invite my partner, since I am flipping the bill? Also, this is pretty much immediate family..everybody knows we are a couple anyway...its getting close to the wire. My niece, the MOH said I need to talk to my daughter and straighten it out with her.

No lynn,
You dont have the right to invite ur partner. U volunteered to pay for those things becaues you love your daughter and u want to help out, not as a payment or entry fee for ur partner to come.

Do yourself, ur partner and ur daughter a favor. Pay what u promised, go to the weddingand shower, and leave ur partner at home.......

I probably agree with the last post. My own mother put me through sheer hell, because she was "paying the bill", and therefore she took control over everything and it was a nightmare for me. Everything had to go "her way" because she was paying for it. I would rather have not had her pay for it, looking back, I would have financed the whole thing myself. She was even angry about what my attendants chose to wear, and insisted it was her right to choose their dresses. I bent over backward trying to make her happy, as well as lots of other people, and it just didn`t work.

I also agree with the last two Re..you really need to attend your daughters shower and wedding. I understand your probbley hurt and angry and it is not right what she is doing but this is your daughters wedding your talking about. I really believe if you dont attend you will regret it down the road.I am sure your partner will understand.I also think once your daughter gets over her anger she will regret not inviting her..But I wouldent think twice I would be at both events..Lynda

Lynn,

I am trying to give your daughter the benefit of the doubt, though my true feeling is that she is being a jerk, plain and simple. I am getting married this summer - however, I am NOT of the oh-so-popular-opinion on this board that it is "MY DAY" and that I can therefore do whatever I want. Thus I disagree with those who say that you have to do whatever your daughter, THE BRIDE, says.

If you are paying, you are entitled to bring a guest. That`s just common sense. (Actually, based on the amount of money you are putting up - and it sounds like you have been generous with your daughter - you are entitled to invite quite a few people. That`s how it works, whether people like it or not.)

Do you know if your daughter is feeling pressure from her fiance`s family not to invite your partner? (Not that I would find that to be an acceptable excuse; I`m just wondering if that could be a part of her sudden change of heart.)

Two years ago, my mother remarried a man whom I do not particularly care for. I was not invited to her wedding. (A similar case scenario to your union with your partner, though not an exact replica.) I was hurt that she did not trust me enough to realize that it is her right to marry whomever she wants (whether her children like him or not) - and that I would have done whatever I could to help with her day. That being said, just because my mother did not invite me to her wedding, I never even considered not inviting her or her new husband to my wedding. He will be in the wedding photos. He will be dressed in the same attire as the other "fathers." He will be a part of the day because my mother loves him. Do I like him at this point? Not especially -- but for everyone`s sake, I am trying as hard as I can to at least make it appear that I do. My point is that even though you did not inform your daughter of your wedding until after the fact, I find it to be in poor, poor taste for her to be taking it out on your partner.

I am sure it is obvious by now that my opinion is for you to bring your partner with you to all wedding related functions. That being said, I think that a looooong talk with your daughter is probably a very good idea. If she is not receptive to talking to you about what her deal is, then you need to make some decisions with the following questions in mind: If you bring your partner with you, will your daughter cause a scene? Are you prepared to deal with this possibility? Will your partner end up feeling rejected and hurt? Have you discussed all of this with your partner? Will your daughter hold a grudge? Are you prepared for all possible reactions?

Whatever the answers to these questions might be - are you "okay" with the outcome? That is what you need to know in your head and your heart before you make a decision about whether to have your partner at your side. If you cannot imagine attending without her, then I say you invite her to be with you. If you can live with the fact that your daughter may be angry, resentful, childish, etc., but you find your loyalty to your partner such that it is worth this risk, then I say you invite your partner to be with you.

I think it is terribly insensitive of your daughter to be pulling this crap.

And - this is just an editorial comment on my part - I found the comment made in an earlier post suggesting that homosexual unions are somehow more "unstable" that heterosexual unions is ludicrous. If you have committed yourself to this woman and she to you, then you have just as strong of a committment as any "traditional" wedded couple. In my opinion, the argument that "your partner might not be with you in x amount of years, blah, blah, blah" holds no validity.

I think you need to look within yourself for the answers to your questions. You know your daughter. You know yourself. You know your partner. Try to figure out how all of you are going to feel and react. Prioritize your feelings. And then just do what you feel is right. Don`t do something you believe you can "live with" - do the thing that you don`t believe you can live *without* doing.

I wish you happiness.

I agree with Becky whole heartedly! You need to sit down with your daughter and have a heart to heart and find out what the real reason is. IF your daughter is suddenly so against it, there may be a reason you are unaware of. I would talk to her first.
My fave cousin is gay and I would not trade him for the world, I cannot wait to have him at my wedding! I could careless if my FH`s family liked it or not, if not they know where the door is, hope it doesn`t hit them where the good Lord split them!

Becky,
Thank-you so much for your input, you really put things into perspective. You sound like a therapist. You are very thorough with your thoughts. My partner was a therapist for 13 years, so I do get some help there. Just to give you an update, my future son-in-law called me up last night and started the conversation out by saying this conversation is going to be short, but wanted to let me know that my partner was now invited to the shower and wedding. I said before you hang up, if my daughter was mad at me because I didn`t tell her about me getting married, why would she take it out on my partner by not inviting her? He said things to me that I really thought he was overstepping his boundaries, he was rude, and said things that were insulting to me. In the beginning of the conversation I thought he was being sincere by inviting her, thinking he had a change of heart. But not so. He said things like why did my mother do a 360 degree turn-a-round about my lifestyle, I said my mother has gotten to know my partner and she loves her very much, he said "is it because my partner takes her out to dinner? (my mother is overweight and that was an insult). He also said that my boys are ok with it because they are only saying that because when they get out of the service they are going to need a place to live. He said why did I lie and not tell her that I was going to get married. Why did I fear talking to my only daughter. I told him we only told people that would be happy for us and we really were not making it a big deal out of it. I`m thinking of sending my daughter an e-mail and calling it a truce till after the wedding...This is a predictable pattern for her to ignore me. I`m not sure how else to deal with it. I would like my partner to go with me..but she`s telling me she wouldn`t go in a million years. I might me able to change her mind. Lol maybe. I would feel empty without her there. I think my friends are more understanding now when I tell people that I have a witch and two sons.
Thank-you everyone else for your responses. It sure does help to know that there are other people going through similar weddings from hell.
Thanks,
Lynn

If your partner does not want to go, don`t make her go. That`s my two cents.