Wedding On Hold

Andrea if he was not ready to marry you he should not have proposed in the first place. 10 years is a long time and he needs to stop waisting your time. You need a man that loves you enough to marry you not one that will only act like he wants to. I do not know your whole story but that is my opinion. When I really got serious about my life I asked my then boyfriend if he love me just enough to shack up with me for a lifetime or enough to marry me and be fully committed to US. We are now happier than ever with our 3 children. You just have to figure out what it is that you want, what it is that will make you happy. I do not mean for this to sound selfish but if you are unhappy then it will start to affect the relationship that you now have with this man. If you need to talk feel free to email me thevarietystore1@yahoo.com

Andrea,
I think you need to figure out why he`s not ready.
Is it you, or is it the circumstances?
I just got married in Dec, and my husband and I had been going out for over 10 years!!
We had been living together for 7!
A few years ago we had finally saved about $10K and were living in an apt. We decided that we wanted to take that money and buy a house, instead of getting married and then having to stay in our apt for a few more years.
So we bought a house, and got engaged a few years later. We were able to re-save up and have an incredible wedding.
We knew we wanted to get married for years, but we just waited until all of the pieces of the puzzles fit for us.
Do you think thats the case with your fiance?
You should ask him exactly why he`s not ready.
Good luck.
And-- I know its Cliche` but if its meant to be that it will happen. Trust me!

Thanks for the replies. I feel stuck still. I did forget to mention that our house we are living in is a huge renovation. But My stomach aches because family and friends are asking how the wedding plans are going. And I`m the one who`s speaking saying we are just going to wait until the house is complete. I have huge issues I forgot to mention how his 21 year old brother is moving in. I`m not thrilled we don`t need the extra money. I can see that as a relationship problem.

Do you think he wants to wait until the house is re-done? That may be a reason why he wants to wait.
Does he give you a time frame when he does want to get married?

I was in a similar situation and it`s tough. I agree with adrienne in that you really need to find out why he`s not ready and if he ever will be. If he wasn`t ready to get married, why did he propose?

I had to do a lot of self evaluation too because it seemed like my fiance was just making up excuses not to get married (ie. Time to get to know each other more, the house, our finances, his career...). We would talk about it but it always seemed like if it wasn`t one thing, it was another. I was so stressed out and unhappy about it until I made up my mind that if what he wanted from our relationship wasn`t what I wanted, then, as much as I love him, I had to look out for myself and leave him. And I almost did. Fortunately for me, he came to realize that his "excuses" had nothing to do with us getting married.

You and your relationship should be on the top of your fiance`s priority list. He needs to know how unhappy you are about the situation. Dating for 10 years is a long time, and if he`s not sure now, when will he be? But I understand that it`s tricky because you don`t want to pressure him into marrying you.

Putting off the wedding is obviously not a mutual decision. And you shouldn`t have to put your life on hold until he`s ready. I think you also need to make sure he`s not getting too comfortable with the "just living together" situation.

And with the brother thing... I don`t really know the situation, but my first impression of it was kinda like him bringing in reinforcements. That`s probably not the case, but again, that was my initial take. Hey, it`s your house too... You should have a say on whether he moves in or not. If he really needs a place to stay it`s one thing, but if he`s staying for convenience or for extra money, that`s totally different.

If your fiance wants to wait until the house is complete... Well, while it may affect your checkbook and time, that really has nothing to do with the two of you getting married. No one says you have to spend thousands of dollars and have a big fancy wedding. I know people who had a small service and then just took out close friends and family to a local restaurant for dinner. You could always do the big shindig later on... Say after the house is complete.

And like adrienne said again... If it`s meant to be, it will happen. But, not to sound like the antagonist, (and I hope it`s not the case) but if it`s NOT meant to be... Well, you`re still young, don`t waste your life waiting for something that might never come to fruition.

Sorry if I sounded pessimistic. I do wish that things work out for you, but I didn`t want you to just hear the "happy endings" side of things, because it`s not always how it works. Again, hope everything works out.

Hi again,
I am still unsure. I appriciate the advice given by Ellie and Adriene(sorry on the name spelling). Its very difficult to define what I truly want in life. I have so much to offer someone. And sometimes I wonder if (he) really sees that. I am strong focused on school and getting my degree finished. And yet here I am sitting all alone in a old creepy house with my pet dog! Where`s mister, well he`s at a work meeting till 9pm. I don`t have any reason not to trust him. Sometimes I feel real lonely, sad. I long to have children. I have even thought of missing a pill or two. But I know deep down inside thats not the answer, nor will that solve anything.
It`s upsetting to my parents the way the relationship is going. I just came from their house and my step-fathers fuming over the whole thing. I`m afraid it will be a while before he see`s him (fiance) again. My birthday is approaching and I think all my 30 years have past me by. What have I accomplished. Sometimes I find all I want to do is sleep sleep sleep. I feel like I am drowning in sadness. And yet when my boyfriend is around it`s hidden, as if he has no idear.
Some history.... I work early in the morning at 4am-11am at the airport. When I come home all I want to do is sleep. Even watching others on television make me ill and tired. My sadness is finally catching up to me. And yet when he gets home I`ll hide my sadness and act happy. For whom really? Well, for now I thank you all because sometimes its not easy talking to people that already know the sitution. Thanks again all.
Andrea

You should not be having these intense feelings of sadness, you are young and have your whole life in front of you. I am not a psychiatrist but what you are describing could be diagnosed as clinical depression.
There is no shame in that, and there are very good anti-depressants on the market that could help you.
You sound like you need someone to talk to, ask your fiancee if he would consider going to couples counseling, if you don`t want to confide in him go by yourself. But I think that also is saying something(If you have to hide your feelings from him). He is suppose to be your best friend and confidant, maybe talking this all out with a counselor would help you! I hope you get the help you need so you can live the life you DESERVE! Good Luck, sweety!

Wow... When I read your message, I totally felt like I was reading about myself. I completely understand how you feel.

But RecentBride is right... Andrea, you really shouldn`t be having these feelings of INTENSE sadness and maybe it`s worth going to talk to a professional about it -- you could even mention it to your doctor to see if it might be clinical depression. There`s nothing wrong with that and you shouldn`t be ashamed of it. You don`t have to go through this alone.

But you really need to talk to your fiance about this too. You shouldn`t have to hide your feelings from him and pretend that everything is ok when it`s not. It just makes matters worse because you end up feeling sadder & more frustrated with the situation and he has no idea so life is same as usual... If he loves you, he wants you to be happy. But he needs to know that you`re miserable right now.

And about being 30 and feeling like life has passed you by... Don`t. It`s not worth doing that to yourself. You`re young and surrounded by people who love you; you`ve got a job and will soon have a degree. And I bet there`s a whole lot more going for you than you realize. We always tend to be our own worst critic.

Believe me, I know how you feel. I`ve always loved children and always wanted a big family. Since I was young, I thought that by the time I was 30, I`d have 3 or 4 kids of my own. I`m going on 29, not yet married, and no kids. But you know, life hasn`t been that bad, and it`s definitely not the end of the world.

Sometimes there`s a lot of pressure on us women, especially with our "biological clock ticking". For the past couple of years, my family (immediate and extended) would always ask when I was going to get married and have kids. My heart would long for that day. But just having them say that to me, wasn`t helping me... It just made me feel worse because I didn`t see my life "going as I had planned". I mean, I`m not blaming them, they didn`t know any better... It`s just that`s how things are sometimes -- people expect you to follow this pattern (at a certain age you should have done this and that... Because you know, you`re not getting any younger). Well, you have to do what`s best for you... The world is different now than it was 10, 20, 50 years ago.

You seem like you have a good relationship with your parents -- talk to them and tell them EXACTLY how you feel. (I`m not saying that they`re pressuring you - that`s just how I felt in a similar situation.) They`re there for you... Whether or not you get married to your fiance. And if you have some qualms about opening up to your fiance (which you REALLY should do), maybe your parents can help. The state of your relationship is affecting you, and your parents because they love you so much. They want the best for you, and you should want the best for yourself. Maybe you should sit down and take some time and figure out what that is. Just because you`ve been going out with someone for 10 years, doesn`t automatically mean that he`s the one for you.

I really do hope that things work out for you.

Thank you Ellie for your comments, and everyone else that commented! Iife is so short, I am going to start off by trying to be more positive about the situation. I have to be. If its truly meant to be it is. I know this isn`t a chat room about disappointments but more about happy times yet to come. So I leave this website for now and hope whatever happens, happens. What I truly need is a long vacation!!!!!! Well I`m not sure what else to say.....I know when I think of the future it seems unsure, but sometimes isn`t everything? Well tonight I am making cod fish with salad and beer for my fiance` and me. Hope it turns out good! Take care!!!
Andrea from ct.

Yes very important to figure out why he isn`t ready....you have been together for a long time...and if he is going to be ready, he should have been by now. Good luck

Hi, I know you have gotten a lot of opinions already, but thought I`d offer another. I am in the exact situation. I have been dating my fiance for a little over 4 years. I have just moved in with him since December (mainly just for a job purpose-even though I still haven`t found one!) Recently, he has been saying that he wants to push the wedding back, but I have just ignored him because I had everything booked, planned, etc. Last weekend, he just pushed the right buttons and I cancelled EVERYTHING. Now, I am in a huge bind. My parents want me to move home and find a job...because they don`t think he is ready either and they don`t want me to sell myself short. My fiance has agreed to do pre-marital counseling with me (I think that will really help him) and hopefully he will come around. The day after I cancelled everything, he came home from work and said he thought about it all day, and pushing the wedding back 1 year would be too long. I don`t understand how he can change his mind in one day....so I am still not sure what his reasoning is for not wanting to do it.
There was a Dear Abby article in yesterday`s paper that was about this topic. The girl said her fiance was in no hurry to get married, and she saw herself 5 years down the road in the same situation, so she decided to leave him. She said now she has a new boyfriend and feels that was the best thing she has ever done, even though it was the hardest. This really made me think too, and now that we have cancelled the date, at least I don`t have any pressure in my decisions....but I am hopefully going to learn a lot from the counseling. I know my fiance loves me, and I know he has always had some trouble with commitment, but I don`t think I know exactly why...and that is what I am hoping to find out. Good luck to you-I know it is such a hard position to be in!

Andrea, I feel for you so deeply..You sound so sad, and I know what you want to hear,,,,and I know it is hard...but being on the outside of this and also being in a similar situation at one point in my life. My fiance and i have also been together for 10 years and we are to marry here on valentines day.

If i was in your position, I would leave. Give him some time to sort things out. Step out of the situation and let him miss you. Maybe you are clouding his judgement always being at home and being there with him. Maybe he needs time to sort out what he really wants in life...and you should do the same thing....ask yourself...what do I really want out of my life? Can you see yourself with this man 10 more years down the road,and you my dear shouldn`t sit around waiting for him. You sound soooo sad with the way things are going.

I am thirty one here...and I am also wondering if you aren`t going through a period in your life where you can`t believe that you are 30, and at an earlier time maybe you seen yourself somewhere else at the age fo 30. 30 isn`t old, and you have 15-20 years of childbearing years ahead of you yet, so don`t panick. Maybe you are wasting your time with this guy, and should think about stepping out of the situation for awhile and see where that takes you. It will be scary, but at least you won`t have to waste any more of your valuable time ....wondering.....Just an opinion....hope it helps.