Not Have Your Father Walk You Down The Aisle?
This is a really personal issue for me. For the most part, most people think my dad is a pretty great guy. They don`t have any clue what he`s really like or don`t want to accept it. Some closer family and friends are beginning to finally notice what i`ve known all along. He`s a narcissistic, emotionally abusive, controlling jerk. To be honest there have been some moments of physical abuse (he wasnt` a constant abuser, which makes things really confusing b/c you have so many more good memories, but the bad ones are really bad). At this point I do not feel comfortable being close, near him (i.e. Standing close next to him, even sitting next to him is awkward for me). Unfortunately as I said most of the world doesn`t know this and would find it really strange why this great guy isn`t walking his daughter down the aisle, isn`t having a father-daughter dance with her at her wedding etc. In fact he`s too narcissistic to understand why it wouldn`t be happening too. (after confrontation he still contends he has never done anything wrong by me). Anyway, I don`t want a black cloud hanging over my wedding day, and i dont` want people whispering and wondering and such, but at the same time i do not want to suck it up and deal with it and just let him do the normal rituals with me. So, my question is what can i do in this situation? Is it okay for me to walk down the aisle by myself? I know if I asked someone else to do it all hell would break loose, but what if I had like my 10-year-old nephew who i`m really close with to do the honors? Is there any good way to handle this situation? If you have any thoughts or suggestions or advise please help me. Right now I have no clue what to do. I`m not getting married for a long time so I have plenty of time to work this out, but this is something that has been really bothering me and everytime I think about my wedding if I think about this it makes me sick to my stomach and that`s not what this experience is supposed to be like so if you can offer any advice I would gladly appreciate it. Thanks.
Posted by traci; updated 02/18/04
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Traci,
Hmmm, this is a tough one. Your father obviously isn`t someone that has respected you throughout your life and has done some things that sound pretty awful. I think that walking up the aisle yourself will be fine. Another idea is to have both your mom and dad walk you up. Now I know you say you don`t like to stand close to your dad at this point, but would having your mom there make it easier? I don`t think that I would have the 10 yr old walk you up. I would either go it alone or have mom & dad do it. This has been something that I`ve dreaded about my wedding my whole life too. I have a great father, and a great step-father (my step dad for almost 25yrs). I have decided to have both of them walk me up the aisle because I couldn`t choose one over the other. My FMIL thought that it would look "tacky", but I really don`t care because they are both so special to me I couldn`t imagine my day without either of my dad`s.
Hope this helps to ease your mind.
Posted by CLL; updated 02/18/04
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Traci,
I TOTALLY sympathize with you. My father, like yours was and still is a jerk. A few months ago, I tried to bury the hatchett, but just recently got into another disagreement. Believe it or not, it is during these moments that I believe that he is not truly sorry for all the things he has said and done. I mean it was his suggestion that he walk me down (the nerve) and I meekly agreed. Then after this argument I am realizing that I am LYING to myself by allowing myself to walk next to him. He tries to convince everyone that he knows I am successful in life with a lot of credit due to him--NOT!!! So I say, follow your heart. This was your father`s doing. An honor like that has to be earned. I mean initially I was doing the walk for my family but they all know and understand. But I was trying to be the better person. But you know, I just wouldn`t feel right, and that is more important on such a day. Either walk yourself. Or have your nephew walk you. What I may do, so as not to cause too much humbug is have my mother and my godmother walk me on each side. So it won`t look as if I am picking one over the other. Or I`ll walk myself.
Posted by Leyla; updated 02/18/04
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I also have this issue...well...sort of.
I have just starting getting in touch with my father again, and I`ve invited him to our wedding, but I won`t have him walk me down the aisle. He`s an alcoholic and left my mom when I was pretty young.
Of course...there`s the *other* issue that I just don`t like the idea of being "given away" I am probably reading too much into this, but the whole idea seems like women are property to be transfered.
So...I`m giving myself away. I`ve toyed with the idea of having my dog(and possible ring bearer) walk me down the aisle, but that might be a little to weird, even for me.
Meh...I say have your mom do it, or walk yourself!
Posted by Laura; updated 02/18/04
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Thank you all for your input. It makes me feel a lot better to hear from others that its okay to do things differently. You`re all probably wondering what brought on my idea of having my nephew do the honors. Actually, I`ve been to a wedding where the bride`s father had passed on many years before and so she had her nephew walk her down the aisle. He was maybe 8 years old but it worked out really well. Everyone loved the idea and it was very touching to see him walk his aunt down the aisle. My niece and nephew are very important to me (my fiance had to get their approval, he was nervous meeting them but they love him) I played a big role in raising them and we have a very close relationship similar to a mother-child relationship. I really want them in my wedding but they are too old for flower girl or ring bearer (atleast by the conventions i`ve grown up around). The suggestion of having my mom and a grandmother or godmother walk me down was a great idea except I don`t have a godmother or a living grandmother and if i had my mom walk me down and not my dad, again the all hell breaks loose thing applies. My neice and nephew are my world and everyone who knows me knows this so i dont` think they would find it strange for me to have them walk me down the aisle. So, that is kind of what i`m thinking now. Thank you all for your help and input, if you have anymore thoughts/ideas by all means share.
Posted by traci; updated 02/18/04
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Well at least you have a choice i say do what you feel is best for you because you only get thid on day. Myself personally my father doesn`t want to walk me down the aisle, because he now does not approve of my boyfriend, and i`m getting married with or without him there.
Posted by siera; updated 06/13/06
