Fiance Wants Space And Is Now Dating
My fiance and I have been dating 11 years and engaged 2 years.She was 14 when we started dating and i was 17.I do admit over the course of the relationship I was over protective jealous and insecure.She is a very pretty girl and I would never let her out and complain about what she was wearing and got mad at her when guys looked at her(even though it wasn`t her fault).She has told me she has been thinking of leaving for 2 years and every time we had fights I would say how I would change and things would be better.I would change for a week and then back to normal.She tells me now that she loves me but isnt in love with me.we broke up about 3 weeks ago and since then in the first week we slept together 3 times and she was still wearing my ring, and every time i asked her if she wanted me to move my things out she said no( I am staying with my parents for now), and would cry and get upset. Last week she took off the ring and went out on a date. We spoke about it and she has told me she resents me for "taking her youth". She feels like she is "missing out" on something.I have told her once again I will change and have an appointment set to see a councelor for Jan 6th, to try to see if i can overcome my ways and to see if the relationship can work. I have told her several times over the past 3 weeks "if she wants me to give up hope and stop calling or trying ..tell me and I will leave you alone"...she says thats not what she totaly wants.
Origanlly before she went on the date(which she later tried to downplay) we were supposed to go to this meeting together. I told her the only way i wanted her to go is if she wanted to try to work it out...otherwise in my mind if she doesnt want to work it out, then she doesnt need to be there and i do try to get myself better.
I really lover her with all of my heart and know i didnt treat her right and would do whatever i need to to try to make what ive done right, but i also know i will not go back with her if she is out there and being intimate with other people(which i dont know if she was yet).
I left the ball in her court and wrote her an email saying....the meeting is jan 6th........i will be there.....if you walk through those doors it means you want to work this out, and that can mean us living seperate and going to councelling and you can still hang with your friends and i wont say a word..but no dating others......if you want to date others and hang out al night that is fine but she must know it will be 100% over and final forever..........so thats where im at....does anyone have any advice for me........all i can think about is her...11 years is such a long time and we have been through so many things....is it possible that she is really ready to have it over for good and forget so quickly?
Origanlly before she went on the date(which she later tried to downplay) we were supposed to go to this meeting together. I told her the only way i wanted her to go is if she wanted to try to work it out...otherwise in my mind if she doesnt want to work it out, then she doesnt need to be there and i do try to get myself better.
I really lover her with all of my heart and know i didnt treat her right and would do whatever i need to to try to make what ive done right, but i also know i will not go back with her if she is out there and being intimate with other people(which i dont know if she was yet).
I left the ball in her court and wrote her an email saying....the meeting is jan 6th........i will be there.....if you walk through those doors it means you want to work this out, and that can mean us living seperate and going to councelling and you can still hang with your friends and i wont say a word..but no dating others......if you want to date others and hang out al night that is fine but she must know it will be 100% over and final forever..........so thats where im at....does anyone have any advice for me........all i can think about is her...11 years is such a long time and we have been through so many things....is it possible that she is really ready to have it over for good and forget so quickly?
Posted by chris; updated 01/11/04
Reply
All I have to say is that it takes a lot of balls for a man to admit he`s wrong AND go to counseling by himself.
I hate to use that old cliche but if you set something free and it comes back to you....... But it`s very true.
Good Luck Chris. I think/hope that everyone that has posted a reply to you secretly hopes that Christina will come back in time, even if they think you are a controlling jerk. But believe me when I say, that if she doesn`t go out and "see what`s out there", she`ll always wonder and resent you for it.
I hate to use that old cliche but if you set something free and it comes back to you....... But it`s very true.
Good Luck Chris. I think/hope that everyone that has posted a reply to you secretly hopes that Christina will come back in time, even if they think you are a controlling jerk. But believe me when I say, that if she doesn`t go out and "see what`s out there", she`ll always wonder and resent you for it.
Posted by Traci S; updated 01/11/04
Reply
Thanks Traci,
That`s very nice of you and I also hope and pray she comes back....
Just a brief update
Her bithday was Friday Jan 9th,,and 2 weeks ago I offered to tkae her out to dinner
She called me the day b4 her bithday and sounded very sad..I asked what was wrong and she said she missed me...she also said she wants to be with me for her birthday(even though she had several offers).
I took her to our fav Italian restaraunt we used to go to and we had a great dinner and drinks....we also stopped at a bar to do a shot for her Bday..we did a few shots and started kissing and huging....she asked me if we went home together tonight would I be ok..not knowing where we were going......i said yes(even though I wasnt sure)...we went home and had one of the best times sexualy we have had........the next morning I made us breakfast and went back to stay at my dads...I don`t know where all of this is going..I am still not calling her to respect her space, but she is calling me and has said several times what a great time she had hanging out withme
I don`t know if she asks again what i should do?
If I say no..maybe she will go hang out with soe other guy.
If I say yes and we continue to have a great time maybe I should keep it as that...I just don`t know.
Any helpful suggestions?
That`s very nice of you and I also hope and pray she comes back....
Just a brief update
Her bithday was Friday Jan 9th,,and 2 weeks ago I offered to tkae her out to dinner
She called me the day b4 her bithday and sounded very sad..I asked what was wrong and she said she missed me...she also said she wants to be with me for her birthday(even though she had several offers).
I took her to our fav Italian restaraunt we used to go to and we had a great dinner and drinks....we also stopped at a bar to do a shot for her Bday..we did a few shots and started kissing and huging....she asked me if we went home together tonight would I be ok..not knowing where we were going......i said yes(even though I wasnt sure)...we went home and had one of the best times sexualy we have had........the next morning I made us breakfast and went back to stay at my dads...I don`t know where all of this is going..I am still not calling her to respect her space, but she is calling me and has said several times what a great time she had hanging out withme
I don`t know if she asks again what i should do?
If I say no..maybe she will go hang out with soe other guy.
If I say yes and we continue to have a great time maybe I should keep it as that...I just don`t know.
Any helpful suggestions?
Posted by chris; updated 01/11/04
Reply
Ok ladies- What is your opinion?
Here`s mine: Don`t call her unless she calls you first. If she wants to go out again, by all means- take the lady out. Don`t push her for anything. I know you probably are dying to make love with her, but that just clouds both your heads. Maybe next time you should tell her that you want her for more than sex, and either go home with her and just hold her tight, or go on home. I could be wrong, and I`m sure other`s are going to have another opinion....... But if she wants to spend time with you, that`s a good sign, just don`t cloud the issue with being horny (excuse my french), it`s just very easy to go back for good sex with an old lover!
How is your counseling going? Please keep us informed!
Here`s mine: Don`t call her unless she calls you first. If she wants to go out again, by all means- take the lady out. Don`t push her for anything. I know you probably are dying to make love with her, but that just clouds both your heads. Maybe next time you should tell her that you want her for more than sex, and either go home with her and just hold her tight, or go on home. I could be wrong, and I`m sure other`s are going to have another opinion....... But if she wants to spend time with you, that`s a good sign, just don`t cloud the issue with being horny (excuse my french), it`s just very easy to go back for good sex with an old lover!
How is your counseling going? Please keep us informed!
Posted by Traci S; updated 01/11/04
Reply
Oh for cryin` out loud. Did we really need to know all that? Man, I tried not to look but I couldn`t help myself... Like a bad train wreck or rubber necking on the highway. You both sound like immature little brats. Why don`t you go to your counseling and discuss your personal issues there? Do you really think a wedding planning board is the place to air your dirty laundry and details of your sex nights? Grow up!
Posted by enough already; updated 01/11/04
Reply
Pardon me if this is rude, but a username of "enough already" suggests a rather hostile presence. In fact, I may even agree with that sentiment at times. But to show up publicly everywhere w/ that sign-off? A turn-off for readers of your posts ...
Bon
Bon
Posted by Bonnie; updated 01/11/04
Reply
Chris - I was rooting for you, but after reading that? She sounds like a selfish cow. You`re being played and I think it`s time to move on....
Posted by Heather; updated 01/12/04
Reply
I completely agree with "enough already"!!!
ENOUGH, ALREADY!
ENOUGH, ALREADY!
Posted by Pamela; updated 01/12/04
Reply
I agree with enough already (although wouldn`t express it in quite such a hostile way). I think she is playing you and you BOTH need to grow up before you even think of marriage. Try reading the book "Codependent No More" and see where you go from there.
Posted by In agreement; updated 01/12/04
Reply
This is text book- you guys met so young, both of you will live your lives and look back with some regrets.
I guarantee you this- EONS of counseling will not give you the emotional maturity and growth you WILL NOT GET together. Maybe a break is what you need. But the fights you have now will strangely remain the same while the fights you have with newer, more mature, outside relationships will seem more rational. You will push each others buttons and have an argument when you`re 30 that started when you were 17? you have YEARS still to get married. And if you do it now, at some point you will both grow to resent.
And, from what you said in your letter, it does sound like you stole her youth. You were possessive, constrictive, and not loving. Holding someone away from the world isn`t love, its selfish, low-self esteem behavior that will only make her regret staying with you.
Let her go, you can both grow, and learn from this.
Read this again:
"My fiance and I have been dating 11 years and engaged 2 years.She was 14 when we started dating and i was 17.I do admit over the course of the relationship I was over protective jealous and insecure.She is a very pretty girl and I would never let her out and complain about what she was wearing and got mad at her when guys looked at her(even though it wasn`t her fault).She has told me she has been thinking of leaving for 2 years and every time we had fights I would say how I would change and things would be better."
Does it not sound like any day in Dear Abby???
I guarantee you this- EONS of counseling will not give you the emotional maturity and growth you WILL NOT GET together. Maybe a break is what you need. But the fights you have now will strangely remain the same while the fights you have with newer, more mature, outside relationships will seem more rational. You will push each others buttons and have an argument when you`re 30 that started when you were 17? you have YEARS still to get married. And if you do it now, at some point you will both grow to resent.
And, from what you said in your letter, it does sound like you stole her youth. You were possessive, constrictive, and not loving. Holding someone away from the world isn`t love, its selfish, low-self esteem behavior that will only make her regret staying with you.
Let her go, you can both grow, and learn from this.
Read this again:
"My fiance and I have been dating 11 years and engaged 2 years.She was 14 when we started dating and i was 17.I do admit over the course of the relationship I was over protective jealous and insecure.She is a very pretty girl and I would never let her out and complain about what she was wearing and got mad at her when guys looked at her(even though it wasn`t her fault).She has told me she has been thinking of leaving for 2 years and every time we had fights I would say how I would change and things would be better."
Does it not sound like any day in Dear Abby???
Posted by Face the Music; updated 01/12/04
Reply
Hi Chris,
It seems to me that the whole situation is just out of control. I don`t think that your fiance or whatever you want to call her, knows exactly what SHE wants. I think that a few counseling sessions for her may not be so bad. Unfortunately, when couples start dating at an early age, the thought of being with someone else as you grow older tends to happen. You want to explore other things and see what else is out there, but in saying that.... If an individual is really IN LOVE with you, then they would feel that you are the only one for them and would not be searching for something or someone else. I would probably resolve myself to the fact that the relationship is pretty much over. Try to move on (easier said than done), as she obviously already has!
Good luck to you. I hope you both find what you are looking for.
It seems to me that the whole situation is just out of control. I don`t think that your fiance or whatever you want to call her, knows exactly what SHE wants. I think that a few counseling sessions for her may not be so bad. Unfortunately, when couples start dating at an early age, the thought of being with someone else as you grow older tends to happen. You want to explore other things and see what else is out there, but in saying that.... If an individual is really IN LOVE with you, then they would feel that you are the only one for them and would not be searching for something or someone else. I would probably resolve myself to the fact that the relationship is pretty much over. Try to move on (easier said than done), as she obviously already has!
Good luck to you. I hope you both find what you are looking for.
Posted by Shannon; updated 01/18/04
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