How To Include A Deceased Parent

Lost my wife two months ago and have the same problem. Wish to recognize wife at my son`s bar mitzvah

Sometimes a special flower arrangement or a candle is used. Also, I`ve seen a tribute song played for the decesased.

My mom died from breast cancer one year before my wedding and it was really important to me to have her included in my day (we were exceptionally close).

So this is what I did:

-I had a photo of her on the small table at the altar
-We were married in an old mansion so we put our family photos all over the mantels and such. This included my parent`s wedding photo and other treasured pictures of her.
-I used her wedding band for the ceremony
-I included a dedication in our program to her that mentioned how much she was loved and how we wish she could be there with us.

I did not take it lightly that she was not there with me so I wanted everyone to know that I would not have been there that day if not for this incredible woman.

I wish you the best of luck, I know it can a be a hard day but your parent would want you to have a joyous wedding. So have fun!

I hope this helps.

My Fiance and I wanted to find a way to include my Mother and his brother into the ceremony for our wedding in March of next year. We are having everything in Las Vegas and it was a little hard to even find a ceremony site that would allow us to include anything. What we are doing is having a side table in the chapel near the alter w/ photos of each person, a memorial candle with a poem and personalized with their names, and a small bowl of flowers next to each picture. The person performing the ceremony is also going to include their names and sentiments into the ceremony. All of this will also be on display near the guest book at the reception.
It`s hard enough not having them here on earth with us any longer. I couldn`t imagine not including them in some way. They would be high profile if they were alive, why not now as well.

Suitable answers to this depend a bit on how recently the loss of a loved one occurred.

The responses posted here are all very good. I`ve read, in addition, of placing an empty chair at the ceremony site, representing 1 or many who can`t be present.

My husband & I create & perform customized ceremonies. Recognizing the importance of the community in a "Welcome to Guests" is something we recommend; & in so doing, we always ask whether a mention should be made of the community members who can`t be present -- just as a general mention, or by name.

We happened to perform wedding ceremonies right after 3 catastrophic events (2 public, 1 private).

The first, the day following the collapse of a Delaware River pier in Philadelphia, with our ceremony occurring on the adjacent pier. Boats trawled for bodies as the wedding took place. We didn`t acknowledge it ... I wish we had.

The second, several days after 9/11. The location was an Inn frequented by the copilot killed in the PA crash. And the evening before, 2 intended members of a wedding party had died in the Towers. With our couple`s permission, we added several paragraphs to the Welcome, acknowledging the sorrow gripping us all, then transitioning into a more celebratory tone.

The third was more private & concerned a Valentine`s Day wedding this year. The groom`s Best Man, his brother, decided to go through with his role, though his wife had just died "in childbirth" the week before. The couple asked us to help with this. Ultimately we all agreed on a simple recognition of this reality that just had to be noted in some way.

Here`s how it happened. We were to light the tapers in 2 candelabras that marked the site. Walter lit the first`s. He then went to a nearby table, where he lit a votive, saying something like: "This candle represents Laura, the groom`s sister-in-law, & ___`s wife, who died last week. She is here with us in spirit." (Audible gasps.) Walter then lit the 2nd candelabra`s tapers, while I quickly coordinated the Processionals from the back, before joining him in performing the ceremony.

Later, family members in this latter ceremony expressed appreciation that Laura`s death hadn`t just been ignored.

Sorry ... I`m rambling! Getting too tired.

Best advice: go with your heart on how best to include loved ones no longer here. And, if necessary, be insistent with your minister/rabbi/priest/imam/officiant when it comes to including what you want re this. (We heard of a minister who, having refused a bride`s request for a prayer for her just-dead grandmom, had to deal with her tearfulness throughout the whole ceremony.)

Regards,
Bon

My dad passed away two years before I got married and he was very much a part of my life. I did several things...I tied my dad`s wedding band into my bouquet. This was basically my own tribute to him, it wasn`t very visible. I also carried a yellow rose and placed it in a crystal vase on the altar. I have seen people place a picture of their loved one on a stand/easel somewhere on the altar...you could also place a lit candle next to the picture.

Leila,
I have posted this before, but both my parents and my fiance`s parents have passed so what we are doing is we have a photo of each (it just happens to be their wedding photos). We have put them into a hinged frame on an easel and we are going to light a candle in their memory right after the unity candle. Our minister is a long time family friend of my fiance`s so he is going to give a prayer and hopefully will share something special.
This is an indvidual choice, I have even been told that I was making my ceremony into a memorial. I do not see it that way. I think anything that you do to make a loved one that has passed a part of the day can only be a wonderful thing to do.
Good luck, I am sure that you will find what works for you.