Mom Is Driving Me Crazy

Getting married isn`t the way to get emotional freedom.
Get your own apartment and live on your own, independant of everyone else. After a year of that then start making marriage plans if you want to.

I need emotional freedom from her. Outside of my home I am treated like a rational adult. In the home she treats me like an incompetent child and when I have rational things to say she gets pissy and ignores me. I wanted to get married for over a year now. Him and I love eachother very much and we want to start our lives together. I have tried to get my own apartment too however, my parents were not supportive at all. I wanted to move out the second year I entered college. Now in my senior year they still don`t see me as old enough to do anything. I want her to just get a life.

Wait, I`m not sure I understand how at 22 you still need your parents` support or permission to get your own place or to move in with your boyfriend or to marry. Why don`t you just decide what you want to do and do it? If you are adult enough to be on your own, then why aren`t you? You may have valid complaints as to your mother`s attitude, but instead of taking adult initiative and moving out on your own, you are still there and complaining about the treatment. In effect you are proving your mother right.

I agree, the only one stopping you from moving out is yourself. It you want to be treated like an adult, act like one. You say you wanted to move out, who`s stopping you? Cut the cord and move out on your own. You need to understand what it is like to be an adult (pay bills, cook meals, pay rent). How can you expect to have a great marriage, when you have no idea what it is to be independant? What would you do if (god forbid) something should happen to your husband? Would you know how to survive? Would you know what to do? Marriage shouldn`t be entered into lightly, and sometimes love just isn`t enough. No one is saying don`t get married, we are all just saying grow up a little first, move out, live as an adult. You can`t have any understanding about what an adult relationship is like if you live with your parents. That is the type of relationship you have in high school. Cut your mom some slack and get out on your own. Then not only will your relationship with your boyfriend improve, but so will your relationship with your mom.

Financially I am not independent. Having to attend a Univerisity is not easy especially since my parents stopped me from getting a loan (I am a dependent in the government`s eyes). I had to choice but to work about 3 different jobs and pay up to 2,000 each semester. I do pay bills and I do cook. The only thing I don`t do is live by myself. I would love to and I have tried trust me but I have to wait. I want to marry my fiance because him and I had made that decision and we will support each other with the living expenses we will encounter. Trust me I am going to move out. Also my mother still thinks I am a virgin and she will have the entire family disown me if I moved out on my own. I want to have it all. But I can`t. My mother is very pessimistic. She critizes me and ignores me. She always critizes me on my weight (comparing me to herself) I weigh 108 and she used to weigh 99lbs at my age something has to be wrong. I have a serious of emotional problems because of her comments.

I, too, have (had) a controlling mother. It doesn`t matter how old you are or how financially independent you are, the controlling parent will ALWAYS be the same (it took me 40 years to figure this out!). The best thing I did was read a book called "If You Had Controlling Parents : How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World" by Dan Neuharth (Author), which gave me the tools to deal with my mother and free myself from her "control." Good luck.

ANA,
I can feel your pain. I just want to let you know that it will be okay. It won`t be perfect, but it will be okay. Are you the only daughter? I am and it makes this whole process really tough on my mom! My mom and I are best friends, but since I`ve been with my fiance (for over a year), I don`t even know her anymore. Bless her heart, we had a big and hopefully our last fight about this today! She feels like I`m different since him and I am, and it`s a good thing. I`ve prayed about this and I know this is who God has chosen for me. Stay strong and sit down and have a big heart to heart with her. Her holding on hurts your relationship more, than if she could just let you become the woman she`s raised you to be. Ask her to have faith in her child rearing abilities. Hope all goes well for you. Stick to the decisions of your heart. Praying it Goes Better!

Thanks for the advice both of you give me a lot of hope. I really need to just follow my own path and not seek her approval all the time. I hate being controlled because of how independent I am but also wish she could respect my opinions as an adult women. I will definetly read that book. Thank you. My mom said that I changed too since my engagement. She said that I am being controlled when in reality I have done more things on my own this past year than any other time in my life. I loved the freedom and I hope to see more of it this coming year! Thanx!