Sister Trouble

Dear- disheartened-sister...
The troubles that you are experiencing need not be an issue to you, simply because this is YOUR wedding, hence you make the final decisions in regards to all matters.

When dealing with a love ones in regards to taste and style, their opinion is truly unimportant. I have found that when offering persons a choice it does more hassle than good. I say this to you because I feel as though you are giving your “spoiled” sister too much control. She should not feel it is OKAY to interject her thoughts and feelings in regards to your wedding plans. What she wants and doesn’t want is of no consequence to you. If she truly LOVES you she would go along with everything that YOU want and not what she wants.

I too have a sister, and not in a million years would I dream of doing to her what she is doing to you. Sit her down and have a heart to heart with her. Give her an ultimatum, explain to her how important she is to you and how you would love for her to be in your wedding, but not under her own circumstances but under yours. Tell her that if her behavior does not improve she will be attending your wedding as a guest. Your family will understand and if they don’t OH WELL…they too need to understand whose day it is.

Thanks Denise.

Your advice is much appreciated. I was just feeling at the end of my tether that perhaps i was doing something wrong, or being selfish because its my wedding day.

You are not being selfish in the less bit. I see no reason for her behavior and actions. What is discouraging to me is that your parents support her behavior...they to may need to have a heart to heart talk with you also. I know you LOVE your sister and really want her to be in your wedding, but there clearly is no reason for you to be stressing over her actions.

What truly is important is that you and your soon to be hubby are embarking on a new life long journey, and NOT who SHE wants to do her hair. Tell her to get with the program or remove her all together.

Best wishes......

My fiancee is extremely upset by all of this as she herslf doesnt have a sister but a close friend and cousin who are also doing b maid but have been bending over backwords to help her. Should I speak to my sister on my and my fiancee`s behalf, or should i do as i said to her that I will not contact her until she apologises for her bad behaviour?

First let me say that you should continue being the bigger person and the big Brother that you have been, therefore this does mean that you need to speak directly to her. Speaking to her doesn’t mean that she has gotten her way or even that you are bowing to her and her rudeness.

Face to face tell her what is own your mind and how you feel. Try your best not to make the discussion confrontational, using comforting and calm words that will clearly get your feelings and wants across without seeming argumentative.

So YES you need to speak with her. Your bride needs and wants as much support from her bridal party, including your sister that she can possible get! You must also remember that your new bride will be a part of your Family and she and your sister will be a part of your life. So try to smooth things over calmly. But like I stated before if she doesn`t get with the program than she need to be removed. Perhaps doing so will bring her spoiled butt to her senses.

I have to comment on the hair salon issue. There is nothing anywhere that says bridesmaids must get their hair done at the place where the bride dictates. Why brides feel they have the right to dictate hair dos and hair salons is beyond me. Her hair is her hair and while you may have "control" over the dress and shoes, there are certain decisions that are more personal. She has the right to have hair done wherever she preferes and however she prefers, even if that means doing it herself. She`s your bridesmaid not your Barbie doll. Perhaps if you are more reasonable on this issue she might be more reasonable with you on the other issues that you`ve mentioned.

LInda,
I agree with you 100%.
I think that since she is going to be paying for her hairdo that day that she should have every say in who does it.
Who cares if she gets it done at the same salon? Seriously, it`s not that big of a deal. It`s hair! Maybe she is trying to think about the bride. Maybe she thinks if she goes to that salon that their might be a fight or an arguement with this woman she doesn`t like. If that`s so, then she`s trying to protect the bride, not hurt her. If she prefers to get her hair done there, then fine, that`s her perogative. As for any emails, nasty or otherwise, maybe she too feels equally hurt. It`s hard to see a sister get married (I know from experience). All sorts of feelings come up such as jealousy, fear of losing your sisterly ties, nostalgia. It is up to you to understand that this doesn`t mean she isn`t happy for you, but you also need to be sensitive to her feelings as well. This is probably the stance that your parents are coming from. There are always 2 or more sides to every story. Try looking at it from another angle and you may see and understand where her behaviour is coming from. Good luck and I hope that all works out okay for all of you.

I happen to agree about the hair salon. What`s the problem with her choosing to get her hair done at her regular salon? If that`s what makes her comfortable, then why not? This is a silly thing for you to take offense at.

Thanks for all your replies but the hair salon was only the last straw. My sister is constantly throwing moods where she falls out with me and my brother and our girlfriend as and when she feels like it for months at a time with no reason and no apology. However, we asked her to be bridesmaid as she asked could she and we thought this might mean a new direction for her selfish behaviour. From the beginning of the wedding planning she has been telling my bride what will and wont happen on the day, what dresses she is to buy, where they are to go for the hen night,who she wants invited to the wedding and if these arent all abided by she may drop out at the last minute. So you see the hairdressers is just another thing added to everything else and may I add that it isnt because she doesnt like my fiancee so it`s not because she`s trying to protect her feelings, it because she has said she doesnt want to look like everyone else, she wants to stand out, and no she isnt going to pay for the hairdressers, she has already told my fiancee how much it will cost.

She is taking what is supposed to be mine and my fiancee`s day to become her own out of pure jealousy as she doesnt like it when she isnt the centre of attention and having known the full story and what she has done over the last few years to both my and my brother`s lives, our friends have told us definetly to drop her as regards the bridesmaid.

My problem is that i am not like that and always hope for a better ending and just have my fingers crossed that it works out...any advice now?

Dearest...
As I mentioned to you yesterday, YOU must take control. When I read your first posting I knew that going to a HAIRDRESSER was not the underlying issue. I for one don`t see what the big deal is about going to another hair stylist chosen by the bride once…if that is what the bride would like me to do for uniformity on her special day then I would do it. That really is not a big deal and that is not your spoiled sister’s problem obviously.

You have stated clearly what negative issues your sister is bringing to your wedding bridal party preparations. My only suggestion is weight you options. Having her “in” the wedding will create what and do what for you? And "not" having her in the wedding will create what and do what to you?

Remember she is and always will be your sister, and with that stated her being so doesn`t mean that you have to accept and tolerate her behavior. We all have friends, family members or loved ones who ensue and create drama whenever. This is your wedding day and you should not have to deal with those negative and petty issues. Talk to her, perhaps she will change...IF NOT...then you must do what will make you and your bride the happiest. Truly there is no point in stressing over it. Make a decision and move on. You will be satisfied once you have drawn your line in the sand.

Good Luck…

Thanks denise your advice is really appreciated..

I have to say something...your sister will never change. The reason I am speaking is because of something you said. " I always "think things will change" take my word for it, it never will.
I`ve hoped every year for at least 20 years that "this holiday will be different, this time will be different" & every year I went into a depression over the holidays...so, that changed last year, when I gave up and excepted the reality of THAT PART OF my life.
I am grateful for so much, a great husband (21 years), a fine son, a beautiful home, and everything else, quite frankly...except her!
The last straw was last year and we have not spoken in over a year. (what a great relief, really) Since then, we`ve gotten some AWFUL, mean emails, (you know, the ones that say, "your my sister, I love you...BUT your a jerk and a big baby" (never trust anyone who apologizes with a BUT in the sentence) we don`t answer emails, we don`t even answer the door when she came here unannounced. This may sound harsh, but she dug the hole with her mouth (lies, lies, lies) and now she can live in it! I am in my 40`s she in her 30`s...she is spoiled, jealous, mean, always right, divorced, bitter, she even tried to break up my marriage....and now, she has one less brother and sister...and that, quite frankly is what she deserves. I won`t even accept her apology, it`s too late and she went too far this time.

Let her go... To her own hairdresser, get dressed by herself and lastly... Live with herself, she will only have herself to blame later in life, especially when you won`t want your kids to have anything to do with her because of her irratic behavior.
Please save these messages and give her a copy of them when the wedding is over...let her know just what you went through before YOUR BIG DAY.
I`m sorry you will have a lifetime of this, but you must try to move on and search out the positive side of your life...your new husband and the challenges of that!
Good luck, stay strong.
Pat.