HELP!need Advice On Mean Family!
Ok, Please, if I sound mad,I am.My fiancee and I have a 4 year old son. My parents are dead.We share a home with my fiancee`s parents.We are planning a semi-formal small wedding.We are paying for it.No problem.My aunt who im pretty close to is my M.O.H.. 1st. Problem.My soon to be mom in law,(who wont lift a finger to help me) asked me (all mad about it) why my aunt dont pay anything toward the wedding!This comes from a woman who invited 4 people I dont even know at $30 a plate,but wont even buy a postage stamp!I told her, my aunt is my aunt.She didn`t bring me up,so why should she pay for it?Then she goes on and on about how awful HER husbands` mom wouldn`t pay for nothing and she thought that as the grooms` mom, his mom should of contributed something.So its obvious to me,she thinks the grooms mom should help out.Let me be clear.I dont need her to help out with money,but why should I have to defend my aunt,when she isn`t helping either? Then to top it off, She sees im swamped with work,my son,plans and so on.I have these elaborite invites,She sits on the couch watching me do them,ive been at it over a week! trying to do it 20 minutes here and there.I asked her to help me,she told me she doen`t know how.I said you dont know how to fold paper? she ignored me.She sits down accross from me berating MY extended family (im an only child) for not helping with the preparation or plans! If the dj calls or something she doesn`t bother to take a name or message.Here s the thing.Or other thing, both her and her husband want to show up(theyre part of the wedding party) in 10 year old clothes they have in the closet! I offered to pay for their dress and suit and theyre fighting me,saying why waste the money? please dont tell me they are stuck in their ways, when its for one of her friends , she running around like a chicken with their head cut off! So my wedding coordinator wants to put them in the whole thing as you naturally do with the grooms parents,but to be honest,shes no help,she acts like its no big deal,but yet she wants to invite her friends and show off on our dime.I say no,Why should HER name be on my invitations as the host when she refuses to acknowlage the wedding entirely? My boss says im being mean and I should let her enjoy her sons` marriage.I thought I was by trying to include her and letting her invite 4 people on my tight budget.Am I being unfair? Also, my aunt who is my M>O>H>, when I first told her I was getting married she said how she was gonna trhow a shower and help me decorate and ,oh what fun, Now I cant even get her to buy the dress! Its 45 days away and all i hear is how there is plenty of time! She returns my call 2 weeks later,I guess im not getting a shower,it cant be shes trying to surprise me cuz I work all different hours,i dont even know my schedule.Oh,she has plenty of money so its not that.These people seem to think just because im only having 50 people,that its no big thing! well im having all the things a big wedding has.Sit down dinner,dj,gown and tux.It hurts me so much our limited family is acting like this.my boss says im wrong to trhow my own shower.I dont want presents or money,I want people to come together and acknowledge im gonna be married,a bride and treat me like it.Its my 1st and last wedding for both of us,should i let these people know how much they are hurting me? I want to be able to say oh at my bridal shower, i did this and that.I thought maybe I could throw one and write on the invites no gifts or money,just come and have fun.Is this cheesy? thanks for letting me vent......stacy
Posted by Stacy; updated 02/06/04
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Yikes. Sounds like you have your hands full. My advice? Don`t put anyone else`s name on your invites other than yours and your fiances, especially if no one else is paying. The point of including the parents names on the invites is to show that they hosted. But if they aren`t hosting, there`s no need. And furthermore, if you`re getting such a hard time from them, why make the effort? Unfortunately, it seems as if you are going to have to go it alone when it comes to organizing it and doing things like the invites. Is your fiance helping? Also, do you have any friends, perhaps your boss or other work friends, that could maybe spare a few minutes to help with some stuff? You`d be surprised how many people love weddings and everything that has to do with them. As far as your aunt goes, I definitely think you should talk to her and tell her how your feeling. Make sure she understands how much a shower would mean to you, and if you have to, help her plan it. I know you`re not SUPPOSED to, but whatever. People need to have a hand in making their own dreams come true in any other aspect of their lives, why is the wedding any different? And if worst comes to worst, throw one for yourself, but don`t necessarily title it a bridal shower. Try something like a luncheon with my friends or my girls or something like that. Again, if you want it, make it happen. There`s nothing wrong with that, and if you don`t, you`ll regret it. And you should never regret anything about your wedding.
Posted by Krystyn; updated 02/06/04
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Wow,I was sooo afraid to post my b*** ,because ive read how nasty people can be to brides who are anything less than cheery,but thank you so much.I really was starting to think I was the crazy one.Yes anthony does help when he can,usually he plays with our son after work which is BIG help! lol. I wish I had his way of thinking.He could care less what other people think or do,as long as we are there,which is true but, im more sentimental.I like your lunch idea, that is exactly what im going to do! thank you, i feel a lot better!! Stacy
Posted by Stacy; updated 02/06/04
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There are always people who will try to cause trouble when there is a wedding going on. They will try to make you feel bad, because their lives are messed up. You should ignore them. Be happy regardless of whether they are happy or not. You can throw your own bridal shower if you want! Its not about presents, its about spending time with friends and family. Of course you want support from your family - everyone does. Not everyone gets it, all the time, but you have a right to ask that they be emotionally supportive of you.
Posted by missy; updated 02/16/04
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Make sure to always remember that it is yours and your fiance`s wedding. Do what YOU both want and everyone else will get over it. I know that sounds selfish, but that is the attitude I had to take with my family also and things seemed to calm down once I made my feelings known. My next advice would be to take an all-inclusive trip to a Sandals resort and the wedding is free- you decide the decor and everyhing. Most of all- remember whose wedding it is!
Posted by Deb; updated 02/16/04
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Have you considered simply shocking everyone and eloping? Hold a big party afterward and show them a video of what they missed out on.
Posted by Tammy; updated 02/19/04
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Hi girls! Hey great advice! I laughed my butt off!I can`t elope,I paid out eveything already! The sandels was a good idea,I almost did that.Things are a tiny bit better.Im doing what 1 girl said, im being a little selfish.I have to do EVERTHING all by myself.No help at all from planning,to addressing,to doing hair and getting to the airport for the honeymoon,everyone just wants to show up and eat!But it IS my wedding and Anthony and I are excited.I guess I can look at it like this, At least I don`t have the prolbrem of some younger brides like intrusive family who wants to take over to the point it doesn`t feel like THIER own wedding.It really was bothering me, but you know,with less than 20 days to go,I really dont care! Im going to be happy in spite of all theyre nastiness! thank you so much ladies..its nice to see women helping each other instead of bashing for a change. Stacy
Posted by Stacy; updated 03/01/04
