Another Friend Crisis
I could really use people`s opinions on this one. I have a friend, we go back to the beginning of our college days. We were really close during school and hung out all the time. I considered her one of my best friends. After college we still kept in touch a lot; we were close. In college, my friend and i hung out with the same group of people. Turns out she cheated on her long term boyfriend with a mutual friend of ours, John. I kept it a secret for her and my main advice for her was to break up with her boyfriend, as i felt that she didnt truly love him. This situation went on for a while (her seeing John on the side). I never judged her, but always suggested that she either stop cheating, or break up with her boyfriend. She ended up breaking things off with John after 2 years. Well, turns out that I ended up dating John`s best friend, and now we are getting married.
I asked my friend to be in my wedding party, and almost asked her to be my maid of honor. I was shocked when she said `No.` Her reason was because John is one of the groomsmen, and her boyfriend now knows about her affair with John. I was very distraught that she would say no to being in my wedding party because of an old affair. It turned into an argument and she ended up blaming me for her not "waking her up" and stopping her from cheating. We are no longer on speaking terms because of this. I could use an outside perspective on this.... Thanks!
Posted by sue; updated 01/13/04
Reply
I understand your bewilderment and disappointment. My advice is this...
Your friend is probably dealing with some really strong feelings of guilt over her past behavior. When this happens, alot of times people find ways to blame others. She doesn`t really blame you...she is just projecting her guilt onto you. This is where being a true friend becomes one of the hardest things you will have to do. If you don`t want to let go of such a longstanding friendship, just accept her reasons for declining and put it all behind you. Maybe you could call her up, tell her that you accept her reasons (even though you really don`t understand them) and you don`t want it to come between you. Then, ask someone else that will cherish your invitation to be in your wedding party. I wish you luck, a joyous wedding day, and the continuation of your friendship.
Posted by Stephanie Fudge; updated 01/13/04
