Mother In Law To Be Problems!! HELP!
I wrote about butterflies before, read the great responces in mine and other requests..so decided to ask a more personal question. My fioncee tells me that he dosent like giving me ideas about the wedding because he knows they are tacky and mine would be much better. That is fine with me or it was, but now when I ask him if he likes something, hell say yes, then hell go to his moms house and tell her my idea and she will not like it, so now he changes his mind and dosent like it anymore. She has been trying to turn my wedding into her day since we got engaged and she playes it off by saying...I dont want to cause any problems. Then he will talk to her and fells bad telling her he dosent like her idea or ideas, whatever she has at the moment, so he agrees with her just to be nice and hell come home and tell me then when I say I dont like them, she gets mad. I dont know what to do. So far, this is what she has tried to convince me of... The colors of my wedding dont match (I changed them because of her), she had her mom buy, make and send centerpieces that look cute, but not for a wedding to my house and said I have to use them, told my fioncee that I have to wear the necklace that she wore at her wedding(it is fake costume jewlery and really ugly), she told him that she dosent want my sisters kids at the rehersal dinner because she is paying for it, she told me that I have to use silk flowers because of his grandmothers allergies on all tables instead of just the grandmothers table (which I gave in to), she said that her and her mother are making the wedding cake (which I gave into..I dont even know if they know how to make a wedding cake) The sad part is, me and his mom have been getting along very well for the past 5 years now and Its like all of a sudden, she dosent care about the actual act of her son and I getting married, just what SHE wants the wedding to look like. Not to mention the fact that she made a strong suggestion to my fioncee about how much money my family should spend on the wedding. Saying we have to use her ideas cause they are cheap and we dont have the money for it. We dont have much money, but that dosent mean we have to use tacky ideas. Any suggestions?
Posted by Love; updated 10/15/03
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It is your wedding. Not hers, let her be in charge of rehersal dinner.
Posted by judy jay; updated 10/15/03
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I have had the same situation with my future mom in law. I too have gotten along with her for the 3 years my fiancee and i have been together. I realize she is trying to help because she is excited, and i do want to involve her. However, i also want the wedding that i have always dreamed about. By the way, my future mom in law also told me i can`t have my sisters kids (i told her they were coming, end of discussion) and how much my family should spend. I eventually (after 3 months of fighting) have smoothed it out with her. I had to covet the support of her sister and relatives, but she eventually realized that some things just were not going to be the way she wanted them. Stand your ground, just know when to pick your battles. Let her have "her" way on a few small details and she will be more appeased for it. Let her think she has some control, but really keep a tight rein on it. I also had a long talk with her (after we started speaking again) and told her that she was hurting me by all the fighting. I told her that i wanted her involved but i couldn`t have her involved in the planning if she was going to disagree with everything i wanted (oh, by the way, we also bickered about colours. She liked my blue and lilac hydrangeas for the bridesmaids, but wanted BROWN tuxedos! THAT i told her, would never happen). Just make sure you keep your wits about you and try not to lose your temper. Talk to your finacee about the stress it is causing you - but don`t make him pick sides - he will resent you for that. Good luck to you honey, i know how you feel. Keep us posted on the mogzilla!
Posted by Sarah; updated 10/15/03
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I will go ahead and tell you what is probably going to happen with the mol....I have a mol just like yours. We got along fine until my husband and I got married which was five years ago.Now we have a 21 month old baby and until the last few months the mol was a total witch about everything! She lives in another state(thank God)but when we see her,she tells us what to do and not do with our child,what to dress him in,and tons more...let`s just put it this way,she thinks that she carried him for nine months and acts as if we are the babysitters. I know this message can`t go into detail about what all she`s done , so it doesn`t seem like much that she has done,but I would be here all day if I listed everything! But what made her stop is that we put our foot down...HARD!!!! We told her if she doesn`t start behaving the right way and let us do our job as parents then we just won`t be coming to visit anymore until she can act right. So, what I`m telling you,you are going to have to put your foot down and let her know that this is your day not hers...you know that old saying about give an inch ,take a mile....I wouldn`t even let her have control of small things in your ceremony. If she comes up with ideas that you like,great! But please don`t feel obligated to cave in to her ideas if you don`t like them.I did it for too long and let her get away with alot of things,and now I feel really bad that I didn`t put my foot down sooner.Also, I would let your fiance` know that he needs to quit straddling the fence....either get on your side or the mothers. I`m not saying he can`t like his mother`s ideas,but he shouldn`t be going back and forth and telling different things to the two of you. Hope this and your other replies help....I know how you must feel and it will probably only get worse if you don`t do something soon.Just remember this is going to be your special day and no one else`s. You are going to remember this day for the rest of your life,you don`t want to look back and think (with sorrow) I wish I had used the colors I wanted or anything else that the mol wanted in YOUR WEDDING. Good luck to you. Let us know what happens.
Posted by D; updated 10/19/03
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Thank you for all who replied... You have been a big help. Im still frusterated. I can`t exactly talk to my fioncee about it. I dont want to upset him by telling him that I have to get a little tough withhis mom. I dont know if I want to do that, its likley that If I say something before the wedding, mean that is, she wont come and my fioncee will not like that one bit. The woman would cry to herhusband after I was done talking to her and he would yell at my fioncee like he was a little kid. But if anyone would like to e-mail me directly, I would appreciate someone to talk to. I dont have many friends anymore.. Ive been too busy with work and other family problems for the past several years. Thanks again
Posted by Love; updated 10/19/03
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Sorry..e-mail address is butterflyinflorida@yahoo.com
Posted by Love; updated 10/19/03
