Is It Me Or Am I Over-Reacting
I want anyones total opinions on this.
I have people telling me i am an impossible, non-negotiable, b_**h and everything has to be my way.
Now here`s the thing. It`s my wedding, and my FH and i are paying for everything. I had already chosen what dresses i wanted and i gave that up and chose different ones for my MOH (who is not even helping me with anything). And she also was complaining she didn`t want dyeable shoes and didn`t want to spend money on stuff she wasn`t wearing again. Now mind you, she is a cousin of mine, we are kind of close. Which is probably the only reason i changed anything. I have been pretty reasonable with things and i am told i am not. And since i have told her we are having dyeable shoes she hasn`t bothered to help with anything, about 2 months now. My one friend makes excuses for everyone why they haven`t done this and that. But just tells me i am complaining and i am asking way too much from everyone. I have been planning my own wedding by myself along with my own Jack n Jill party. My friend also told me, well its just another day its no big deal; i don`t know why your making a big fuss. Am i wrong for being hurt and angry that nobody has done anything? The jack n jill party is april 24th. My friends like well u should have just had a shower. She knows its hard for us since my FH works nights. We had to pick a date and we wanted our parties together. Is there anything wrong with that. My friend just keeps telling me how impossible i am and i have to have things my way and how i won`t compromise and stuff like that. Is it just me, am i over rea-acting?
Mel
I have people telling me i am an impossible, non-negotiable, b_**h and everything has to be my way.
Now here`s the thing. It`s my wedding, and my FH and i are paying for everything. I had already chosen what dresses i wanted and i gave that up and chose different ones for my MOH (who is not even helping me with anything). And she also was complaining she didn`t want dyeable shoes and didn`t want to spend money on stuff she wasn`t wearing again. Now mind you, she is a cousin of mine, we are kind of close. Which is probably the only reason i changed anything. I have been pretty reasonable with things and i am told i am not. And since i have told her we are having dyeable shoes she hasn`t bothered to help with anything, about 2 months now. My one friend makes excuses for everyone why they haven`t done this and that. But just tells me i am complaining and i am asking way too much from everyone. I have been planning my own wedding by myself along with my own Jack n Jill party. My friend also told me, well its just another day its no big deal; i don`t know why your making a big fuss. Am i wrong for being hurt and angry that nobody has done anything? The jack n jill party is april 24th. My friends like well u should have just had a shower. She knows its hard for us since my FH works nights. We had to pick a date and we wanted our parties together. Is there anything wrong with that. My friend just keeps telling me how impossible i am and i have to have things my way and how i won`t compromise and stuff like that. Is it just me, am i over rea-acting?
Mel
Posted by mel; updated 03/22/04
Reply
I do not know their side of the story. However, I do know its difficult to plan a wedding, especially without much help. So maybe they need to take that into consideration. Also weddings can bring out the worst in some people, I`m not sure why. Sometimes, its envy that you have something they don`t have.
Posted by Liza; updated 03/22/04
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No i dont think your over reacting... But this does happen to many of us.. People think we are being un reasonable and make comments like "its only one day"... But my way of thinking abou it is : "thats right!! It is only one day!! And I`m never going to have this day back again. So I`ll do whatever i can to make it my own version of perfect".
As for your feelings getting hurt... I`ve learned a long hard lesson there. Unless they are in your shoes they can`t possibly understad how they are making you feel. The question you have to ask yourself is: are they doing this to hurt me deliberately or are they just being ignorant of my feelings?. If you can answer that then you know how to react better to them.
I`ve had to do a lot of my own planning and stuffs as well.... My grandmother even got mad at me just the other day because she is convinced that come wedding day i`ll hate the flowers that i have for my boquet: stargazer lillies and alstromaria and onion grass (all silk) which i picked out and arranged myself because they are my FAVORITE FLOWERS. Is she trying to hurt me there?... No... She`s just thinking about what she would do.... And being upset that i don`t see it the same way and wont bend. Sigh***
Getting hurt and upset doesn`t help us.. But at times its unavoidable. Try to be patient but stand your ground... It is your day :)
As for your feelings getting hurt... I`ve learned a long hard lesson there. Unless they are in your shoes they can`t possibly understad how they are making you feel. The question you have to ask yourself is: are they doing this to hurt me deliberately or are they just being ignorant of my feelings?. If you can answer that then you know how to react better to them.
I`ve had to do a lot of my own planning and stuffs as well.... My grandmother even got mad at me just the other day because she is convinced that come wedding day i`ll hate the flowers that i have for my boquet: stargazer lillies and alstromaria and onion grass (all silk) which i picked out and arranged myself because they are my FAVORITE FLOWERS. Is she trying to hurt me there?... No... She`s just thinking about what she would do.... And being upset that i don`t see it the same way and wont bend. Sigh***
Getting hurt and upset doesn`t help us.. But at times its unavoidable. Try to be patient but stand your ground... It is your day :)
Posted by stacey; updated 03/22/04
Reply
Liza well there is no other side of the story.....Nobody has done anything to help and i don`t feel they should have a say in what i do or don`t do........I do thank you for your input. I don`t know why my friend does that to me, she does it all the time, finds my faults. I know i am stubborn, but when i am planning everything and paying for everything, don`t i have a right to do what i want?
Stacey, i have no clue if they are being delibert on hurting me.
My friend i guess just doesn`t understand anything about getting married. And telling me i am unreasonable and won`t compromise. Last i knew it was my wedding day and i have done many compromises. I wanted to make sure all the dresses would compliment each girl and then i had my cousin complaining about this and that like she was the only one in the wedding. So i met everyone half way with everything. How is that unreasonable. I just don`t feel they should have any say in anything else considering nobody is helping me. Am I wrong on feeling this way?
Thanks everyone
Mel
Stacey, i have no clue if they are being delibert on hurting me.
My friend i guess just doesn`t understand anything about getting married. And telling me i am unreasonable and won`t compromise. Last i knew it was my wedding day and i have done many compromises. I wanted to make sure all the dresses would compliment each girl and then i had my cousin complaining about this and that like she was the only one in the wedding. So i met everyone half way with everything. How is that unreasonable. I just don`t feel they should have any say in anything else considering nobody is helping me. Am I wrong on feeling this way?
Thanks everyone
Mel
Posted by mel; updated 03/22/04
Reply
I think that since you are paying for everything, then you have the right to make almost all the decisions. Other people do have rights too, so its important to understand when they need to have a say in something.
Posted by Angelique; updated 03/22/04
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If someone was paying for your wedding.. Then they usually get some say. But if you are paying (as you said you are) then there is really nothing anyone can do. I did the same thing with the brides maids dresses and my sister was nasty to me abou it.... The way i see it is you asked them to be a part of the party and they knew that they were going to have to buy these things before they accepted. If they don`t like it then they have the ability (not necessarily the right) to tell you so and they also have the right to back out of the party. My own sister went so far as to tell me that she may show up on wedding day... Or she may not (an obvious threat). And she did this after I had asked the other BM`s to be understanding of her and for them to get either the same dress or the same colour that she wanted.
Remember one thing though: yes you want these people to be happy, and you want them to be a part of your day, but if you feel that they are being emotionally or verbally abusive to you then you should not have to put up with this. If you talk to them and they still continue on the same path then protect your feelings... If that means re-thinking the members of your party .. Then so be it. .... Talk first, actions second: When talking and logic doesn`t work.... You have to take action.
I hope your planning gets `smoother` from here. Let me know how you are doing ok?
Loveme4keeps@yahoo.com
Remember one thing though: yes you want these people to be happy, and you want them to be a part of your day, but if you feel that they are being emotionally or verbally abusive to you then you should not have to put up with this. If you talk to them and they still continue on the same path then protect your feelings... If that means re-thinking the members of your party .. Then so be it. .... Talk first, actions second: When talking and logic doesn`t work.... You have to take action.
I hope your planning gets `smoother` from here. Let me know how you are doing ok?
Loveme4keeps@yahoo.com
Posted by stacey; updated 03/22/04
Reply
I don`t know i guess i feel different. Cause all their input is all negative. It`s just why are you doing this and that and not this and that. Nobody wants to help me doing anything but have no problem criticizing (sp) everything i do. I guess i just feel if they don`t want to bother to help then to me they have no say in how everything is going to done. I just wanted to see if its wrong of me to feel this way. Thanks again for everyones posts
Mel
Mel
Posted by mel; updated 03/22/04
Reply
Hi mel
I am going to say something that you might not like to hear, and i amnot saying to upset you or anything, but to THEM it is just a day. This day is important to YOU, not to them. I have been involved with friends during the weddings and what they expect and it totally boogles my mind sometimes. If you want my humble opionion, step back, adn see what the important things are that you truly care
About in your wedding and worry about those. Everything else, let whatever happens happens. Don`t make everyone sick and tired of you over your wedding. Make them happy, and thrilled for you by making things simple......
I am going to say something that you might not like to hear, and i amnot saying to upset you or anything, but to THEM it is just a day. This day is important to YOU, not to them. I have been involved with friends during the weddings and what they expect and it totally boogles my mind sometimes. If you want my humble opionion, step back, adn see what the important things are that you truly care
About in your wedding and worry about those. Everything else, let whatever happens happens. Don`t make everyone sick and tired of you over your wedding. Make them happy, and thrilled for you by making things simple......
Posted by someone; updated 03/22/04
Reply
Someone,
No it doesn`t upset me what you wrote.
Just when it is suppose to be your best friend and your family. Seems to me they should be happy for me and want to help me and all that stuff.
Thats my point, nobody has done anything to help me or anything. So how can they get sick and tired of it when they haven`t helped. All they do is put down what i have done because its not what they would have done. Well they are not contributing to anything so why should they have a say it in. Why are they all just dissing everything i do. Why is it i am the one that is the b_tch who doesn`t compromise and think of others when i am the one doing everything myself and my FH and i are paying for everything.
Do you get what i mean? Why would they do this. They have nothing to be tired of since they are not doing anything. I just don`t get it, maybe its me and i don`t realize it.
Believe me i am keeping things simple. I have searched everywhere on the net for everything. Our whole wedding is under 4,000 dollars. I am a very simple person.
I just don`t get while people think they have the right to do what they are. I can see if they were paying for it or helping with things. Is there any reason why they would do this?
Mel
No it doesn`t upset me what you wrote.
Just when it is suppose to be your best friend and your family. Seems to me they should be happy for me and want to help me and all that stuff.
Thats my point, nobody has done anything to help me or anything. So how can they get sick and tired of it when they haven`t helped. All they do is put down what i have done because its not what they would have done. Well they are not contributing to anything so why should they have a say it in. Why are they all just dissing everything i do. Why is it i am the one that is the b_tch who doesn`t compromise and think of others when i am the one doing everything myself and my FH and i are paying for everything.
Do you get what i mean? Why would they do this. They have nothing to be tired of since they are not doing anything. I just don`t get it, maybe its me and i don`t realize it.
Believe me i am keeping things simple. I have searched everywhere on the net for everything. Our whole wedding is under 4,000 dollars. I am a very simple person.
I just don`t get while people think they have the right to do what they are. I can see if they were paying for it or helping with things. Is there any reason why they would do this?
Mel
Posted by mel; updated 03/22/04
Reply
Mel, I did not get much help with my wedding either. Even though it was a small one, it was stressful to put it all together. My fiance had been married before, and he wasn`t that enthusiastic about spending a lot of money and time on another wedding. My parents are divorced with a bad attitude toward marriage & weddings. So I wound up doing all the work! I did have two good friends who did me some huge favors. But that was about it.
Posted by Tess; updated 03/22/04
Reply
If these are supposed to be the people that love you, then maybe they are saying these things for a reason. There is always 3 sides to every story. Your side, their side and somewhere in the middle is usually the truth. Maybe you think you are just trying to get things the way you want (and yes, you have that right), but maybe your friends and family see you as ordering them around or being bitchy. Maybe they feel like they have tried to help and you haven`t been receptive or open. Maybe their jealous. The point here is, there is a problem and you need to address it. Instead of sitting at the computer looking for sympathy from a bunch of strangers, sit them down and talk to them (calmly and maturely) and discuss the problem. Tell them how you feel, and listen to them and how they feel. Don`t get defensive. Yes, your wedding day is a wonderful and important day, but it is not worth estranging your entire family and friends for. Work it out. Good luck, and I hope everything works out for you so that you all find happiness.
Posted by Sarah; updated 03/22/04
Reply
Im not here for sympathy. I just wanted to see if it was just me. I just wanted to see if this thing has happened to anyone else.
I guess some are not reading what i wrote.
NOBODY HAS EVEN ATTEMPTED TO HELP ME PERIOD. SO THEY DON`T HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE SAYING ANYTHING ON WHAT TO DO.
That is what i am trying to get at.
Do they have a right to tell me i am doing things wrong just because they wouldn`t do it, when they HAVEN`T EVEN ATTEMPTED TO HELP ME?
As for getting a hold of them, i call and get their voice mail, or the phone just rings and they don`t call back.
The only time they off anything is if it`s not the way they would do it.
I guess maybe i have always dreamed my mother and closest friends and relatives would be there for me and help me through whats suppose to be one of the most important days in my life. I have tried asking for opinions in the begining and stuff. Nobody had any interest in anything.
So maybe i should ask how to get them interested, i have asked and tried and nobody wants to do anything. The only thing they offer is negative remarks.
Any ideas or should i just say to heck with everyone and just keep doing it myself?
I guess some are not reading what i wrote.
NOBODY HAS EVEN ATTEMPTED TO HELP ME PERIOD. SO THEY DON`T HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE SAYING ANYTHING ON WHAT TO DO.
That is what i am trying to get at.
Do they have a right to tell me i am doing things wrong just because they wouldn`t do it, when they HAVEN`T EVEN ATTEMPTED TO HELP ME?
As for getting a hold of them, i call and get their voice mail, or the phone just rings and they don`t call back.
The only time they off anything is if it`s not the way they would do it.
I guess maybe i have always dreamed my mother and closest friends and relatives would be there for me and help me through whats suppose to be one of the most important days in my life. I have tried asking for opinions in the begining and stuff. Nobody had any interest in anything.
So maybe i should ask how to get them interested, i have asked and tried and nobody wants to do anything. The only thing they offer is negative remarks.
Any ideas or should i just say to heck with everyone and just keep doing it myself?
Posted by mel; updated 03/22/04
Reply
Mel. We are living in an era where lots of people are in unhappy marriages, divorce is the norm, and others are losing hope of ever meeting their special person. Is it any wonder people will be negative towards a bride about her wedding day? I went through this - the same thing you are going through. Its hard, I know. Weddings don`t seem to be the happy celebration that they were in earlier times. You are not alone because a lot of other brides are going through this. I found out about my wedding, that some close family members did not really want to attend my wedding, even though it was just a few miles from where they lived. They showed up at my wedding and did not speak to me at all. I wish now I hadn`t invited them in the first place.
Posted by Missy; updated 03/23/04
Reply
Mel,
Unfortunately people who are not married won`t understand what you are going through. I never thought planning a wedding would be so stressful. I thought it would be so much fun. I myself am paying for most of my wedding (my parents are helping out some). With regards to your MOH I would tell her all the stress of planning and paying for it. Try to inform her of all that YOU have to do. And with your FH working alot that give you more responsiblity, and thats why your seeking help from them. My MOH was complaining about the shoes too. She wanted 4" heels and everyone else wants 2-3" heels. So heres what I did I choose the shoes and told everone tough luck because what goes around comes around and whos to say I`m going to like the shoe for their wedding (if they ever have one). I said you know what I`m not hear to please anyone but myself, I choose you girls becuase of the value you add to my life not the stress you add to my wedding. Unfortunately we all know some people will like stuff and others wont. And I can`t believe your MOH would act like this, its so not necessary.
Unfortunately people who are not married won`t understand what you are going through. I never thought planning a wedding would be so stressful. I thought it would be so much fun. I myself am paying for most of my wedding (my parents are helping out some). With regards to your MOH I would tell her all the stress of planning and paying for it. Try to inform her of all that YOU have to do. And with your FH working alot that give you more responsiblity, and thats why your seeking help from them. My MOH was complaining about the shoes too. She wanted 4" heels and everyone else wants 2-3" heels. So heres what I did I choose the shoes and told everone tough luck because what goes around comes around and whos to say I`m going to like the shoe for their wedding (if they ever have one). I said you know what I`m not hear to please anyone but myself, I choose you girls becuase of the value you add to my life not the stress you add to my wedding. Unfortunately we all know some people will like stuff and others wont. And I can`t believe your MOH would act like this, its so not necessary.
Posted by sara; updated 03/23/04
Reply
Thanks Sarah, Missy and Sara.
It`s kind of good to know my family isn`t the only ones like this. I don`t know i guess its now how i pictured it would be. Guess its disappointing to know they don`t care. Thanks for the insight and all your input on everything.
Just makes me sad i guess, his family is sooo excited about everything and mine shows no interest, except my dad, his girlfiend, my two brothers have the past couple month and their other halves. Anyway thanks again girls for everything.
Mel
It`s kind of good to know my family isn`t the only ones like this. I don`t know i guess its now how i pictured it would be. Guess its disappointing to know they don`t care. Thanks for the insight and all your input on everything.
Just makes me sad i guess, his family is sooo excited about everything and mine shows no interest, except my dad, his girlfiend, my two brothers have the past couple month and their other halves. Anyway thanks again girls for everything.
Mel
Posted by mel; updated 03/23/04
Reply
That`s how it was for me - my fiance`s family was very happy for us, but my family was not happy for me. Most of my family members have been through divorces and unhappy marriages, and they did not wish me any happiness. It has nothing to do with you, it has to do with their own dreams that did not come true. Also women tend to be jealous of other women who find a man to marry.
Posted by Missy; updated 03/23/04
Reply
Dear Mel-
When I was a little girl, my grandma always used to tell me that when people are throwing stones at you, you should give them bread. This is just a literal translation and what it pretty much means that it is natural to be upset with people that are not enthusiastic about your big day and not concerned with your needs and wants. However, being upset with them will only spoil your wedding planning experience which has been so far one of the best in my life. All I can suggest is that you maybe get them some nice cards and write down all the positive feelings that you have about them and how much it means to you that they are going to be a part of such important day in YOUR life. One can only respond to something like that with kindness..Hopefully it will help them see the big picture...Let me know if it works..
When I was a little girl, my grandma always used to tell me that when people are throwing stones at you, you should give them bread. This is just a literal translation and what it pretty much means that it is natural to be upset with people that are not enthusiastic about your big day and not concerned with your needs and wants. However, being upset with them will only spoil your wedding planning experience which has been so far one of the best in my life. All I can suggest is that you maybe get them some nice cards and write down all the positive feelings that you have about them and how much it means to you that they are going to be a part of such important day in YOUR life. One can only respond to something like that with kindness..Hopefully it will help them see the big picture...Let me know if it works..
Posted by silv; updated 03/23/04
Reply
I would be really upset. My sister is MOH and is trying to plan a Jack and Jill shower for me. She is young and doesn`t know what to do so she asked another friend in the bridal party. She seemed to blow her off! Now I`m upset.
Just keep one thing in mind...this is your special day. Everyone is going to have a different opinion when it comes to weddings and you have to ignore it. Do what you want because this day is going to happen only once.
As for your MOH...wow! Maybe she should be replaced. Sounds really flaky... And over a silly dress and shoes! I wish I could throw you a shower!
Just keep one thing in mind...this is your special day. Everyone is going to have a different opinion when it comes to weddings and you have to ignore it. Do what you want because this day is going to happen only once.
As for your MOH...wow! Maybe she should be replaced. Sounds really flaky... And over a silly dress and shoes! I wish I could throw you a shower!
Posted by Laura V.; updated 03/23/04
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Oh I forgot to mention this...I planned the wedding along with fiance in 2 weeks without anyone`s help. I thought that it brought us closer together. What is he doing to help you? Remember you are supposed to be a team.
Laura
Laura
Posted by Laura V.; updated 03/23/04
Reply
HI laura,
My FH works nights, so it`s hard to do anything. He is working when i am sleeping and he is sleeping when i am up doing my things. He does what he can do to help and he makes the money.
My one friend tells me well you have time to do things so i have no right to be angry that they aren`t helping. My cousin, who is my MOH works 4 days a week, she has time, And everyone else works 5 days a week. Im not asking for much, i just should have to plan my own jack n jill party along with my wedding. Ya know what i mean? I am just getting soo angry an annoyed that nobody wants to help. But they have no problem saying stuff about me and what i have done so far.
My cousin was upset and mad cause my mother was not helping or had any interest. And now she is doing the same thing. I guess i just don`t get it.
So i decided for the jack n jill, we will have some raffles, door prizes, play some games, and have pizza, chips n dip; along with other munchies.......Sound OK?
Thanks girls for your posts......and the advice.
Mel
My FH works nights, so it`s hard to do anything. He is working when i am sleeping and he is sleeping when i am up doing my things. He does what he can do to help and he makes the money.
My one friend tells me well you have time to do things so i have no right to be angry that they aren`t helping. My cousin, who is my MOH works 4 days a week, she has time, And everyone else works 5 days a week. Im not asking for much, i just should have to plan my own jack n jill party along with my wedding. Ya know what i mean? I am just getting soo angry an annoyed that nobody wants to help. But they have no problem saying stuff about me and what i have done so far.
My cousin was upset and mad cause my mother was not helping or had any interest. And now she is doing the same thing. I guess i just don`t get it.
So i decided for the jack n jill, we will have some raffles, door prizes, play some games, and have pizza, chips n dip; along with other munchies.......Sound OK?
Thanks girls for your posts......and the advice.
Mel
Posted by mel; updated 03/23/04
Reply
Hi Mel,
I think i might have misunderstood ur orginal post. I can hear the frustration and hurt in ur voice about how no one wants to help. I can`t remember who said this, but i like the idea of sending them "thank you " cards and telling them all the positive things they have done (might be hard to find, but you can even fluff up some of the small things).....
Which state do u live in, maybe some of us can help...
I think i might have misunderstood ur orginal post. I can hear the frustration and hurt in ur voice about how no one wants to help. I can`t remember who said this, but i like the idea of sending them "thank you " cards and telling them all the positive things they have done (might be hard to find, but you can even fluff up some of the small things).....
Which state do u live in, maybe some of us can help...
Posted by someone; updated 03/23/04
Reply
The whole point of having a maid-of-honor is that you as the bride can count on her for stuff (that doesn`t involve money). People who agree to be part of the wedding party know that they will have to wear what they are told and pay for their attire. That is a given. Anyone who is not comfortable with that, usually says no when they`re asked to be in the party.
If someone is not comfortable with spending money on an outfit and shoes they will not ever wear again, they shouldn`t be a bridesmaid of maid of honor.
Is your maid of honor the one telling you that you are not being reasonable? If you have indeed asked her for her help on several occasions (once is forgivable) and she has not helped you, then find another maid of honor.
Take a deep breath, count to ten, and ask yourself which things (both positive and negative) you will actually remember fifteen years down the road. If you forsee anyone or anything will make you so angry now that it will ruin the memory of your wedding day...address the problem now, before your wedding.
If someone is not comfortable with spending money on an outfit and shoes they will not ever wear again, they shouldn`t be a bridesmaid of maid of honor.
Is your maid of honor the one telling you that you are not being reasonable? If you have indeed asked her for her help on several occasions (once is forgivable) and she has not helped you, then find another maid of honor.
Take a deep breath, count to ten, and ask yourself which things (both positive and negative) you will actually remember fifteen years down the road. If you forsee anyone or anything will make you so angry now that it will ruin the memory of your wedding day...address the problem now, before your wedding.
Posted by Trudy; updated 04/01/04
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