So Confused About One Of My Bridesmaids?!
My fiancé and I got engaged in September 2003, and things are going great in planning the wedding. My bridesmaids have been great except for one. She is a completely different person from when I asked her to be in my wedding.
I have two sides of good friends; on one side a friend of mine was going through a divorce (away from his wife for maybe 3 weeks or so) when he met my friend. They hit it off and that was great, everybody loves attention! I told her to be careful, he was going through a divorce and he is not ready for a relationship. So instead of listening to me she pursued him (he tried to tell her as well that he wasn`t ready), so that was fine, they spent one weekend together and had a great time.
The weekend after they spent time together, I took her to meet my other side of friends. We were having a great time, until she started flirting with one of my married friends! They were really drunk (which doesn`t matter to me) and while they talked I kept interrupting them, "hey you need to call you wife" "how`s your daughter doing?" stuff like that. I probably shouldn`t have gotten in the middle but I felt I should since the married couple are my friends. So at the end of the night she tells me she is ready to go, so we go. I offered to take my married friend home and he say`s no, not a big deal I will just stay at your house. Which was fine. I felt pretty uncertain about what my friend would try to do since she was flirting with a married man. So, everybody goes to bed, she is sleeping in the living room, and he is in the guest bedroom. I had this really bad gut feeling that I should check up on them. (HE`S MARRIED! AND SHE IS SUPPOSE TO BE MY FRIEND) I don`t know why I put myself in these positions, but I did. So I walked out on them and she was moaning and they heard me (I went into the kitchen for some water) and they were like... "shhhh" I was really mad, so I went back to the room, slammed the door and had the worst panic attack ever! So he comes to the room, and my fiancé told him to go away, so she came in a couple mins after and my fiancé told her I didn`t want to talk to her. So she left.
Well the next day she tells me that my married friend raped her. She didn`t want to press charges and she would handle it herself. And if we could keep it between us that would be great. I offered her everything that I could. Help in any way. I wanted to press charges and she said no. I believed her. But then stories started to come up. Her story would constantly change, some of my other friends saw them kissing and his hand down her pants (she told he that he tried to kiss her and she pushed him away, and that he tried to put his hand down her pants and she said no). Since this so called "rape" she has slept with 5 or so guys.
I am very suprised that she would lie to me about that. I mean, as a child I was molested until the age of 10 and I was raped at 13. This is not something that I take lightly at all.
She also just recently told me that my MoH said that I`m too much like her mother and that I always want to know what she`s doing all the time (which is not true) and so I stopped talking to my MoH because I was so hurt. I talked to her last night and she said, "OMG, I never said that, I would tell you if I felt that way".
So now with the wedding in 6 months, my "friend" has slept with both sides of my friends, claimed rape on one and the one going through the divorce is getting back together with is wife and she is one of my best friends. And now she is saying she regrets getting together with my divorce friend (they had sex 4 times in one day!)
So what I`m trying to figure out, how do I talk to her. My other bridesmaid think I should ask her not to be in the wedding anymore. I`m so confused. Please help.
Thanks!!!
I have two sides of good friends; on one side a friend of mine was going through a divorce (away from his wife for maybe 3 weeks or so) when he met my friend. They hit it off and that was great, everybody loves attention! I told her to be careful, he was going through a divorce and he is not ready for a relationship. So instead of listening to me she pursued him (he tried to tell her as well that he wasn`t ready), so that was fine, they spent one weekend together and had a great time.
The weekend after they spent time together, I took her to meet my other side of friends. We were having a great time, until she started flirting with one of my married friends! They were really drunk (which doesn`t matter to me) and while they talked I kept interrupting them, "hey you need to call you wife" "how`s your daughter doing?" stuff like that. I probably shouldn`t have gotten in the middle but I felt I should since the married couple are my friends. So at the end of the night she tells me she is ready to go, so we go. I offered to take my married friend home and he say`s no, not a big deal I will just stay at your house. Which was fine. I felt pretty uncertain about what my friend would try to do since she was flirting with a married man. So, everybody goes to bed, she is sleeping in the living room, and he is in the guest bedroom. I had this really bad gut feeling that I should check up on them. (HE`S MARRIED! AND SHE IS SUPPOSE TO BE MY FRIEND) I don`t know why I put myself in these positions, but I did. So I walked out on them and she was moaning and they heard me (I went into the kitchen for some water) and they were like... "shhhh" I was really mad, so I went back to the room, slammed the door and had the worst panic attack ever! So he comes to the room, and my fiancé told him to go away, so she came in a couple mins after and my fiancé told her I didn`t want to talk to her. So she left.
Well the next day she tells me that my married friend raped her. She didn`t want to press charges and she would handle it herself. And if we could keep it between us that would be great. I offered her everything that I could. Help in any way. I wanted to press charges and she said no. I believed her. But then stories started to come up. Her story would constantly change, some of my other friends saw them kissing and his hand down her pants (she told he that he tried to kiss her and she pushed him away, and that he tried to put his hand down her pants and she said no). Since this so called "rape" she has slept with 5 or so guys.
I am very suprised that she would lie to me about that. I mean, as a child I was molested until the age of 10 and I was raped at 13. This is not something that I take lightly at all.
She also just recently told me that my MoH said that I`m too much like her mother and that I always want to know what she`s doing all the time (which is not true) and so I stopped talking to my MoH because I was so hurt. I talked to her last night and she said, "OMG, I never said that, I would tell you if I felt that way".
So now with the wedding in 6 months, my "friend" has slept with both sides of my friends, claimed rape on one and the one going through the divorce is getting back together with is wife and she is one of my best friends. And now she is saying she regrets getting together with my divorce friend (they had sex 4 times in one day!)
So what I`m trying to figure out, how do I talk to her. My other bridesmaid think I should ask her not to be in the wedding anymore. I`m so confused. Please help.
Thanks!!!
Posted by Cristina; updated 02/11/04
Reply
Holy Crap. I know she is a friend of yours, but it sounds like she has a problem not being the attention getter. But I don`t know, I don`t know her. This is a really difficult decision. But, if she was raped, why was she moaning? And she has done this before (go after married men). I`m not relinquishing the guys role in this, he was after all, married. But what is his version of the night? You saw them yourself, all night, all over one another. And you know this girl well enough that you felt the need to check up on them. And if she was being raped, why wouldn`t she have screamed or told you that night, or done anything? I have never been raped, so I can`t say what I would do. But I sure as hell wouldn`t have stayed in the same house as the man, and I sure as hell would try and make sure you understood what really happened. I don`t know. I know it`s tough, but if you really want to address the issue, and I think you should, then you might have to call her out on the discrepancies in her story and her past and current behavior. But be careful not to let your other bridesmaids influence your decision too much. They are your friends, and girls, by nature, hate other girls. So, seeing that she hurts and stresses you out so much, they`re naturally inclined to jump to your defense and zealously protect you. And while that is nice sometimes, use it for what it`s worth, which is just an outlet to vent. Don`t take their anger and advice too much to heart, listen to your own.
Posted by Krystyn; updated 02/11/04
Reply
The first thing is, do you still want her as a bridesmaid? Second you should tell her that you do not feel that she has been acting like a friend does, you understand that everyone makes mistakes but she does not have to lie to you about it. (some of us have been raped we don`t moan and then say shh when we hear someone, that person becomes our knight in shining armor) if he had raped her he would not have tried to come and talk to you right after it.
If you do want her as your bridesmaid still i think you should still confront her.
If you do want her as your bridesmaid still i think you should still confront her.
Posted by jill; updated 02/11/04
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That`s where I`m not sure. If a person is lying to me that easily, what else is she going to lie about? Is this going to continue? The thing I guess I`m most afraid of is.... She will not want to be friends at all if I ask her not to be in the wedding. Is this good for me overall? Do I really want a friend like that?
I have a really hard time confronting people, and that`s why I haven`t confronted her on these issues. But when I do, I do I come across as not attacking her. I just want her to know how I feel without hurting her feelings.
Arrrrgggg.....
I have a really hard time confronting people, and that`s why I haven`t confronted her on these issues. But when I do, I do I come across as not attacking her. I just want her to know how I feel without hurting her feelings.
Arrrrgggg.....
Posted by Cristina; updated 02/11/04
Reply
I hate confronting people especially friends but you have to do what is best for you. If she will not want to be friends afterwards, do you really want her as a friend and is she really a friend? I would personally think no for myself. But again you have to do what is best for you and what is best for some may not be for others
Posted by jill; updated 02/11/04
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Christina
Try writing a letter if you`re too nervous to talk to her face. I too am afraid of face to face confrontations. Its really hard too, because I know whats best for me (usually!) but my fear of confrontation sometimes leads me to do nothing, and I end up really regretting that. I have used the letter option in the past. And it`s really great, because your words are in writing, there`s no way they can ever be misconstrued that way. And if she doesn`t repsond, or doesn`t want to continue the freindship, well, so be it. It will hurt, but not as much as if you stayed friends with her and waited to see what kind of damage she could cause in the future.
Try writing a letter if you`re too nervous to talk to her face. I too am afraid of face to face confrontations. Its really hard too, because I know whats best for me (usually!) but my fear of confrontation sometimes leads me to do nothing, and I end up really regretting that. I have used the letter option in the past. And it`s really great, because your words are in writing, there`s no way they can ever be misconstrued that way. And if she doesn`t repsond, or doesn`t want to continue the freindship, well, so be it. It will hurt, but not as much as if you stayed friends with her and waited to see what kind of damage she could cause in the future.
Posted by Krystyn; updated 02/12/04
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I think you should ask her to not be in the wedding. Tell her you think its best that she bow out. She sounds like the kind of person who has to stir up drama wherever she goes. I guarantee she will cause problems at your wedding.
Posted by missy; updated 02/16/04
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Cristina-
Do yourself a favor and go back and reread what you posted. In rereading, sincerely try to hear your own voice and truly listen to what you yourself are saying.
Specifically consider the following (and I`ve typed precisely your own words):
"She is a completely different person..."
"I told her...so instead of listening to me..."
"I had this really bad gut feeling..."
"I was really mad...I had the worst panic attack..."
"I am very surprised that she would lie to me..."
"I`m so confused..."
Now, truly ask yourself why is this so confusing? Is it possible that it`s confusing because this person is not really what you consider to be a true friend and yes that hurts? If a friend is the indirect cause of a panic attack, do you truly think this is a healthy person for you to be friends with?
In considering your question, "How do I talk to her?" you have also overlooked your answer to your own question: "So, instead of listening to me..."
Are you following me here? It seems logical that it`s hard to talk to someone who doesn`t listen. Friends listen to one another because they truly care about one another. Go with your gut...if it feels bad in your gut, it usually is and aren`t you truly better off without that kind of friendship?
Consider the following in terms of which would be worse:
1. Your calmly confronting her in regards to why you no longer desire her to be at your wedding.
Or
2. Having a huge embarassing scene or fight at your wedding because she flaunts herself at the wrong friend married or otherwise? This is assuming that all the persons somehow involved in these liasons will be in attendance.
Then consider which of the two is the greater risk or confrontation?
Sometimes the only way we grow in relationships is through ending them. You`ve already offered your help and through no one`s choice but her own, she refused to accept it. In acting out sexually, your friend is abusing herself and taking advantage of you in the process. Protect yourself and your own best interests until this so-called friend gets some professional counseling.
Also, if it bothered you to the point of having an anxiety attack, I see nothing wrong with calmly letting your friends know that your house is not to be used as the local motel 6. In extending the invitation to both of them to stay, I`m sorry, but you also indirectly "left the light on" for them. And you also were aware of this, though you didn`t listen to yourself. In the future, make sure you flip the switch a bit more directly. True friends understand that and wouldn`t think any less of you for your honesty and candidness. I also might have considered phoning his wife just to let her know that he`d had too much to drink and you were concerned about him...maybe she would have wanted to come pick him up. If she was surprised by what she saw when she got there, then you`d still be the honest and concerned friend and not feel like you were lying to her later in keeping a secret.
Good luck, and in the end the only person you have to listen to is yourself. You decide what`s right for you and you have all the answers you need within you.
Do yourself a favor and go back and reread what you posted. In rereading, sincerely try to hear your own voice and truly listen to what you yourself are saying.
Specifically consider the following (and I`ve typed precisely your own words):
"She is a completely different person..."
"I told her...so instead of listening to me..."
"I had this really bad gut feeling..."
"I was really mad...I had the worst panic attack..."
"I am very surprised that she would lie to me..."
"I`m so confused..."
Now, truly ask yourself why is this so confusing? Is it possible that it`s confusing because this person is not really what you consider to be a true friend and yes that hurts? If a friend is the indirect cause of a panic attack, do you truly think this is a healthy person for you to be friends with?
In considering your question, "How do I talk to her?" you have also overlooked your answer to your own question: "So, instead of listening to me..."
Are you following me here? It seems logical that it`s hard to talk to someone who doesn`t listen. Friends listen to one another because they truly care about one another. Go with your gut...if it feels bad in your gut, it usually is and aren`t you truly better off without that kind of friendship?
Consider the following in terms of which would be worse:
1. Your calmly confronting her in regards to why you no longer desire her to be at your wedding.
Or
2. Having a huge embarassing scene or fight at your wedding because she flaunts herself at the wrong friend married or otherwise? This is assuming that all the persons somehow involved in these liasons will be in attendance.
Then consider which of the two is the greater risk or confrontation?
Sometimes the only way we grow in relationships is through ending them. You`ve already offered your help and through no one`s choice but her own, she refused to accept it. In acting out sexually, your friend is abusing herself and taking advantage of you in the process. Protect yourself and your own best interests until this so-called friend gets some professional counseling.
Also, if it bothered you to the point of having an anxiety attack, I see nothing wrong with calmly letting your friends know that your house is not to be used as the local motel 6. In extending the invitation to both of them to stay, I`m sorry, but you also indirectly "left the light on" for them. And you also were aware of this, though you didn`t listen to yourself. In the future, make sure you flip the switch a bit more directly. True friends understand that and wouldn`t think any less of you for your honesty and candidness. I also might have considered phoning his wife just to let her know that he`d had too much to drink and you were concerned about him...maybe she would have wanted to come pick him up. If she was surprised by what she saw when she got there, then you`d still be the honest and concerned friend and not feel like you were lying to her later in keeping a secret.
Good luck, and in the end the only person you have to listen to is yourself. You decide what`s right for you and you have all the answers you need within you.
Posted by Tammy; updated 02/19/04
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Thanks Tammy,
Your advice was excellent! After reading your posting I now realize why I feel so confused... She isn`t going to listen to what I say. I know when I confront her it is going to be a whole big denial arguement, and I know she is going to play the blame game.
I do have one comment... I don`t feel that "I left the light on." I know I put my house on the posting (it really wasn`t, I was staying at a friends house out of town and I don`t know the area at all. So even though I kept insisting on taking him home, I had no idea where to take him or what part of town he lived in). If I knew where he lived I would have taken him home. Sorry about that I should have been more specific.
So I`m starting the end of my relationship with my "friend". We used to spend a lot of time together but I have been telling her "sorry, I can`t I already have plans". She has also been asking if I needed any help with some wedding planning and I told her that my MoH is doing what ever I need.
I also know that my "friend" doesn`t like my MoH. She has made comments over the last couple of months about how she should be the MoH because she is here and my MoH lives 8 hours away. At first I was like, whatever no biggy, I can understand. But then I realized, that she was really serious.
Recently my MoH`s boss just got engaged and asked my MoH to be in her wedding next year. (Her future brother in-law, hooked up with my "friend" for a weekend, back in November. When my "friend" was visiting him, they went out to dinner with my MoH`s boss and was telling her lies about my MoH! "I can`t believe she is that kind of a person..., I think she sleeps around... Yadda, yadda, yadda") Well, when my MoH was having dinner with her boss, they were talking about how her future brother in-law`s girlfriend kind of had the same figure as our "friend" and that`s when her boss was like, "are you guys really "friends" she was saying all this bad stuff about you at dinner. I was kind of shocked," so she told my friend everything she said. I mean come on!
So after hearing this I have made the decision not to talk to her as much. And when the time finally comes (I know it will be tough) I will confront her. I`m just worried. I didn`t grow up with confronting people. I was told to keep it to myself and figure it out. So that`s why I`m having a hard time.
Thanks everybody! I really mean it!
Cristina
Your advice was excellent! After reading your posting I now realize why I feel so confused... She isn`t going to listen to what I say. I know when I confront her it is going to be a whole big denial arguement, and I know she is going to play the blame game.
I do have one comment... I don`t feel that "I left the light on." I know I put my house on the posting (it really wasn`t, I was staying at a friends house out of town and I don`t know the area at all. So even though I kept insisting on taking him home, I had no idea where to take him or what part of town he lived in). If I knew where he lived I would have taken him home. Sorry about that I should have been more specific.
So I`m starting the end of my relationship with my "friend". We used to spend a lot of time together but I have been telling her "sorry, I can`t I already have plans". She has also been asking if I needed any help with some wedding planning and I told her that my MoH is doing what ever I need.
I also know that my "friend" doesn`t like my MoH. She has made comments over the last couple of months about how she should be the MoH because she is here and my MoH lives 8 hours away. At first I was like, whatever no biggy, I can understand. But then I realized, that she was really serious.
Recently my MoH`s boss just got engaged and asked my MoH to be in her wedding next year. (Her future brother in-law, hooked up with my "friend" for a weekend, back in November. When my "friend" was visiting him, they went out to dinner with my MoH`s boss and was telling her lies about my MoH! "I can`t believe she is that kind of a person..., I think she sleeps around... Yadda, yadda, yadda") Well, when my MoH was having dinner with her boss, they were talking about how her future brother in-law`s girlfriend kind of had the same figure as our "friend" and that`s when her boss was like, "are you guys really "friends" she was saying all this bad stuff about you at dinner. I was kind of shocked," so she told my friend everything she said. I mean come on!
So after hearing this I have made the decision not to talk to her as much. And when the time finally comes (I know it will be tough) I will confront her. I`m just worried. I didn`t grow up with confronting people. I was told to keep it to myself and figure it out. So that`s why I`m having a hard time.
Thanks everybody! I really mean it!
Cristina
Posted by Cristina; updated 02/20/04
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I hate confronting people too! But you need to do it soon, your wedding is comming up! Good Luck
Posted by nicole; updated 02/20/04
Reply
Cristina-
You have woman power! You`re stronger and more resilient than you`re giving yourself credit for, and you`ll do just fine when the time comes! Congratulations on the wedding and hope it`s a fantastic event!
Tammy
You have woman power! You`re stronger and more resilient than you`re giving yourself credit for, and you`ll do just fine when the time comes! Congratulations on the wedding and hope it`s a fantastic event!
Tammy
Posted by Tammy; updated 02/20/04
Reply
So for everybody that has been writing wonderful suggestions. Here is an update on the life of Cristina. The friend that was going to get a divorce got back with his wife and things are going very well for them. His birthday was a week ago and so my "friend" decided to send him a birthday card... "He sent me on so I wanted to send him one" (which was Dec.). She knows that he is back with his wife but for some reason it just doesn`t click... She also has a boyfriend at the moment. When my friend and his wife decided to get back together he wrote my "friend" an email "please don`t say anything to my wife about us, she knows I saw you NYC and we spent time together but please don`t just bring it up" she got offended and got mad at me for not sticking up enough for her and telling him that she wouldn`t say anything. In reality I have NO CLUE on how she would really act. Oh yes, he said this because my fiancé and I throw an annual ski trip for our friends and this year they both were invited. So.... With that, my (married) friends call us to tell us that they are now not coming on the trip because of my "friend". So I called my "friend" and confirmed that she was still coming... "Why?" "Well T&E, and J are now not coming because of you" and she tells me that his wife needs to grow up and get over the fact that he hooked up with somebody while they were on break. I told her that`s why people don`t hook up within their groups of friends for this reason.
She says that I`m making her out to be the bad person when it is all of his fault, and I said, no.... It`s both of your fault, you both slept together now and you have to pay the price. She thinks that my (woman getting back with her husband) is very insecure because she doesn`t want to meet my "friend", "should I call her and tell her I`m not interested in her husband? Should I tell her she has nothing to worry about, I have a boyfriend?" ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! That`s just going to make it worse.
I told her, "I don`t want to meet anybody that my fiancé has slept with, if we were on a break, I DON"T WANT TO MEET THE WOMAN HE SPENT INITMATE TIME WITH," well that`s you, and you need to grow up.
So she told me that I should talk to my friends and see if this is going to be a problem for the wedding and if I dis-invite her because of them then that will be the end of our "friendship" so I told her I have a lot to think about and I would call her back about it.
So with that I am going to call my friends and see what`s happening. I think in the end, yes it will be better not to have her come to the wedding at all. I just have to get the guts to finally say it. Which now it will be a little easy now that the can is open... And that makes it much easier for me to talk about my feelings without have to bring it up since other issues are already out there...
She says that I`m making her out to be the bad person when it is all of his fault, and I said, no.... It`s both of your fault, you both slept together now and you have to pay the price. She thinks that my (woman getting back with her husband) is very insecure because she doesn`t want to meet my "friend", "should I call her and tell her I`m not interested in her husband? Should I tell her she has nothing to worry about, I have a boyfriend?" ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! That`s just going to make it worse.
I told her, "I don`t want to meet anybody that my fiancé has slept with, if we were on a break, I DON"T WANT TO MEET THE WOMAN HE SPENT INITMATE TIME WITH," well that`s you, and you need to grow up.
So she told me that I should talk to my friends and see if this is going to be a problem for the wedding and if I dis-invite her because of them then that will be the end of our "friendship" so I told her I have a lot to think about and I would call her back about it.
So with that I am going to call my friends and see what`s happening. I think in the end, yes it will be better not to have her come to the wedding at all. I just have to get the guts to finally say it. Which now it will be a little easy now that the can is open... And that makes it much easier for me to talk about my feelings without have to bring it up since other issues are already out there...
Posted by Cristina; updated 02/21/04
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I am a little confused here. Last time I checked, it took 2 to tango. I`m not excusing her behaviour, but you`re married male friend was the one with the commitment to his wife. He was the one that broke that commitment, not your female friend. She had no obligation to his wife. Perhaps out of decency she would have steered clear, but remember, HE is the one who should have stayed faithfull. It seems to me as though you are placing the blame solely on her. As for her hooking up with several other men, that is her perogative as a single woman. What business of it is yours how many men she has slept with? I didn`t realize a partner count was included as a term of friendship. Having said this though, I would question her behaviour if this is a new twist in her personality. Many women who have been raped (especially if no one believes them) turn promiscious as a way to deal with the pain. They see themselves as sex objects and allow themselves to be treated that way. Perhaps she was raped (maybe by your friend, maybe not). Maybe she wasn`t raped. That decision is not yours to make, but a fact that if it happened, she needs to be ready to confront and deal with. Personally, as a friend, I would be more concerned with the change in her behaviour and want to find out why. Sit down and have a long talk with her. Tell her you are concerned. From what I have read here, you are choosing the sides of your married friends and leaving her out in a corner. Is there a reason for this? Perhaps you never valued her friendship in the first place. Why do you continue to lay the blame for the "relationship" between your two friends on her. And why does it even involve you? He made the choice to cheat on his wife, now he has to live with that. Excluding your female friend because you know he feels uncomfortable is essentially blaming her for what happened. Women have been blamed for many things sexually (she looked good, she talked sexy, she had on a sexy top...) men need to start being held accountable for their actions. If he feels uncomfortable, he has every reason to, but choosing him over her is wrong. And as for what she said your MOH said, maybe she did, maybe she didn`t. I know that if most people had said something so hurtful and then were comfronted about it that they would deny it. It seems to me like you are wanting to believe the worst of this woman. I don`t know her side. I don`t know the whole story. I`m not trying to piss you off or defend her actions (because I wasn`t there), but mearly trying to get you to see that there are 4 sides to this story: Yours, his, hers and the truth. All I am saying is listen to more than his and yours. If you listen to hers too, perhaps you will find an ounce of the truth. If you don`t, maybe you`ll find what it is you need to help a good friend (what I assume she was since you asked her to be in your wedding party). Remember, friends don`t fall from the sky. They aren`t perfect, but still a precious gift to have. You need to work at any relationship, and just as I`m sure you`ll work at your marriage, you need to take the same commitment and work at your friendships. I`m sorry this had to all come up at such a stressful time in your life, but maybe this came as a test to your readiness to commit. Good luck to you and congrats on your wedding.
Posted by Sarah; updated 02/21/04
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Yes it was his and her fault for him cheating on his wife. She could`ve and should`ve told him no. If he kept trying then she could have threaten him by saying I`m going to scream or something along that line.
What really bothers me about my "friend" is the constant lying to me. What kind of friend is that? Why should I always have to wonder if she is telling me the truth? Why does she talk badly about my MoH?
She is a very sexually active woman (even before the "rape"). I think she is an attention needer. And that`s fine, I tried to give her all the attention in the world, but every where we went she had to be all over some new guy. A person`s sexuallity doesn`t have to be a part of a friendship, but when a person (man/woman) is sleeping within groups of my friends then I think it involves me. So when two sides of my friends get together I`m going to have to worry about her saying something or them saying something... "I totally hooked up with that girl... OMG so did I" or "Oh hey there T, I was just going through some pics and I found some pictures of us in NYC, oh Hi are you his wife?"
I just don`t want drama. And the ski trip is just the beginning of the drama. Already people don`t want to see eachother and I don`t want to worry about that at my wedding. I know this is going to sound really selfish, but it`s my day and I don`t want the attention to be focused on her. I can see her bringing attention to herself.
What really bothers me about my "friend" is the constant lying to me. What kind of friend is that? Why should I always have to wonder if she is telling me the truth? Why does she talk badly about my MoH?
She is a very sexually active woman (even before the "rape"). I think she is an attention needer. And that`s fine, I tried to give her all the attention in the world, but every where we went she had to be all over some new guy. A person`s sexuallity doesn`t have to be a part of a friendship, but when a person (man/woman) is sleeping within groups of my friends then I think it involves me. So when two sides of my friends get together I`m going to have to worry about her saying something or them saying something... "I totally hooked up with that girl... OMG so did I" or "Oh hey there T, I was just going through some pics and I found some pictures of us in NYC, oh Hi are you his wife?"
I just don`t want drama. And the ski trip is just the beginning of the drama. Already people don`t want to see eachother and I don`t want to worry about that at my wedding. I know this is going to sound really selfish, but it`s my day and I don`t want the attention to be focused on her. I can see her bringing attention to herself.
Posted by Cristina; updated 02/21/04
Reply
Cristina, Christina, Christina...
You`re still not listening to yourself. You`ve said again on several other posts that what really still bothers you is that you feel she is continuing to lie to you. Habitual liers have their issues yes, but they`re not your friends! And friends do not continue to create ridiculous drama for other friends nor continue to wreak havoc on other friends` marriages or relationships. If I want, I can find redeeming good qualities about every single person that I know. However, that does not mean that I consider myself to be "friends" with all of those people as some relationships are simply not healthy. So, in lieu of giving you a whole bunch of mumbo jumbo about how, well she still might really be a good person, I`m asking you to get real about the situation and you feel.
This habitually lying friend gave you an ultimatum - i.e. You choose them than you don`t choose me...I`d like to know what were you waiting for? She gave you the prime window of oppurtunity which tells me that she isn`t exactly surprised of the direction this is all heading toward, if not indirectly anticipating it by reading the vibes you`re sending out to her...thus the counterplay to try and make you feel guilty. There`s your opening...now, all you have to do is take it and it will be a choice between the decision that she asked you to make. If she doesn`t like the outcome, well then, afterall she did ask, and she is the reason behind all the drama and confusion.
Come on now, what do you think her true motivation was behind sending him that birthday card after she was well aware that he was back with his wife? Sending the card was intentional on her part and has the following suggestions or undertones -(1) see what you`re missing? (2) hey, whenever you want to have a good time again look me up, (3) hey, aren`t you scared about your wife finding out about me? Come on now. Stop giving her so much credit. That`s one drama queen your life will be much less stressful without. Open that window.
Tammy
You`re still not listening to yourself. You`ve said again on several other posts that what really still bothers you is that you feel she is continuing to lie to you. Habitual liers have their issues yes, but they`re not your friends! And friends do not continue to create ridiculous drama for other friends nor continue to wreak havoc on other friends` marriages or relationships. If I want, I can find redeeming good qualities about every single person that I know. However, that does not mean that I consider myself to be "friends" with all of those people as some relationships are simply not healthy. So, in lieu of giving you a whole bunch of mumbo jumbo about how, well she still might really be a good person, I`m asking you to get real about the situation and you feel.
This habitually lying friend gave you an ultimatum - i.e. You choose them than you don`t choose me...I`d like to know what were you waiting for? She gave you the prime window of oppurtunity which tells me that she isn`t exactly surprised of the direction this is all heading toward, if not indirectly anticipating it by reading the vibes you`re sending out to her...thus the counterplay to try and make you feel guilty. There`s your opening...now, all you have to do is take it and it will be a choice between the decision that she asked you to make. If she doesn`t like the outcome, well then, afterall she did ask, and she is the reason behind all the drama and confusion.
Come on now, what do you think her true motivation was behind sending him that birthday card after she was well aware that he was back with his wife? Sending the card was intentional on her part and has the following suggestions or undertones -(1) see what you`re missing? (2) hey, whenever you want to have a good time again look me up, (3) hey, aren`t you scared about your wife finding out about me? Come on now. Stop giving her so much credit. That`s one drama queen your life will be much less stressful without. Open that window.
Tammy
Posted by Tammy; updated 02/21/04
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