Who Does The Ceremony

It should be their choice, not yours. The style of the ceremony, the location, and the clergy should be the bride and groom`s decision. Using the fact that you are paying in order to get your way isn`t right.

If it bothers you that much to pay for someone of their choice to do the service, then don`t pay for it. I`m sure they`ll figure out a way to pay for the clergy they choose. But don`t use the money against them to force them into using someone you want and they don`t.
By the way, why does it matter to you so much who they want to perform the service? Shouldn`t it matter more to you that they be comfortable and happy with the person? Why so hellbent on having it your way when you are not the one getting married? When the day is done, the only thing that will matter is that they are happily married no matter who performs the service. I don`t think this is a battle you should fight with them about.

Etiquettely speaking, Vicky is correct. It is of course your decision as to what you will pay for and how much. However, that decision should be based on your personal budget, not your personal tastes. The ceremony should be performed by the person of the couple`s choosing. It`s a very personal decision.

I think you missed my point. I am not "hell bent" on having my own way. I was asking, in a polite way, a question on ediquette. You attack my character.

My wife and I were just asking. This is our first daughter`s wedding. My pareants died when I was a kid. When my wife and I married, her parents planned everything and I had no say-so in anything.

I was just asking in a polite way, who plans the wedding? The parents of the bride or the bride. I really have no idea and asked a sincere question.

By the way, in case you haven`t paid for a wedding lately, the clergy is the least of my worries. Try buying a wedding gown, decorate a church, rent out a banquet hall, pay to have it catered, etc.... See, it`s a little more than slipping the clergy a ten spot.

P.S. I forgot about the cost of the cake, the photographer, the announcements or invitations, and whatever else I haven`t thought of.

By the way, I did talk to my preacher at church this morning. He suggested that I find out what my daughter wants and do whatever I can to help her to make it entirely her way.

No problem on my part. I`ll do it. She`s my daughter and I love her. I just want to do what`s right.

So, he answered my question and I have no problem with it whatsoever. See, that`s all I wanted. I am ignorant of how these things are done. Excuse my ignorance. I was only asking and hoped for a more decent reply.

I don`t think that anyone was attacking your character. We are all planning weddings and know how expensive it can be. It is the bride and grooms decision, but your snide remarks towards the youth pastor by referring to him as the other "kid" are disrespectful to his position. A pastor is a pastore whether they are 20 or 60. Your daughter and her fiancee will be married whether they have your pastor do it or their own. They probably want him to perform the ceremony because they feel some kind of a connection to him. I`m sure that they would use your pastor if they didn`t. Nowadays, weddings are usually planned by both the bride and the groom as well as both their families. Usually their paid for by the couple themselves as well. Although you and your wife are paying for the wedding (which is great - a lot of people don`t have that kind of help), you are still doing it for your daughter. Final decisions should be made by her and her future hubby (within reason of course). Watch the movie Father of the Bride to see what you don`t want. You should get some imput, but not all. As for your daughter and future son in law though. My concern would be the fact that you say he is controlling of her. I would suggest perhaps some pre wedding counselling (by your pastor if need be) to find out if they are truly ready and able to be married. Does your daughter feel that he contols her? A woman should never be controlled by her spouse (@80% of controlling relationships lead to physical violence). A marriage is an equal partnership, not a 80/20 give and take ratio. If you want your pastor to have an important role, prewedding counselling would be THE most important role he could do. It could prevent your daughter from making a big mistake or help her to realize the strength of their love. There is no shame, where I am from, it is manditory before every wedding. Good luck, calm down and remember to take some time to relax in the middle of all the planning. Just remember to focus on your daughter`s happiness.

Decent comment. Thanks.

As far as the youth minister, I didn`t mean any disrespect towards him by me calling him a "kid." Calling him a kid to his face would probably not offend him.

He has no schooling beyond high school. He was a youth minister in one church for about one year, then they moved to another state.

Makes me wonder if my use of the words "Youth Minster" is correct. He is not an ordained or licensed minister. (Our youth minster at our church is working on his masters at a seminary.) This youth minster is not legal to perform a wedding. I do appreciate that he tries to work with the youth in the church. I appreciate his efforts.

I called him a kid, meaning that he is a young, inexperienced person. Kid.... Young person.... What`s the difference? I guess to you, maybe, a "kid" would suggest a child. I think of a kid as someone who is young. Teenager..... Early 20s maybe. I enlisted in the army when I was 17, and I enlisted to go to Nam. I was 17. A kid making a stupid mistake.

Anyway, this kid, (youth minister), is not legal to marry anyone anyway. Adam wants this guy to do the wedding and then have our ordained minister sign the marriage license. (Adam`s decision.) I talked to my pastor about it, and he said that the only way he (my pastor) would sign the license is if he could have the part at the end where he now pronounces them husband and wife. Then it would be legal and he can sign the license. He`s ok with the youth minister doing the rest of the cerimony. My wife and I are ok with that now too.

Different backgrounds have different cultural settings for the weddding cerimony and receptions, etc..... I was just trying to get imput on what to do in our situation. Just looking for some feedback. Ever see "My Big Fat Greek Wedding?"

I just noticed all the stuff I wrote. Sorry for the book. The situation is settled. My daughter has the guy she wants, and she will have the wedding cerimony she wants. The bill`s on me. No problem.

Jack

I`m sorry that you thought I was rude and attacked your character. I only answered the question you asked, and I felt my response was quite polite. Regarding the finances, you in fact made that part of your question. You did ask that since you were paying the bill do you also get to choose who will perform the ceremony. I was referring to ALL aspects of the wedding and trying to make clear that the clergy was included when I answered that your paying should be basically based on your budget. In other words, technically yes - it is your money so it`s your decision, but the RIGHT thing to do would be to let them select the pastor they prefer. I`m sorry for the misunderstanding. I`m glad you spoke to your pastor though and things are figured out now. I`m sure your daughter`s wedding will be lovely.

Hi Linda,

I`m sorry if you thought I was attacking you. I wasn`t. I appreciated your comments. You seemed very nice. I was being flamed by someone else and commented to that. As I said in my original post, I knew that I was going to get flamed, so I asked for people not to do that. They didn`t listen. I always get flamed and called names whenever I post to any board. That type of people is always out there. I expect it.

I asked a question or two about who pays for what and who has the say so as to how things are to go. A lot more got answered that what I thought should have, including how controling my future son in law is.

My daughter was mad at me because I questioned her fiance`s decision about something last night, so they stayed gone all day today. They finally dropped in on us this evening at 9:30. We visited for a minute and then told them what my pastor said about their friend doing the wedding. And my pastor could do the legal stuff and sign the license. If their friend got licensed and could do the whole show, then hit it. No problems here.

They said that they called their friend today, and he said that he can`t make it up for the wedding anyway.

They made the offer of letting our pastor do the whole thing. So, things worked out for the best, including the 12 counceling sessions.

It should be a nice wedding. Jamie can plan what she wants as far as I can afford it.

Now, to get the oldest daughter out of the house.

Love,
Jack

Dear Jack:
Sad to say, the issue of your future son-in-law being "very controlling" of your daughter should worry you more than anything! This will cause many problems in the future and who marries them seems to be the least of any one`s worries. It`s being married that is the hardest part...they need a lot of counseling...and you cannot help, because probably you or your wife controlled her during her childhood and now she has moved on to a controlling boyfriend. I know this sounds very harsh...I`m not judging you or them...BUT...you opened the door with your many time of speaking of him as controlling. I hope she has an opportunity to live her life, have her own career, go out of the house when she wants and have her own opinions.
If I noticed my son controlling a girlfriend, I would intervine, especially for her sake...this is not a good start .
Be careful and good luck.

Just because I didn`t go into all the advising issues that my wife and I have had with our daughter and her fiance`, doesn`t mean that it didn`t happen.

Most daughters find a husband who is on a control trip because the bride`s father was controlling. No so here. When she was a child, I disciplined her and made her do what was right, as all parents do, but she dressed the way she wanted, she chose her own friends, etc....

Whatever we teach or instruct our children..... They still have a mind of their own and will choose whoever they want. Who knows, she might have chosen someone controlling because I was so permissive?

Well, I started to go into this issue, but I went back and deleted a few paragraphs. My initial question was answered by my pastor and another lady on this site about the wedding issue. I wanted to know the ediquette, cultural and ethical answer to a question. I have that answer and everyone is at peace with it.

Jamie`s mind is made up. All I can do now is back her up on her decision. That`s all I can do. For me to do more would for me to be caught up in the control trip myself. I won`t do that to my daughter. There`s nothing me or you can do about my daughter`s choice about who she is going to marry.

Hopefully, things will work out. She`s an adult and can make her own decisions. I`m only here for advise now, and I`ve given that. To push further would be for me to be into this control trip.

Jack