Secret Marriage

If you want to get married secretly, then by all means go for it. But then you cannot afterwards have the audacity to have a fake wedding ceremony to try and fool your guests. It`s either one or the other, not both.

Linda, I have to disagree. We`ve created & performed wedding ceremonies for a number of couples who were already (secretly) married, & they managed to keep the entire thing under cover. So many couples live together today that keeping a simple wedding quiet is fairly easy.

Fudgie, just get married by a JP or some such thing. For this, you`ll need to get the marriage license. Then, later, if you want a public ceremony that seems to be the "original" wedding to everyone else, just arrange this w/ an officiant. For this, no marriage license will be needed. If any guests inquire about one (& they probably won`t), just take about 10 minutes alone with the officiant & then tell busy-bodies that the matter has been handled. (A marriage license isn`t a decorative document!)

Good luck with it all!
-- Bon

Bon, I`m not saying that it can`t be done. I`m saying that no one should have the audacity to do such a thing. It`s just not right. If a couple wants to marry secretly and then later inform everyone and have a reception, that`s great. But to get married secretly and then to put on a fake wedding later pretending all the while that you are still single? No way.

You can always renew your vows! We got married by a JP (different circumstances) and are planning to renow our vows with a low-key ceremony.

Personally I believe that the day that 2 people pledge their hearts and souls, publicly, to one another need not be the same date that they file the liscensing and paperwork held so dear by the laws of man and state. Your spiritual union and your filing date not being one in the same is no big deal to me. Health care is usually the reason for such things from my couples. So in short if you need to do this to get to the doctor, do it. If it will save you 5k by the wedding date and you feel good about it do it. If you think it will take away some of the magick of your day, I`d think twice.

In NY state you can just go back to town hall fill out everything again and they`ll put second ceremony. This way your certificate from the state matches your invitations. (this is also a good tip if a bride chooses not to change her name then changes her mind. It`s quicker and cheaper that the usual name change)

Wishing you many healthy happy years!
L&L, Apri

My fiance and I are planning on getting married secretly based on our spiritual beliefs. Our real wedding date is already scheduled for next year. I don`t want to wait because I personally believe I`ll be living in sin plus we need to save $$$. I don`t think there`s anything wrong with it and in fact many people have done it. My college roomate and a co-worker of mine did the same thing and I had no idea. My pastor even proposed it to me when I brought the subject up. It will be a simple ceremony in his office. We chose to tell only our parents and that`s it. Everyone else will see us take our vows 7 months later at a beautiful planned ceremony which will be more meaningful and spiritual to me. But technically we will be married, but I don`t think it`s a bad thing to do. It all depends on your situation and how you view it.

What`s so spiritual about putting on a play and duping your guests? And what kind of pastor encourages lies and secrets? And how does it save money? So many questions. I don`t get it. But then again, whatever floats your boat.

It`s not really for you to understand or anyone else especially if they don`t not have a christian belief which sometimes leads to them not understanding . That`s why we choose not to say anything due to responses from people like you. I don`t have a comment on your reply other than that`s your opinion and thankfully I do have the answers to my questions.

I am a Christian. So I don`t know what you mean by that. I just want to know if there`s nothing wrong with putting on a wedding after you`ve already tied the knot, then WHY do you need to keep it a secret from the guests? If everyone is so okay with it then why do you need to hide the trruth from them?

Just a little side note, if we want to bring religion into this, in some faiths the first wedding won`t count anyway as it happened only in the eyes of the state and not in the eyes of God.

But could someone please explain why you can`t have ONE religious wedding ceremony that is also recognized legally? Why do you need two? I`m getting married in a church in a religious ceremony and I don`t have to have a first wedding by the state beforehand.

Dana, It is a wonderful thing that there is nothing going on in your life that makes 2 ceremonies a necessity. You are very fortunate and should be thankful. I can`t speak for the couple who originally posted this, but in an attempt to help you understand why some do things this way, I`ll tell you about the 3 times that couples have had me sign the license in advance and what their cases have been:

1. The Bride to be had a pap smear come back bad. She had no medical coverage. Doing the paperwork before hand allowed her to get to a better doctor sooner.

2. Bride #2 was paying $360.00 a month to her health care provider. Their wedding was 16 months away. Filing the paperwork put her on his plan saving them almost 6k.

3. Groom #3 was going into the hospital for brain surgery. They wanted to make sure that his fiance had access to him and to the decision making process if things didn`t go well.

These are not the kind of things that one would post on a chat board if they weren`t in the past. Most things in life are whatever they are whether or not we understand them. Perhaps you should think about how lucky you are to have been afforded the luxury of ignorance to this kind of situation.

So essentially it`s about money and health care coverage. Is that what you`re saying? Okay, so a couple gets married earlier so one of them can get on the other`s health plan.

Well, I may not agree with the reasoning behind the two "weddings", but that`s beside the point. I STILL don`t understand why it has to be a lie. Why do the guests have to be tricked? If it was so perfectly normal to do this and there`s nothing wrong with it, then why does it have to be kept hush hush secret?

I have to agree. I see nothing wrong with having a civil ceremony beforehands, but somehow lying to your guests seems unethical. Just ask them to celebrate your marriage, not tell them that you are celebrating the beginning of a union. If you are lying to your guests, then you are lying and denying your relationship to yourself as well. What kind of a marriage can you really have if you don`t want to admit it to the world? If people ask, tell them you couldn`t afford the big ceremony beforehand and needed some time to save up. Everyone will understand. And if they don`t, who cares, you don`t have to justify your relationship to anyone. I would just encourage you to be open and honest when it comes to why they are there.

It`s funny how things can be twisted and taken out of context. Whoever said I was lying??? This is not a situation based on heath nor legality issues nor do I consider it a lie. People are so quick to judge others when they don`t have any facts. It`s based upon our personal reasons and beliefs which I prefer not to share. But, the people who are closest to us will know but those who are not close to us will find out at the wedding when it`s announced. It`s just as simple as that. There`s nothing wrong or deceptive with that. My reception and ceremony will carry on in its traditional arrangement. I`m very excited and feel that this is the best arrangement for us to do. I don`t see what`s the big deal. Many people have done this same thing in the past....there`s no reason to debate back and forth. It`s a matter of personal preferences and it all comes down to what`s best for the couples and that their union will last for years to come. Whether tom, mike, dick or jane...knows when we actually say "I do" is totally irrelevant. All that matters is that they all witness a spiritual religious ceremony that`s not able to happen until that day.

Vicki, I the reference to health and legal issues was in response to another post.

But in response to your post I have to say first that to justify this by saying that many others have done it doesn`t really work. Just because other people do it doesn`t make it a good thing to do. I mean many people have robbed stores and committed adultery too. So what if many people have done it?

Anyway, your post didn`t make much sense to me. You said:
"People are so quick to judge others when they don`t have any facts. It`s based upon our personal reasons and beliefs which I prefer not to share."

But you did share your reasons! And they weren`t personal a few posts ago. You said exactly why you were doing it and now suddenly you changed and say you`re doing it based on your beliefs. Whatever...
This is what you said before:
"I don`t want to wait because I personally believe I`ll be living in sin plus we need to save $$$."

So it`s about living arrangements and money issues.

Funny thing this is mentioned. My husband and I have been "secretly" married for almost a year. On our one year anniversary we are planning our church wedding. This is not a bad thing. People have found out by accident or whatever but we are planning on letting everyone know at the reception. Go with what feels right. Best of luck.

You hit it right on the head ....it`s all about doing what feels right for YOU!!!!

Thank you so much for stating that Tiffany....

Yeah sure. If it feels right to trick your guests so that you can save money on living arrangements or health care or whatever go for it.

Vicky you give so many reasons I don`t even think you know what`s the truth. Oh well happy wedding day. Err... I mean wedding days.

Not that it really matters what Dana says, but I dont at all feel you are "tricking" your guests. Not telling them something that means a lot to you is something that happens everyday. You do NOT have to share every detail of your intimate life with everyone else. If it means something to you to have a church wedding, as it does to me, then so be it. There are varying circumstances that sometimes force a marriage to happen before the planned event, such as my "secret" husband was leaving for the Army, and those circumstances should not interfere with what you want. You deserve to have your wedding day, whether it be that you have already made that commitment or not. I wish you the best of luck and your guests will not, or should not be hurt by this.

Nobody is saying you don`t deserve or shouldn`t have another wedding. What they are saying is be truthful to your guests. They most likely will feel hurt when they do find out that you were/are married and didn`t care enough or think enough about them to tell them so. It is dishonest. Nobody will look down on you for having the ceremony you could`t have before, but they will look down on your decision to lie to them. If it is about having a church ceremony, doesn`t God believe that lying is a sin? Don`t preach about how important it is that you have a church ceremony when you aren`t practicing any of His laws. Get married. Have the church wedding. Just don`t use it as an excuse to dupe the one`s you love because you are too chicken to admit the truth.

You know what, all of you ignorant people are really ticking me off. There are MANY circumstances, other than financial and health insurance, that may lead a couple into getting married secretly. My husband came to this country when he was a very small child, by his mother...illegally. This was not his decision-again, he was a small child. He grew up here and knew the US to be his only home. When he turned 18 and had to take the issue of being an illegal immigrant into his own hands, everything about his past became very secretive in order to protect himself from being deported before he had straightened out all of his legal matters in this country. When I met him he was still going through this process. When 9/11 occurred laws were changed that affected my husband. At that point I had been with him for three years. The law stated that if he didn`t do certain things he would be deported. One of the options that he had to make the legal process move faster was to get married to an americam woman. I was nineteen and he was twenty one at the time. Since we knew we loved each other and that we were eventually going to get married, we did it sooner than we had planned. The fear of losing him was such a horrible reality that we knew we had no other choice. We had to keep the marriage a secret from many of our family and friends due to his legal issue. You never know when someone will tell the wrong person that "so and so" is an illegal immigrant, causing my husband to be deported before he finished his legal paperwork. Now that he is a legal resident and going for his citizenship, we are planning on having a church wedding to celebrate the sacrament of holy matrimony with our family and friends. I do not feel that we have lied to or decieved anyone. We only protected ourselves and our love for each other. Before you pass judgement on someone, make sure you know the whole story!