My Brother And Sister Are NOT INVITED

Sorry Sylvia - but I noticed your post on another message...and you should really take your own advice.
"Shame on you........for even thinking of this.....I really hope you come up with another plan........"

Really - shame on you.

WHATEVER Pamela.....i think the situation is different.....

Sylvia, why do you bother asking what anyone thinks if you only want to hear what YOU want to hear. If you only want to hear from people that agree with you, then don`t post in a public board asking if you did the right thing.

By the way, I certainly would have invited them. Your wedding is still a month away, plenty of time to send them an invitation if you change your mind.

Well my point ladies....is that.....as much as I do feel guilty about NOT inviting them....I have a good reason. It is our special wedding day and we have 150 attending....and if they do come there will be definately CONFLICT. And it will be noticed by other guests. To avoid an embarrassing situation, that I Know my sister will initiate...I have chosen to NOT to invite them, and I posted this only to see if anyone else has been in a similar situation, and could offer me some comfort. If you have nothing supportive to offer....please do not post on my message.

Sylvia, seems like you have already made up your mind! -and that is fine because it is your day. But seriously, if you are close to your bro and sis than you might not be anymore after your wedding! I think that if you have a good relationship with them then you should invite them and say screw it. Cant your family just not talk to each other or be somewhat friendly for just a few hours of the biggest day of you life? Maybe you need to just sit them all down and tell them how you feel, not avoid them. Otherwise, like I said, it seems you have already made up your mind, so go ahead and DONT INVITE THEM! Your choice, just think of how it will affect you years down the road.

BTW I dont think you should complain about people posting rude comments- I saw your infamous post (listed above) and that was just straight out RUDE!

Do unto other as you want done unto you! Have a good day!

I can`t stand when people post stuff like this. First you want to know if anyone thinks you`re a miserable old bat. When someone answers the question you say you really wanted only comforting and supportive answers. We`re supposed to know this? We`re not mind readers. Say what you mean or don`t post it.

SYLVIA - easy to dish out advice, not so easy to take. Quit being a hipocrite and get off this board ....

It is quiet different to give advice than to receive it. Its also different when you are the one in the situation, because you know everything that is involved with the situation, as opposed to giving advice, because you only know bits and pieces.

Sylvia, here is what I would do if I were in your place. I would have a long talk with my brother and sister. I would explain to them how much i love them and care for the, and how much they mean to me. I would also explain to them that this is a very special day for me, and i don`t want anything bad to happen.

Now together, all three of you can come up with possible situations that would cause tension and conflict at the wedding. For example, every time your sister and mom talk, they get into a fight. Well, have your sister adn mom agree NOT to talk to each other that night. You said you have 150 people invited. That would give each of them 148 other people to talk to.

Have a family meeting as soon as possible with your parents and siblings. Tell them "that you don`t want a wedding gift. All you want from them as your gift is that they get do not cause any disruption during your wedding and if they truely loved you, they would do it. If any of them felt that they could not control themselves, than they should decide not to come."

The truth is, no matter what problems you family is going through, your siblings are very important. Siblings are the longest relationships you will have in your life. If you feel that this is absoloutly necessary then do what you will. I think they will be deeply hurt. These are people you will be growing old with. If you have children with your FH, this will be their aunt and uncle. What do your parents think about you not enviting them? Sometimes you just have to take one for the team....

My response is somewhat different from everyone else here ...

Let me begin by disagreeing, respectfully, w/ Gina`s post. While I honestly hope that all of you enjoy a lifelong, happy relationship w/ your siblings, that`s not the case for everyone.

Walter & I married in 1998; I was 43 & he was 50. First marriage for us both. But by that time, Walter & I had entirely cut one of my 2 brothers out of our lives, & within several years we had to do the same w/ my other brother. My 2 brothers were 51 & 56 when we had our wedding.

The one we were estranged from ~ along w/ his family ~ was emphatically *not* invited to our wedding. The other brother & his family were invited; but only my brother & his son came, & stayed a short time only.

Did it hurt my mom that we refused to even consider inviting her son? Probably. But the estrangement, when we made it, was a complete & lifelong one. The quick story? That brother fits the clinical definitions of both a psychopath & a sociopath. Between my father`s death in `94, & our creation of a non-profit partnership in `96 (to create & perform customized weddings, ironically), my brother made our lives hell. For example, he was forever making mischief between my mom (who lives w/ us) & me, resulting in household feuds here.

The last straw came over the Xmas-NewYear`s holidays in `96-97. My mother tricked me into a long phone conversation w/ him, during which he made me promise to call him back the coming weekend w/ my final response to some demands he had made. Reluctantly, I agreed. When I phoned, my SIL said he was too busy to talk w/ me, since they were leaving on a month`s vacation on Monday.

Well, he had taken up lots of my time on my only 2 weeks off before starting to teach a spring semester. And w/ a new business, Walter & I could have used that time in far more productive ways.

The point: sometimes you must break off a relationship. It`s not about not being able to forgive. It`s not even, finally, about letting go of anger. It`s about not being able to trust that person any more. It`s about self-protection, knowing that the person will simply repeat the same behavior. For a rift such as this to end, the offending party would need to prove ~ over protracted time ~ that s/he had changed. To trust such a person again, without some proof of change, is self-destructive.

Were our wedding in 2004 instead of 1998, we would not invite either of these brothers. No guilt over it. And it`s not always indicative of nastiness. Family conflicts can be much more intricately involved, than they appear to outsiders.

I`m glad you wrote that, Bonnie. I too have a sibling that creates a lot of mischeif within the family. And just like your brother she`s always too busy to return my calls and yet somehow always expects me to have time for her when she needs it. Gee she must be a psychopath!!! Or a sociopath!!! Or both maybe?? LOL!!! But come hell or high water she`ll be invited to my wedding. We love her and there is nothing in the world she could ever do that would prevent me from sending her an invitation to my wedding.

Hi, rolling eyes ...

Guess I never stopped loving my brothers in a way. But I just can`t interact w/ them any longer. My life has become less crazy since.

Sorry to hear about your sister. Isn`t it amazing what havoc such folks can cause? Honestly, just when you think to yourself, Well, nothing can top *that* ... They somehow manage!

I admire your continued acceptance of your sister. But, someday you may reach a point at which the antics are no longer acceptable. If it ever comes to that, please remember that you owe a responsibility to yourself & perhaps others as well. To use a crude metaphor for my experience w/ my brother: if when you bend over, someone kicks you, you might take it as a joke. If it happens again, it`s less funny. At some point (the 3rd, the 8th, the 9th time?) when it happens again, you`d be foolish to ever again bend over in the presence of that person.

Thanks for such a kind response. And I sincerely wish you better experiences w/ your sister.

Regards,
Bonnie

Bonnie, please don`t be sorry to hear about my sister. I was being SARCASTIC!!!!!!!!!!! Duh.....

Does anyone think I`m a miserable old bat of a sister?
Yes, I do.

"rolling eyes" ... I wasn`t expecting a sardonic response to an honest post.

Yes (or "duh!" in your language) how stupidly naive of me to generally expect posters *not* to be mean; & thus I sometimes don`t read closely enough to search for sarcasm / underlying a story entirely invented / for the very purpose of poking fun at someone, in this case at me. You see, I don`t expect others to make up tales to begin with, & especially not for the sole reason of posting them in order to dishonor other posters. How odd of me!

Guess your username ought to have alerted me; but, again, I do have a life apart from this & other Boards. Unfortunately, I read your original message as a break while in the middle of creating a wedding ceremony for a couple struggling w/ how best to incorporate, blend, & honor elements from 2 different religions. But why should you care about these other couples getting married? "Duh!" in your word/s. After all, who cares about any of these anonymous others, right?!

But thank you for alerting me to be more careful in reading posts: from now on ~ because of you alone ~ I`ll be much more alert for this sort of dishonesty & basic instinct for cruelty at the expense of others, of which you actually boast. Good work, & hope you`re proud of it!

BTY, you sound like my brother, who would probably enjoy you! Some day you`ll perhaps walk into his deli in NJ. Unless you`re very young & drop-dead gorgeous, he`s likely to put a bag over your head & bark at you, thus calling you the "dog" he thinks you. That`s the sort of thing he does.

Having bankrupted my father`s business, causing 2 other businesses to fail in consequence, he then spent a year in jail for white-collar crime. Of course, being who he is, he`s now a millionaire, having put all stolen monies in his wife`s name before being imprisoned. Admirable, huh?

With apologies for having taken you in the least bit seriously,
Bonnie

To everyone here, including "rolling eyes" --

I forgot to mention my bad brother`s (& his family`s) favorite *comic* story:

In his deli (financed w/ stolen money) an elderly woman made the mistake of repeatedly asking my brother`s help in opening the stucked-closed glass lid to a case holding rolls. My brother was busy at the grill behind the counter, & told her so. She persisted. So he grabbed the cleaver, asking "You really want these rolls?" & shattered this glass lid. Other customers scattered, & the woman was in tears.

Yet it didn`t hurt his business ... Since most people, esp women, just love my brother, despite such episodes. They don`t realize that he`s *serious* in his hatred of "old people" (despite his own aging), gays, & all non-whites.

To "rolling eyes" -->

Just write me off yet again so easily & sarcastically as an evil sister! What fun to make others feel a fool, hmm?!

Bonnie

Bonnie, you need help. And no, I didn`t read your entire book. After the first few sentences my eyes started rolling again.

I think you should have had a one on one talk with each sibling and get their word and committment that neither will ruin your day, if they are invited. Maybe they can be grown up and make behavioural exceptions for your special day? You never know, they might actually act mature for 1 day but you exluding them will probably add even more tension in the family. You just added fuel to the fire.

Thankyou everyone for responding, and i do see that some people are going through the same thing. I know it is hard for some people to understand, unless they have been in certian cercumstances......My sister has proven that she is a liar, and she is one of those people that has to have something wrong with her at all times for attention. She has gone so far as to say she has terminal illnesses, and both my mom and I, as well as the rest of the family has stood by her too many times, and then find out that it is all bullcrap. I feel awful about not having her come, because she is my sister, but I am terrified that she will say or do something. I thank you to the ones that are understanding, and appreciate your posts.

Great everyone! There is the right thing to do. Blow of your family if you dislike them. That solves that!

Also rolling eyes...

Sylvia, is there room for you to reconsider and take my advice and talk to your brother and sister before you invite them? We were worried about my aunt being a drunk obnoxious b***** at the reception, my dad had a firm talk with her saying her shananigans will not be welcome and as soon as she makes a butt out of herself, she will be asked to leave. She was actually very well behaved and impressed everyone.

Her and my sister had a huge fallout too a few months before. SShe was drunk one night and said some very offensive things to my sister. She was lucky she got an invite but my sis knew it would be wrong to exlude her and cause even more uproar.

So, take this moment to reconsider and speak to them one on one to see if they are willing to put their differences behind them for your special day. If they cannot commit to it, I would then feel ok about excluding them.

I have never seen adults act so childish in my life. People getting married are supposed to be supportive of eachother. Isn`t that the purpose of these message boards. I frequent other message boards and you brides are by far the meanest unsupportive and vindictive people I have ever seen. If you handle your relationships like you handle eachother than I cannot imagine you having happy long marriages. Unless of course your husbands only say what you want to here. Happy to say this is my last time on this board.