How To Tell My Fiancee That I Hate His Mother
Boy oh boy.............where do I begin?
Should I start in the middle or end. What I will do is type and let it come out as it may. My ex-fiancee and I have a house and a child............yes I know we did things backwards. This to me doesn`t seem to be a factor because problems can arise whether you marry or not. Maybe if I would have married him 1st I would have gotten a better idea of what I was getting into but then I might be talking divorce..........but instead people we have a beautiful little boy that we love very much and can raise together without being married.
Now let me also say this. We are still together, I just called off the wedding. I also need to put this out there, my ex-fiancee is an only child and my son is an only grandchild for his mother............got it, ok, lets proceed.
The women is batty, nutty and twisted.
She thinks that everywhere we are she is supposed to be. Last year, we pull up to the restaurant for Valentines day, getting out the car, we hear a horn, it`s her. I immediaetly get upset cause at this point I`m already fed up with her. We proceed to sit down at our table; she walks in and says " I know you`ll want to be alone but I`m hungry". I will never for as long as I live forget this statment. I`m so pissed off. Now that is only the grunt of it. I`m not going to make each incident a story cause I could go on forever; I`m going to give you a list of the things she done to haunt me. She wanted to go with us to the closing of our house, she wanted to go with me to all my Dr. Appts, she wants to go with him on all his interviews, she tells me how to raise my son, how to clean my house, washes our clothes, folds our clothes, cleans my bedroom, tells me how to deal with her son, she TRIED to take over my baby shower ( my mother is even more outspoken then I am), she goes behind my back to plan holidays with him when I already told her that we were doing something else, she runs his bath water, she sold her house to move next door to us, she showed up at the hospital when he asked me to marry him when she knew that should be a private time, she spent the night with us on New Years (before the baby was here) and when my oldest son was sent away cause we wanted to be alone, this is what she said after we left church "You`ll want me to stay or you`ll want me to go". I started laughing, he said "that is up to you ma", translated to me that means "we`d really like to be alone but don`t want to hurt your feeling. This nut case proceeded to go get her over night clothes out her bag. She had already planned to stay no matter what we said. She is in the process of closing on the house that she brought 4 houses away from us (mind you, I don`t even think she likes the house, she just wants to be under us) so she is staying in my house. Now what I`m going to say some of you may not understand, you may see it as being helpful, I don`t. When I come home from work, she is cooking my dinner, washing my clothes, cleaning my house, cleaning my room, answering my phone (cell phone included if I leave Iy laying around). While I was pregnant she kept asking to watch the baby while I went to work, I objected to this cause I knew where it would lead, she convinced my fiancee that they would throw him in the garbage, drop him and molest him and no one would love him the way she would. I finally gave in, cause it would save us $209.00 a week. So, I went back to work, this nut case thought she was going to come get my son Sunday night, take him home with her and bring him back on Friday night!!!!!!!!. I told her and him "over my dead body". She drove everyday for 1hr and 35 min to my house to watch my son while I was at work for 6 weeks until she got tired of the drive. During this time she met all my neighbors and invited every utility personal to eat dinner at my house!!!!!
Here is the kicker, I have expressed all my concerns to my ex-fiancee and he does not see a problem with any of this......................hence the word EX!!!
Recently I have had the opportunity to express to her exactly how I feel. I have been throwing suttle hints in the past, except for the moving next to us part. I was very blunt about that, she knew from the very beginning I was not happy about it cause she would be in our business more then she already is. It didn`t matter how I felt cause her beloved son doesn`t have a problem with it and even if he does he doesn`t have the balls to say so. He willjust muble things under his breath to me and then a week later swear he didn`t say it.
I`d love to hear some opinions on this situation.
Even though they both know how I feel about it and why, neither one of them see a problem with it so all in all they probably feel like I`m the one with the problem. She will stop but so much cause he is happy with it.
When I got pregnant her family and friends told me not to let her ruin my life...........I didn`t even know these people at the time.
Should I start in the middle or end. What I will do is type and let it come out as it may. My ex-fiancee and I have a house and a child............yes I know we did things backwards. This to me doesn`t seem to be a factor because problems can arise whether you marry or not. Maybe if I would have married him 1st I would have gotten a better idea of what I was getting into but then I might be talking divorce..........but instead people we have a beautiful little boy that we love very much and can raise together without being married.
Now let me also say this. We are still together, I just called off the wedding. I also need to put this out there, my ex-fiancee is an only child and my son is an only grandchild for his mother............got it, ok, lets proceed.
The women is batty, nutty and twisted.
She thinks that everywhere we are she is supposed to be. Last year, we pull up to the restaurant for Valentines day, getting out the car, we hear a horn, it`s her. I immediaetly get upset cause at this point I`m already fed up with her. We proceed to sit down at our table; she walks in and says " I know you`ll want to be alone but I`m hungry". I will never for as long as I live forget this statment. I`m so pissed off. Now that is only the grunt of it. I`m not going to make each incident a story cause I could go on forever; I`m going to give you a list of the things she done to haunt me. She wanted to go with us to the closing of our house, she wanted to go with me to all my Dr. Appts, she wants to go with him on all his interviews, she tells me how to raise my son, how to clean my house, washes our clothes, folds our clothes, cleans my bedroom, tells me how to deal with her son, she TRIED to take over my baby shower ( my mother is even more outspoken then I am), she goes behind my back to plan holidays with him when I already told her that we were doing something else, she runs his bath water, she sold her house to move next door to us, she showed up at the hospital when he asked me to marry him when she knew that should be a private time, she spent the night with us on New Years (before the baby was here) and when my oldest son was sent away cause we wanted to be alone, this is what she said after we left church "You`ll want me to stay or you`ll want me to go". I started laughing, he said "that is up to you ma", translated to me that means "we`d really like to be alone but don`t want to hurt your feeling. This nut case proceeded to go get her over night clothes out her bag. She had already planned to stay no matter what we said. She is in the process of closing on the house that she brought 4 houses away from us (mind you, I don`t even think she likes the house, she just wants to be under us) so she is staying in my house. Now what I`m going to say some of you may not understand, you may see it as being helpful, I don`t. When I come home from work, she is cooking my dinner, washing my clothes, cleaning my house, cleaning my room, answering my phone (cell phone included if I leave Iy laying around). While I was pregnant she kept asking to watch the baby while I went to work, I objected to this cause I knew where it would lead, she convinced my fiancee that they would throw him in the garbage, drop him and molest him and no one would love him the way she would. I finally gave in, cause it would save us $209.00 a week. So, I went back to work, this nut case thought she was going to come get my son Sunday night, take him home with her and bring him back on Friday night!!!!!!!!. I told her and him "over my dead body". She drove everyday for 1hr and 35 min to my house to watch my son while I was at work for 6 weeks until she got tired of the drive. During this time she met all my neighbors and invited every utility personal to eat dinner at my house!!!!!
Here is the kicker, I have expressed all my concerns to my ex-fiancee and he does not see a problem with any of this......................hence the word EX!!!
Recently I have had the opportunity to express to her exactly how I feel. I have been throwing suttle hints in the past, except for the moving next to us part. I was very blunt about that, she knew from the very beginning I was not happy about it cause she would be in our business more then she already is. It didn`t matter how I felt cause her beloved son doesn`t have a problem with it and even if he does he doesn`t have the balls to say so. He willjust muble things under his breath to me and then a week later swear he didn`t say it.
I`d love to hear some opinions on this situation.
Even though they both know how I feel about it and why, neither one of them see a problem with it so all in all they probably feel like I`m the one with the problem. She will stop but so much cause he is happy with it.
When I got pregnant her family and friends told me not to let her ruin my life...........I didn`t even know these people at the time.
Posted by troubledbride; updated 03/25/04
Reply
She sounds obsessed; she needs to get a life, one that doesn`t involve her son so much. The son needs to cut the apron strings. His problems may be worse than hers. He has never set any boundaries with his mother, and at this point, it may be too late.
Posted by Missy; updated 03/25/04
Reply
I can only think of the mother off of Everybody Loves Raymond! A striking resemblence wouldn`t you think? My FH is not an only child, however he is the only boy with one sister. He is also a `mama`s boy` to a certain degree. His mom drives me nuts once in a while, nothing quite like you`ve described, but not too far off either. (this is the woman who will feed her grandchildren brown sugar on a spoon because "they like it".) Thank goodness we don`t have children yet because I would snap if I saw her do that. The difference here though is that my FH does see what his mother does. He will outright admit that she is manipulative (not to her of couse), but we handle the situation together. We don`t let her take over our lives. You need to work with your ex-fiance to try and resolve this, because his mother won`t change. If you don`t have him on your side, then it will be a constant battle between you two. Maybe some couples counselling would help (it worked wonders for us). I know there`s stigma about going to therapy, but it can really work. Your man needs to see that his life now revolves around your son and you and you need to create your OWN family. Sure mom still needs to be included, but she is not a part of your relationship. Does that make sense? Anyway, maybe get her involved in some type of hobby? Buy her painting lessons or a sewing club..she`s moving to a new area (you said about 1 hour 35 mins away from where she is now). Introduce her to some women her own age and get her involved in her own life, not yours. Good luck. I hope that your man will start to realize the impact that this is having on your relationship and that you can work through it. Do you mind me asking how old he is?
Posted by CLL; updated 03/25/04
Reply
CLL..............maybe I wrote it wrong. No she use to live 1 hr 35 min away. She just closed on the house 4 houses down from us. When we brought our house, she put hers on the market and brought one 4 right next to us so that she can "Take care of my son". This is what she tells everyone within ear shot!!!!
Posted by troubledbride; updated 03/25/04
Reply
Sorry, didn`t see your question. He will be 34 in May.
Posted by troubledbride; updated 03/25/04
Reply
Oh no, I understood that she had just moved very close to you, but it sounds like it`s a new area to her, so I thought that maybe getting her involved in new activites (new friends etc) would help take some of the pressure off of you. Also, if he`s 34, he needs to smarten up and start acting like an adult. It`s great and wonderful that his mom is wanting to help and all, but there comes a point where he needs to look after his own family...meaning you and your son. All the best to you.
Posted by CLL; updated 03/25/04
Reply
The easiest way to tell him would be to direct him to this page on the internet
Posted by Jay; updated 03/25/04
Reply
You definitely have a "Momma`s Boy" on your hands. Counseling is definitely needed. He simply does not see or wants to see what his mother is doing. She is not going to change or even try to change until her son steps up to the plate. Then you will still have a batle of "everything is your fault and you have turned her son against her". I feel sorry for you and your child. As he grows older he will also see the harm Grandma is doing to you and yours as a family.
Posted by Marcia; updated 03/25/04
Reply
First of all, thats why people get married first before having children. So that they can study the person and his family....anyways...what are u planning on doing? leaving this guy, and now you will have two kids from two different fathers? hm... Just something to think about...
If u really want to get rid of this future mother in law, u need a 1 year plan. Yes, its not going to take an hour or so. U need to sit down and make an outline.
First of all, u need to befriend her. I know ur probably like what? but u get more bees with honey than with vinegar. Than u slowly introduce her to other people her age, clubs, etc. She probably has alot of time on her hands thats why she does all those things for u....
Finally, i know alot of women who would kill to have a mother in law like that...........
If u really want to get rid of this future mother in law, u need a 1 year plan. Yes, its not going to take an hour or so. U need to sit down and make an outline.
First of all, u need to befriend her. I know ur probably like what? but u get more bees with honey than with vinegar. Than u slowly introduce her to other people her age, clubs, etc. She probably has alot of time on her hands thats why she does all those things for u....
Finally, i know alot of women who would kill to have a mother in law like that...........
Posted by someone; updated 03/25/04
Reply
My FMIL is the same way, when i had our first son she was at the hospital from the time I went into labor until I left the hospital. Due to complications I was really sick after having him and was too tired to put up much fight, my son was over 24 hrs old before I got to feed him! Everytime I went to either his mom or sister took him from me. When i had our second one he was over 24 hrs old before she even knew I was pregnant. My list can go longer than the original post but I just wanted to let her know she isn`t alone. I can`t wait until the day my FH`s mom dies, I`ll just be sorry it is against the law for me to do it! My FH hates her too, we haven`t talked to her since Christmas so it isn`t only me!
Posted by Brandy; updated 03/25/04
Reply
1st of all "someone". 2 children by 2 differnt men is not the issue. My oldest son is 16 years old, yes honey I waited 16 years to have a nother child. To which I was married to his father. Am I allowed to get divorced or should I have checked with you 1st. Before you go insulting or trying to insult some ask about the facts. I am a highly educated women with my masters in special education and my CPA license so whether I have 2 kids by 2 different men should not be an issue for you since you are not taking care of either of them. And I will say this; the only women I can think of that would be happy to have a MIL like this is someone that is very dependent and can not stand on her own two feet, oh and let me add very lazy. I`m a very independent women and no longer need direction in my life. Maybe you would like to have someone invading you privacy and taking over your life but I don`t .
Also how do you know I didn`t befriend her. For the record we have a very civil relationship, there is no hostility, just recentment. We have 2 very important factors that we see common ground on, her son and my son. So far those reasons I do cut a little slack but give me a break enough is enough! Whether I married him or not, it would have still been the same thing. I did not once mention that he wasn`t a good father. So whether I like him, love him or have my issues with his mother.............he will always be a good father. For the record 2 people can be good parents to 1 child without being married. Sometimes that is the best. I guess you are the type of person that thinks a women should stay with a man no matter how unhappy the relationship is "for the sake of the children". Insulted, yes I am very insulted because my children have nothing to do with this!!!!!
Also how do you know I didn`t befriend her. For the record we have a very civil relationship, there is no hostility, just recentment. We have 2 very important factors that we see common ground on, her son and my son. So far those reasons I do cut a little slack but give me a break enough is enough! Whether I married him or not, it would have still been the same thing. I did not once mention that he wasn`t a good father. So whether I like him, love him or have my issues with his mother.............he will always be a good father. For the record 2 people can be good parents to 1 child without being married. Sometimes that is the best. I guess you are the type of person that thinks a women should stay with a man no matter how unhappy the relationship is "for the sake of the children". Insulted, yes I am very insulted because my children have nothing to do with this!!!!!
Posted by troubledbride; updated 03/26/04
Reply
Troubledbride-
That last message to you was way out of line. I can`t believe that people would say things like that. As you indicated in your response the only type of person who would love a mother-in-law like that is someone who has some serious attachment issues and so becomes very dependent on others, and i would say any child with a mother with those kind of attachment problems would be far worse off than a child not living with both parents. As for your situation with your future mother-in-law (or not so future) that really is an aweful mess, and unfortunately there is only so much you can do to unravel it. If this is so bad that you`ve come here i think that it has gone too far and that most likely no amount of friendly will work. I would say try everyone else`s advise about trying to get her involved in other areas with other people. It sounds to me like she needs to feel needed so maybe look into finding her a mentoring/tutoring volunteer spot at children`s center or school or even find her a job at the senior center (if there is one in your area). Since she loves to cook, helping others by cooking meals and bringing them to them or even helping cook the daily meal that most senior centers have would be something that would get her involved and feeling a part of something and needed. The second thing you will need to do is to sit her down and as gently as you can tell her that things are just out of control, that you feel that she is taking over your life and maybe she doesn`t see it that way or mean to be doing so, but that this is becoming something that is making you resent her and that you don`t want to resent her. Tell her that she is your future husband`s mother and the grandmother of your child and that you very much want her to be a part of your lives, but not in the way that she has chosen to do so. Then tell her that you need to do things for your family too and that by her doing things such as cleaning your room and cooking your dinner you feel she is taking away from your usual contribution to the family and taking away from your independence. Then set up firm limits and enforce them. Tell her you`d love to have her watch your son during the week but that it is very important to you that you get a lot of good one-on-one time with your son(s) and husband and so that at the end of the day when you both get home it`s time for her to leave so that you can have that time together. Then to make her still feel loved and wanted suggest a day that every week you will have a big family dinner (possibly allow her to cook it, it could be at her house or yours, you decide) and maybe invite other family to join in on it. Tell her that right now you and your family need a breather and a chance to be a new family unit, tell her as you have more space your relationship will most likely get stronger because there will be no resentment and you won`t right on each other all the time. As time goes by, you`ll be able to better incorporate her into your lives in a way that works for everyone. Anyway, that`s my best advice for you, i`m guessing if it goes any farther than you`re going to explode. The other thing is obviously your future husband still needs to detach himself from his mother and become his own person, you can try talking to him about how he sees his relationship with his mom and how it may be affecting your relationship and how might he better the situation. I say, if you can, get him to do most of the talking. It sounds as if you`re dealing with adolescents and so a lot of my advice probably sounds like what you would do with a child, but sometimes some people never get past that stage. Good luck with everything, and one more thing, try to find some way that you can blow off some of this steam yourself, have a night out with the girls or something, you deserve it, a chance to relax and let it all out, i`m sure it will help you feel better.
That last message to you was way out of line. I can`t believe that people would say things like that. As you indicated in your response the only type of person who would love a mother-in-law like that is someone who has some serious attachment issues and so becomes very dependent on others, and i would say any child with a mother with those kind of attachment problems would be far worse off than a child not living with both parents. As for your situation with your future mother-in-law (or not so future) that really is an aweful mess, and unfortunately there is only so much you can do to unravel it. If this is so bad that you`ve come here i think that it has gone too far and that most likely no amount of friendly will work. I would say try everyone else`s advise about trying to get her involved in other areas with other people. It sounds to me like she needs to feel needed so maybe look into finding her a mentoring/tutoring volunteer spot at children`s center or school or even find her a job at the senior center (if there is one in your area). Since she loves to cook, helping others by cooking meals and bringing them to them or even helping cook the daily meal that most senior centers have would be something that would get her involved and feeling a part of something and needed. The second thing you will need to do is to sit her down and as gently as you can tell her that things are just out of control, that you feel that she is taking over your life and maybe she doesn`t see it that way or mean to be doing so, but that this is becoming something that is making you resent her and that you don`t want to resent her. Tell her that she is your future husband`s mother and the grandmother of your child and that you very much want her to be a part of your lives, but not in the way that she has chosen to do so. Then tell her that you need to do things for your family too and that by her doing things such as cleaning your room and cooking your dinner you feel she is taking away from your usual contribution to the family and taking away from your independence. Then set up firm limits and enforce them. Tell her you`d love to have her watch your son during the week but that it is very important to you that you get a lot of good one-on-one time with your son(s) and husband and so that at the end of the day when you both get home it`s time for her to leave so that you can have that time together. Then to make her still feel loved and wanted suggest a day that every week you will have a big family dinner (possibly allow her to cook it, it could be at her house or yours, you decide) and maybe invite other family to join in on it. Tell her that right now you and your family need a breather and a chance to be a new family unit, tell her as you have more space your relationship will most likely get stronger because there will be no resentment and you won`t right on each other all the time. As time goes by, you`ll be able to better incorporate her into your lives in a way that works for everyone. Anyway, that`s my best advice for you, i`m guessing if it goes any farther than you`re going to explode. The other thing is obviously your future husband still needs to detach himself from his mother and become his own person, you can try talking to him about how he sees his relationship with his mom and how it may be affecting your relationship and how might he better the situation. I say, if you can, get him to do most of the talking. It sounds as if you`re dealing with adolescents and so a lot of my advice probably sounds like what you would do with a child, but sometimes some people never get past that stage. Good luck with everything, and one more thing, try to find some way that you can blow off some of this steam yourself, have a night out with the girls or something, you deserve it, a chance to relax and let it all out, i`m sure it will help you feel better.
Posted by traci; updated 03/26/04
Reply
It sounds to me like your FMIL is lonely. Does she have a husband/partner/boyfriend? Her intrusion (as you see it) into your life sounds like a plea for company. I would introduce her to someone she might enjoy spending time with (as a possible relationship or just a friend - can be male or female). Encourage her to take a class in something (art, dancing, whatever) at the local college/ywca. Help her to find her own interests. You also need to sit down with your boyfriend and talk to him about your feelings. Don`t place the blame on her, say, "i feel this way when..." instead of "she makes me feel so ..." This way, he won`t get his defences up when you talk to him (all men are bound to defend their mamas). Then, you both need to sit down with her and set some guidelines. Good luck to you I hope it all works out.
Posted by Sarah; updated 03/26/04
Reply
I do believe you are rigth, it does not metter how you do it, get married and have kids, have kids and then get to know eash other (well that is not the ideal but can happen) or any other way... I`ve been 4 years living together and now we are getting married, just becuase.... It was like we were married anyway... But Oh my God, poor you, this is not an advice, or anything, but if something like that were happening to me, I`ll just move on, and go on my own way... Why? because I can`t not live with someone who`s mother is that carzy, beacuse some of that education must be on him, and let her help witht my kid, NO WAY... Only if you make sure that it is your normal education and life style is how your son is going to be rased... So what I`m telling you is that me, Renata, wont even stay with him, and I might think about it, if he talks straight to her, and stay on that position... I`m sorry about my bad english, I hope at least I was able to explain my self... Love, and good luck for all of you, and peace for that poor lady, she well, she is sick, Renata
Posted by Renata; updated 03/26/04
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