Fiance Wants Space And Is Now Dating

Hi Chris,
I am sorry to hear about what your going through. That is why I do not believe in dating until much older and only for the intention of marriage and with certain restrictions. It helps to cut down on alot of confusion.

I think that you have explained your situation to her very well. If she wants to be with you, than she will come to the meeting. If she doesnt want to be with you, she wont come. She might also be feeling sorry for you, and doesnt want to hurt your feelings thats why she keeps coming back.

If she doesnt come to the meeting forget it. Go to your counseling and try to become a better person. If she comes still go to your counseling. But maybe you guys should agree to stay away from each other for a while. 11 years is along time to be with someone, but don`t feel you have to continue with someone for the rest of your life because of the years you have spent already...

Admittedly you had been very controlling of her over the years. She says she resents you for taking her youth. This girl obviously has regrets about not being able to have a chance to be independent with relationships and decisions and having the kind of youth that most people have.

She is confused and resentful and now here you are once again being controlling and giving her ultimatums. You are not helping matters, you`re just making them worse. And you are being totally passive agressive by asking her if she wants you to go away and leave her alone, knowing full well that she is confused and not ready to know what she wants. If you really loved her you`d stop pushing her into corners and forcing her to make these decisions and to be at counseling or end the relationship. Instead you would just BACK OFF and give her some time to breathe and think and feel!!!

And by the way, after you apologize and tell her you made a mistake by giving her that "be at counselling or else" ultimatum, you should of course still attend those counselling sessions yourself. I`m not even exactly sure why she needs to go with you. Your controlling ways are all your own to take care of.

Oh man that is so true. Sounds like your girlfriend wants to spread her wings and fly. Sounds like after 11 years she`s had enough. She`s finally growing up and opening her eyes and realizing she`s fed up with your problems controlling her life. Not only do I hope she has the strengh to not show up for your counceling, but I hope she does continue dating and finding out who she is and what she wants to do with her life - without you hounding her to make ridiculous decisions. After being with someone for 11 years starting at that young an age, it can be very difficult to have the strength and the confidence to break away. I applaud her for finally standing up for herself and I truly hope she doesn`t give in to you. Hopefully like the other poster said, you`ll still go get help. Why don`t you just leave her alone and spend the next year working on making yourself a better person and better relationship material.

Amen to that. I can`t imagine how it has been for her, being in a controlling and mentally abusive relationship at the age of 14 (controlling her is emotional and mentally abusive). I do think she should seek counselling but for herself and to gain some self esteem. Leave her alone and seek counselling for yourself to help control your tendancies towards needing to control her. Do this before you even consider having another relationship or else it will turn out the same way. And let her go. She needs to move on with her life and find out who she wants to be without you.

Chris, you`ve had eleven whole years to "change". Instead you made empty promises. And now that she`s wanting to break free and date other people you suddenly make an appointment to go get help? Puleeeze!!!! Classic abuser agenda. "I love you!! I`m going to change just for you!! I love you!! If you love me you`ll give me another chance!! I`m sorry! I`m going to get help! I promiiiiissssse!!!! (said for the zillionth time).

Oh boo hoo. She`s given you enough chances. Now it`s time for her to give HERSELF a chance.

If you are truly sincere about wanting to better yourself, then by all means do it!! I sincerely wish you the best. But for gosh sakes, leave your girlfriend out of it. She has her own issues to worry about now. She may need her own counseling after eleven years of you.

If you truly love her then let her go. Let her find out who she is and what she truly wants for herself. Encourage her to date and find out what she wants and stop calling her. After you finish a year in therapy, you may even realize a thing or two about yourself and what you want out of life too. Go wish your girlfriend a good life and then get on with your therapy and your own life.

Well,

I guess I had all of that coming.....I do want to change but still dont want to let go of what we have been or could be.I honstly thought some people out there would be alittle more compassionate about the situation but I guess I have made my bed and have to lie in it.I just believe that after 11 years something would be able to salvage the relationship, because she says she still does love me and part of her wants it to work.I guess the worst feeling is thinking that what I want to change is too late for this relationship...because I always have loved her and my actions were not ment to hurt her but were misguided on my behalf...........is there any chance for this relationship and a man who will truely try with 1000% of his might to treat her the way she should be treated?
Thanks again chris

Yes there is a way. You have to stop promising things and just DO them. Go get counseling for yourself, but do it for YOU, not for her, not for the relationship - but for yourself! Which means, stop threatening her with things if she doesn`t attend with you. You can talk about it till you`re blue in the face, but until you actually make the effort to make the changes you have absolutely no room to make demands or even requests of her at this point.

Linda`s right. This is not something that`s going to take a week or even two or three. Be realistic and give yourself a year of counseling. You can`t undo a whole lifetime of living a certain way in just a few sessions. So give it an honest go and in the meantime let her use that time to seek out what`s important for her.

If after a year she`s still around and she wants to try, then consider yourself lucky. If she`s not interested well then you will have at least learned how to treat people and how to relate like an adult. So the next woman that you begin a relationship with will have reaped the benefits of your hard work.

Remember, your girlfriend may still love you....Afterall, what does she really know about love? She`s been with you since she was a child and has nothing to compare to. In fact she might always love you. That doesn`t mean she wants to be with you. Love is not enough. Believe me, I love my exboyfriend but I wouldn`t marry him for all the money in the world. Time to grow up, sweets. Part of growing up sometimes means letting go the ones you love. She needs that right now.

"I do want to change but"

If you really wanted to change you would just do it. There wouldn`t be any "but". You would just go do it no matter what.

"still dont want to let go of what we have been or could be."

Don`t want to let go of what you have been? What would that be? A little girl who`s been stuck being controlled for eleven years and thinks she loves you? As for what "we could be", you can`t be anything unless : 1) you seek help for you yourself alone and 2) she still wants to be a "we" after you are fit to be in a serious relationship.

"I just believe that after 11 years something would be able to salvage the relationship, because she says she still does love me and part of her wants it to work"

You really don`t get it, do you? I suggest you read and re-read these replies to your post several times over. There`s only one chance to "salvage" your relationship and that is to get busy getting yourself help and stop pressuring her.

Change...Change because you know that it will make you a better person Chris. Don`t change for anyone other than yourself. You have acknowledged some problems that you have in relationships and own up to them. If you do in fact realize the error of your ways, then DO go to counseling and become a better person. Changing for someone only leads to resentment and hate of the person in the long run. Change...Change because you know it is the right thing to do, not because you think it will keep her in your life forever, because truly it will not. Change…Change because it will make you a more well rounded person, man and husband and father to someone.

Realizing you have a problem, accepting it and taking courses to remedy it, means you clearly on the right path as long as you stay the course.

Best of luck.....

Chris-
Wow, there were some harsh things said. Yeah you were wrong to promise and promis and promise something that you never did.
11 years is a long time. You should have gotten help along time ago if you knew what your problem was.
I somewhat understand what your problem is becuase i have a jealousy problem also and so does my fiance. We both have a lot of opposite sex friends. But we both trust each other. Do you trust her????
Trust is a main key in a relationship?
A common phrase is said is "i trust you but i don`t trust them" i know i used to say it, but after I say that it, I smack myself everytime. You need to trust your gf.
Ovbviously you must not.

I don`t want to harrass you about this. I know some people in here have been extra mean. I don`t know the whole situation, and either do you people.
Also, she made the choice of the being with you through her youth years. You didn`t take them away, thats just the way she spent them. Its not like you put a gun to her head to be with you. She made that choice, you made it together.

Ladies,

Please cut Chris more slack here! They **both** made mistakes, not he alone. 17 & 14 aren`t far apart in terms of immaturity, their ages when they entered into this relationship. It sounds as if her "square pegs fit into his round holes"; that is, that their needs feeded into each other`s.

She`s at least 25 now, & he`s about 28? (Or maybe older, if the 2-yr engagement is on top of the other 11 yrs.) Yes, Chris` handling of the relationship was very controlling, perhaps even psychologically abusive. But she chose to stay in that relationship.

Why? No marriage. No mentioned children. Had she no family? No one else to turn to? Nowhere else to go? Did they live together?

Please don`t beat up on me because of my honest response. I`m very aware of the problem of women remaining in abusive relationships, & of the reasons why. But I`m also personally aware that in my late teenage to mid-twenties, I *let myself be used* in certain relationships ... & I take responsibility for that.

Yes, Chris ought to get help in dealing w/ his issues. But so should his fiancee, whether w/ him or by herself.

Bon

Bonnie you are very wrong.
You are one step away from blaming her for the abuse.
Women stay in relationships like this because they are made to believe that they have no other choices. That no other man would want them. That they would have nothing without him. This belief does not come from the air, it is ingrained through years and years of controlling behaviour. Who at the age of 14 has the courage to stand up to the crowd or even one person they think is great. Often in abusive relationships, the abuser puts on a mask around other people so that everyone around her thinks he is great. This isolates her in her suffering for if she leave him, then everyone questions her judgement. I think she needs counselling, but to deal with the self esteem issues that surround being controlled for almost half a life. He needs to seek counselling to learn about why he feels the urge to control. Most relationships with this kind of emotional abuse usually also have physical abuse as well. Although he has not admitted to that, it does bring one to wonder if there was a history of it. Perhaps she is the only one to answer that. If it is the case, then she is lucky to be out of the relationship, if it is not the case, then she is still lucky to be out of the relationship. He admits to controlling her, this is not a good thing, and saying that she allowed it to happen is the reason why many women do stay in abusive relationships. They are brainwashed to believe that they have to put up with it because they are made to feel like they have no other choice. I just hope any other women out there who may be experiencing similar circumstances has the strength to believe in herself and leave. I also hope they listen to those of us who do support them. It`s attitudes like yours Bonnie that kept so many women in the kitchen with black eyes for so many years. As for your problems, perhaps you need to seek some counselling yourself instead of continuing to blame yourself for your destructive relationships.

Hold on ladies...how can you say some of this stuff..when you don`t know the WHOLE story.
Sarah.. You say that it is not a good thing that he admits that he is controlling her. Well in my opinion (not saying that its right, just my opinion) that is a good thing.
Like i said before she made that decision to be with him, stay with, and so on. It was her choice too. So lay off ladies, he is trying to help himself. Don`t push a guy down when they are already down.

Yup, it makes me made because, as my sig says, I have been there and I had heard the same "song and dance routine" from a similar guy for many years. It doesn`t matter how long she "chose" to stay with him, the important thing to consider now is that she HAS NOW made the decision to attempt end the relationship (or at least take a break from it and see what else the world has for her) and yet he is once again using his controlling nature to pressure her, manipulate her, and give her ultimatums. As far as relationships go, this is all she has ever known since the age of fourteen and he`s still got a hold on her.

I never said it wasn`t good that he admits to controlling her, I said that the behaviour is bad. I also said he needs to change, but like i said before it is people like you who blame the victim who are the precise reason that spousal (including dating) abuse is so rampant today because women are made to believe they have no other choices.

Ok i thought this is where people come for help with ideas, problems, etc?? Well, you guys are just being mean. He came for HELP, not to be put down. Some of you are just assuming things, we /you don`t know. So don`t assume.
Chris- i hope everything went well at counselling and with your her.

I agree with you Belle! Some people here are so harsh that they don`t even know how to be gentle when someone is searching for answers and help. They never consider that at least Chirs has acknowledged he has a problem and he is attempting to do something about it for whatever reason. I am certain that all people have some problems or issues in their life, hence they are not perfect.

He without sin cast the first stone!

Those of you who think we are being mean, I think you are mistaken. Yeah, Chris is searching for help on for his problem and I`m sympathetic to that. However Chris seems to think that his problem is that his girlfriend is falling out of love with him and wants to date other people. Chris wants us to help him figure out a way to win her back. Chris` REAL problem is that he needs help to sort out his control issues. He doesn`t want to hear that. He wants us to tell him "good for you Chris for admitting you have a problem, your girlfriend is being so unreasonable, poor Chris".

Hello all,
I would like to start off by saying I did not come here to be "bashed" but I do realize I probably deserve it.I also did`nt come here to try to find a way to " win her back". I came for advice to see if there was any hope in saving this realtionship and not loosing the person I love more than anything on this earth, my heart,my soul,my bestfriend and the air I breathe.
I have been going through hell since she has been gone.Everything I see or hear reminds me of her in some way.She packed me a bag with some of my clothes last night and when I put them on this morning I began to cry because they smelled like her and it killed me.I miss her so much....I can barley function, I don`t sleep,I don`t eat,and I am a zombie at work(where i own a business with her brother and cousin who are my best friends).I also cry hysterically everynight thinking of our memories and what I had hoped for the future.I`m sure that will make "some" of you happy here.
I am not trying to play myself as the "victim" here I am just trying to get things off my chest about what I have been going through.One thing that bothers me is that I feel I may never have the chance to try to make up for any bad things I have done in the past.Even though we have had countless "great years" together and tons of wonderful memories and dreams we have shared.I want the chance one day to be able to treat her like a princess, the way she deserves to be treated.If I never get that chance I hope whoever the next man is will do the right thing by her and never hurt her,because she is a wonderful soul and should be treated as such.
One thing that has been really getting me sad and concerned is I know she will be going to the clubs in Manhattan and I know she isn`t "keen" to the dating seen and it would kill me to know some snake would take advantage of her or hurt her in any way.I know she is very head strong and aware but when people drink and let loose I would hate to see someone take advantage of her.
Christina did show up at the meeting but not under my "requirments"(which i should`nt have stipulated anyway).The councelor said she can see we have a very "strong and solid foundation".She also said Christina is very confused and suggested that she should`nt just " go with the flow or act on impulse" like she has been doing.She thinks if you are really confused the best thing to do is "nothing or just sit on it and think".Right now Christina feels she needs to see what is out there and does`nt have the energy to try for the relationship right now.( I can say I blame her, but it saddens me and hurts).
I will continue to go for counceling regardless as to weather or not Christina will come. I am going to try to better myself for Me,and hopefully for her if I ever get the chance again.If I don`t ever get that chance I will be a better man for my next relationship ( even though another relationship is the furthest thing from my mind).
The councelor said she wants to see me alone next week and Christina is more than welcome the week after that if she wants to come.Her 25th birthday is this Friday and I really want to respect the fact she wants space but I also don`t think it is right for me not to do anything.I left off speaking to her on the phone lastnight telling her I will refrain from calling her out of repect for her space and if she needs me or wants to talk she can call me.We ended the conversation " I`ll talk to you when I talk to you..ok....I love you Christina....I love you too Chris....goodnight....gooodnight.
I would like to thank "everyone" who has responed to this post regardless as to weather or not you were hasrsh.

Me again,
I was jst re reading some of the posts and to clear some things up...yes we did live together for 4 years.......yes she has a amily and comes from a screwd up divorced upbringing as do i.

And to answer the question if I ever got physical with her ..absolutly not..I would never dream of it..never hit a women and never would...im not a peice of s%$t in that way anyways.
Hope that clears up some things.
Thanks again all
Chris

Hey Chris....
Go and get her back. Don`t let her get away.
You never want to regret anything in life....
Good Luck to you.