Invite Or Not?
I`m familiar with the rule that says if you invite someone to your shower, you must invite them to your wedding. However, I`ve been having trouble with someone who, up until about a year ago, had been quite a close friend of mine for several years. To the best of my knowledge, I have done nothing to offend her, yet for the past year all contact between us has been initiated by me. This contact has been deliberate on my part, since she was (or so I thought) quite a close friend, and I guess I wasn`t ready to let her go.
While she has not been cold to me when I call her, there have been several clues that she no longer values our friendship (declining an invitation to my surprise birthday party and then still not wishing me a "happy birthday" the next time we spoke, not sending me a Christmas card when she had previously done so without fail,etc.).
Despite these clues, I decided to invite her to my wedding and shower as sort of a "last ditch" attempt to include her in this happy time and salvage a friendship that was quite dear to me. She declined, and I have not heard from her. In the meantime, I learned through my fiance that she recently attended a social event that she and I had traditionally attended together, with a new group of friends. My fiance (whom she knows fairly well) was also in attendance, and she barely acknowledged him, much less offer her congratulations. I feel this was extremely rude.
Under the circumstances, am I still obligated to invite her to the wedding?
Posted by Mary; updated 02/09/04
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I thought you said you already invited her to the wedding and the shower and she declined. So it`s done.
Posted by Linda; updated 02/09/04
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No, the wedding invitations have not gone out yet. However, by inviting her to the shower, I had already made the decision to invite her to the wedding, due to the etiquette rule that says anyone who receives a shower invitation must receive a wedding invitation. But that was before her rude behavior when she saw my fiance. Sorry if I was unclear.
Posted by Mary; updated 02/09/04
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Technically if you invited her to the shower you are obligated to invite her to the wedding. I`d send one just for that reason. She`ll most likely decline that too. You will have done your part and you can feel good about that.
Of course the "rule" was made so that people weren`t snubbed by being invited to a gift giving event, showing up with a gift, and then having their feelings hurt by being good enough to bring a shower gift and not good enough to celebrate at the wedding. In this case, she declined the shower invitation (and I assume didn`t send a gift) and I have a feeling that her feelings will not get hurt or that she will even care that she`s not invited to the wedding.
So. I think it`s up to you. Personally, I would just take the high road and send the invitation. Call it social etiqette, call it a last ditch effort, whatever. Again, You will have done your part and you can feel good about that and be finished with it.
Posted by Linda; updated 02/09/04
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Better yet - before making any decisions, why don`t you just call her and ASK her what`s going on?
Posted by Linda; updated 02/09/04
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Absolutely not. She declined your birthday party, she didn`t go with you to your annual event, and she declined your shower. Save the stamp for someone who loves you and wants to be there for you. Perhaps there is something wrong that you don`t know about. If it means enough to you, I would suggest writing her a letter, state all the things that have hurt you, and if she replies, great, if she doesn`t, then let it go. It makes no sense to stress yourself out over a friend who apparently doesn`t want to reciprocate the friendship, at a time like this when there are so many other things you can find to stress yourself out with!! Good luck.
Posted by Krystyn; updated 02/09/04
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Thanks, Linda - "taking the high road" was what I was thinking, too. The only thing that troubles me about that route is her rudeness to my fiance. I am offended for him, and I think sending her an invite would feel a little bit like condoning her behavior.
As far as calling her to ask what`s wrong, I think what`s stopping me is, quite frankly, not wanting to give her the satisfaction of letting her think she`s getting to me. If anyone had offended me that greatly (and apparently l have offended her), I`d tell them, not play guessing games. I really have done my best to be a good friend to her, but I have done far more than my share of initiating contact with her over the past year. I really don`t feel I should have to "take the bait" now.
Thanks for your advice - I *really* appreciate it.
Posted by Mary; updated 02/09/04
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Thanks, Krystyn - you`re absolutely right as well! There are so many people who have truly overwhelmed me with their kindness and good wishes since we became engaged - those are the people I want to share my day with. I have asked myself if this is truly a "friendship" worth saving. Thanks again.
Posted by Mary; updated 02/09/04
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Try making Arrangements with her to get together & go out for Lunch & talk things over.
Posted by Tami; updated 02/09/04
