Parents... How Much They Are NOT Paying!

It`s your parent`s money. You are an adult. You don`t know their private business because it`s none of your business. You can ask them in a respectful manner why, but you have no right to whine or complain. And if they choose not to tell you, this should be respected also. They may feel very badly about not being able to help you id f money is tighter than a year ago. Maybe they do not agree with your choice of mates. But until you speak to them in an adult manner, you will never know. Just keep in mind, it`s their right to not give you an answer and not your place to act child-like and be temperamental about it.

Do you care enough about your future relationship with your parents to not let money come in between you? Or is money more important? You are no longer 12 where you get the same amount of Christmas presents as your sister. This is child-like thinking and it’s selfish and uncaring for your parent’s feelings and/or situation.

If they are doing this out of meanness to you, then be adult enough to cut them out of your life. Either way, remain an adult.

Kara-
It is my opinion that, son or daughter, parents should give their children equal amounts of money. This is what my parents are doing--they decided the `average` cost of a wedding, cut that number in half, and it is what they will give to each child. I think that you should ask your parents why there is such a big difference in monetary support from you to your sister. I know money issues aren`t easy to bring up---good luck!

I completely understand how you feel, as I am one of 7 chldren who was 3rd in line getting married. The first wedding always seems to be the one that gets the most monetary support from the parents. My suggestion to you is to not let it bother you in the least. Simply be creative with the money you have been given and have a spectacular wedding. You will be most appreciated for your ingenuity and class! You can have a fabulous wedding for any amount of money...it just takes careful planning and lots of shopping around! Good luck to you...and have a wonderful wedding day!

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Hello,
Here is my 2 cents on this topic.. I paid for almost all of my wedding. I am the oldest of 5 kids. I had something simple yet it was really nice and I loved my big day. My other siblings have had the big weddings and I am not sure how much my parents helped them. Personally I have never asked because it is none of my business. I know my parents love me the same as my siblings. Why do you want to even think about starting something that may cause heartache down the road. You might need to step back and look at what you want and what you can afford. I am not saying to do away with your plans for your big day. Maybe you can trim and even simplify what you have for your big day..
Congratz and good luck..
Ang

Maybe I was a little vage in my original post! I thank the posters who understand how I feel about the situation. I forgot to add that my parents said that they would give me the same amount that they gave my sister and then when I started to book things, they said they were only paying for certain things which does not add up to what my sister got. I NEVER asked my sister how much they gave her, I didn`t want to know, I figured if I knew it would just aggrevate me. But my mother was the one who told me. I don`t even need as much as my parents gave my sister, I only need half, but I don`t think I am even getting that.

So for the money issue with my parents not being any of my business...they sure made it my business!!!!!!

Even though your circumstances may be a bit different than what you originally led us to believe, I still believe my original opinion stands.

“Do you care enough about your future relationship with your parents to not let money come in between you? Or is money more important?”

Either answer is fine, but be willing to accept the consequences if you pursue this matter. It’s still their money, and for whatever reason they have changed their minds. I still say there is a deeper reason that they either want or don’t want to share with you. This goes much deeper than money. Do they disagree with your choice of mates? Do they disagree with your choice of wedding events? It’s their money, they decide how they want it spent. On the same note, I firmly believe that once I give someone money, it is no longer mine to decide what to do with it. But until I give it away, I do have full power over it. And I do have the right to give it under certain circumstances (example: I will give you money if you do not hire a punk rock band or have purple flowers). If you breech that agreement, you must return the money. But until they give it to you, they do have a right to object to pay for certain things.

Anyway, this obviously goes much deeper than money. You still must be the adult and decide how you want to handle this situation and be willing to create, live with and accept responsibility for a negative future with your parents or take what they offer graciously and maintain a close relationship.

Yes, morally they should give you what they offered, unless a money struggle is the culprit. But, ultimately, they aren’t giving you what they promised. No it’s not right, but it is the way it is and now it’s on your back. Short of suing them or berating them what are your choices?

Until you have an adult conversation with them, you will not know. Keep in mind, they still may not tell you. Decide now, do you want to accept what they offer with grace, or do you want to be responsible for a rocky future? It is totally on your shoulders, not theirs.

Maybe your sister was able to get a lot of good deals on certain things, so even though it seems like she got alot more money than you, maybe she didnt. Why don`t you ask her where she got certain things, she might help you get cheaper deals. Maybe you got a photographer for $200 but your sister only got one for $100 and your parents feel that its only fair that they pay $100. Do you see what i mean?

I agree with whoever posted that you shouldn`t let money get in the way. Things change in a year. Maybe your parents just can`t afford it right now to pay what they paid for your sister. I know my parents can`t afford what they paid for my sister a few years ago because back then my dad was working, and now he is retired.

I am not going to complain. I love my parents and know that if they had the money, they would have spent it on me, but they just don`t and i will not make them feel bad for not having it.

Just accept it, try to cut costs on things that will not show.

Ie. Get your dress from ebay or thrift shop. Make ur own favors....

Just be gratiful that you are getting married and that you have found someone who loves you. There are many people who would forego the entire wedding if only they could find someone to love them......

My sister had a $30,000 wedding, which in my opinion I think is a little outrageous. I am only have a $4000 wedding.

I am just a little disappointed in my partents because when I first told them that I pick a datemy father said that it was only fair to give to one to give to another. That was my dad`s EXACT words. Then when I go to book the hotel and the dj and the photographer, they were not giving me the same amount of $$.

I have had PLENTY of ADULT conversations with my parents about this. Bascially I was told that they don`t have that kind of money just laying around and with my sister`s wedding they had to take out a second mortgage to give her the $$$. It is not like my sister needs either, her and her husband do VERY well, they are both engineers and they do a lot of side jobs, but she HAD to have everything top notch. From a $3000 photographer to a $3000 LIVE BAND.

It could also be that I live in FL and they live up North. They may feel as if they don`t get to see everything that their money is going to so, why should they pay. But that is just another excuse because I feel as if I still lived up North, this would still be an issue. I know it has nothing to do with whom I am marrying. But it just goes back to saying that my father should of never said that he was going to pay x amount of dollars and now they are not. That is all.

Of course I am bitter, right now! It will all blow over. Of course I am mad and disappointed, right now. But it is not like I am going to stop talking to them because of it. I may forgive them, but you never forget.

Ok- I`m done. And I know that you will blast me, because you are immature and bitter and full of grudge.

You are talking out of both sides of your face. First you state what you think we want to hear to keep us from giving you what is very sound advice, and then you belittle your parents in the next breath.

You cannot have it both ways. Those of us who have tried to help you see this in a different light have just wasted our time and energies. It is OK that all you want to do is whine and vent. We all feel that way on occasion. It is not OK that you attempt to disguise it as something else. Be honest! Just say, “I just need to vent right now. I know my feelings are wrong and possibly childish; but this is how I’m feeling. I need to vent so that I can get this negativity out of my system. I want to be able to talk to my parents without a hot head. I don’t need anyone’s advice. Some encouraging words would be nice. Thank you for listening.”

If you were truly an adult, as you claim to be, you would already know this. Good luck in your life, you’re going to need to it.

Dawn,
I think ur words are a little harsh. Maybe she needs to vent adn thats ok, its not childish to do that. I think many people in her position would want to do the same. I would rather have her vent here and get her anger out here with us than with her parents.

Kara, please come here and tell us your feelings. I think that in a way you are venting and in a way you are getting advice.

Wow! i didn`t know people actually took out a second mortage on their houses to get their kids married. I would never put my parents in debt for one day....

Well, kudos to u kara for making a cheaper wedding. Mine is not going to cost alot either; about $8000 for 400 people. Its more than urs, but i think i am inviting more people (smile)

I wish i lived in florida, i would have definitely helped you with ur wedding preprations.

If i were you, i would think on the upside of this. True ur father said something he is not going to be able to do, but think; your parents are actually going to be grateful that your not putting them further in debt. I would love to sacrifice for my parents something so small after all the sacrifices they have done for me....

Please post as much as you want.

Elbintdee-

I reread my post. I clearly stated there is nothing wrong with venting. There is everything wrong with posing it as something else.

And I quote:

“I just need to vent right now. I know my feelings are wrong and possibly childish; but this is how I’m feeling. I need to vent so that I can get this negativity out of my system. I want to be able to talk to my parents without a hot head. I don’t need anyone’s advice. Some encouraging words would be nice. Thank you for listening.”

I very clearly not only feel it’s OK to vent, it’s OK to feel a little childlike from time to time. I just think we should recognizeit for what it is and not candy coat it. There’s nothing harsh about that. Unless being realistic is being harsh.

THANK YOU elbintdee for letting me speak my mind about this difficult situation. Dawn I thought that you were done, why are you going to come back and comment on what elbintdee said?

You know, I am not the only one that feels that this situation of my is fair. Usually I give people the benefit of the doubt about things before I react to them. With this situation, there are a lot people that feel the same way that i do.

I course part of me is venting, and the other part of me is really upset with my parents for being the way they are. This is common for my parents to be this way and I was just stupid to believe them when they said that they would give me the same amount of $$$ that they gave my sister. But, am I going to let that ruin my life? NOPE, that will just make me a better person.

So I would like to thank you again elbintdee for being understanding about my situation... I guess some people feel more powerful degrading other people on message boards... It just makes you wonder what they are like in real life. You know what they say...... Usually when you pick on somebody else you have low self esteem... And that is a shame.. This is suppose to be a message board to help people that are trying to plan a wedding, to give you HELPFUL tips and suggestions about your "perfect day" and I can`t say that this would be the right website for that. Some people would rather pick a fight over the internet, of all things, rather than give HELPFUL advice about weddings.

Elbintde- my comment was directed to you, not anyone else. Therefore, it was a new conversation and not I going over what I said I was done with. In fact, I told Kara I was done with her, not anyone else. But then again, it`s obvious she sees things as she wants and not as they are.

I still I say I am very much for venting. In fact, I`m venting right now. And I’m venting directly to Kara. But I`m being honest about it and calling it what it is. Gee, too bad people do not see the honesty for what it is. I`m still waiting for someone to point out where I said it is not OK to vent and even whine and act child-like on occasion. HMMMM..... I guess Kara has decided to read only the parts she wants.

Kara, You self-centered little know-nothing, Too bad I am not picking a fight but only defending myself because you, Kara, do not care to read the whole thing. I am at this point calling you, straight out, an immature, selfish baby. If you look at all my other posts, this is the FIRST time I have had to do this. Too bad you came on this site just to look for people to only agree with you and not disagree. I left Fairy Tale land long ago. It seems really funny that you only agree with the one person who does not disagree with you. I’m just the only person that has called you on it and you can’t stand it.

Your parents obviously raised you to be selfish. To think you deserve things you do not deserve. You should be angry with them, for raising such an immature selfish brat. Now you want to pick a fight??? This is a fight. Learn the difference between caring opinions (which don’t mean crap to anyone except the person giving them) and someone picking a fight you little brat.

And from here on out... You truly are not worth the effort it takes me to get upset or the time it takes me to check out the posts. I will not even be checking for your response. So do whatever you want. You will anyway.

You couldn`t even see the differenence between my responding to you and responding to elbintdee. Geez. That, on your part, is first class picking a fight.

Ok, I am selfish now for letting people, my own parents take advantage of me. Obviously you go onto to this message board to fight with people because you wouldn`t of came back to this one several times and say the exact same things over and over again. I do listen to what everybody writes on here.. The people that make sense. It is also obvious that you are getting upset over this because you keep writing over and over again and insulting me. I think that you are a very opioninate person and that is fine... But you don`t need to put other people down to make yourself feel better. Go do something... Get a hobby, get off the computer and go do something constructive.
Maybe you are going through a stressful time with your wedding right now, so you need to take it out on other people.
You know I sit here and think to myself there are people at war and people dying of disease and other tragic things and we are fighting over who is right or wrong. There is no right or wrong way to feel about something. If I want to feel the way I feel about this situation, then that is what I am going to do. You may think that I am selfish, you may think that I am acting like a brat, but you know what? you are the only one who thinks that! I have asked plenty of people for their opinion about my situation and they have told me the same thing and it is not that they are afraid of telingl me the truth. These are my coworkers and my friends and they have disagreed with me before about things so I know that they are not just yesing me about this. I didn`t "post" on here so I can have more people to agree with me, or to find an answer, I don`t expect everybody to agree with me, but I don`t expect to sit here and fight and have somebody call me names. It is a little ridiculous, don`t ya think?

Dawn,
Yes, i stand to be corrected, you did say it was ok to vent. I apologize for reading your post incorrectly.

Guys, lets just stop bickering. Like kara said; there are so many things going on this world, war, people dying from disease, starvation, etc.

So i think lets let the name calling stop and let us just calm down. Dawn, maybe what you said is good idea, maybe its best for you not to post on this certain thread anymore.

Rememeber that song; there is no good guy, there is no bad guy, there is just you and me and we just disagree (smile)

Enjoy ur weekend everyone!!!!

Kara, I understand that you are disappointed that your parents are not giving you the money you had initially expected. But for you to say that your parents are taking advantage of you, well that alone makes me see Dawn`s point. Your parents are not taking advantage of you. You are not a victim in this scenario. The fact that you choose to believe otherwise says a lot.

Vent all you like, we all need to do that sometimes. But then get over it and do something to make you feel better. Accept your parents contribution for your wedding GRACIOUSLY, and then either go get a second job or scale down your wedding, or any number of other possibilites.

I can completely understand why your upset. I`m going through the same kind of thing. It`s not that i want a bigger and better wedding than my sister, or that i feel my parents `owe` me anything. It simply feels like a slap in the face, as if they love my sister more and felt that her wedding was more important.
I know that this isnt true at all, my parents have NEVER been like that in the least.
Planning a wedding is very stressful and things like this get blown way out of proportion, you need to vent about it, so go for it!
As to `all` of Dawns comments, you made your point in the first one, I think its time for you to move on.

~Erika~

Kara - I understand where you are coming from...My parents feel that whatever you give one child, you must give the other. The only difference being that this money may be put towards different things. I have been given a lump sum of money to use wherever I please (either the wedding, or my student loan) I decided to put towards my loan and attempt to pay for the wedding on our own (since his family can`t give us any money) So, has your family given you any money that maybe wasn`t given to your sister? Maybe they feels you`ve had your share? Just a thought.