MAID OF HONOR

Sandy, first off, I`m sorry this is happening to you - it must be quite stressful.

When a soon-to-be-bride asks one of her friends to be a part of the wedding party, they have the option to decline. Sometimes it`s due to finances (ie, cost of dress, maybe flying in for the wedding, etc) and other times they just don`t feel they can commit themselves to being in a wedding due to other things happening in their lives. Typically the MOH has additional responsibilities to assist the bride with -- invitiations, showers, wedding favors. Although the amount of assistance provided by the MOH varies with each bride so that may or may not be a factor in this case.

It`s unfortunate that your friend doesn`t feel she is up for the stress associated with being a MOH. I would still invite her to your wedding. Let her know that you are sorry she isn`t up for the role and that you really value her friendship and wanted her to a part of the wedding party. Maybe she`d rather be a bridesmaid instead of the MOH or perhaps a reader, greeter, or personal attendant.

I wouldn`t not invite her though to the wedding. She`s still your friend even though she choses not to be a MOH.

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you!

Your friend was honest with you. She`s not up for the responsibilites and that is her decision. It doesn`t mean she isn`t your friend or that she doesn`t care about you. Perhaps she would just feel better attending your wedding as a guest and being there to share your day. There isn`t any need for you to take her "no thanks" as an insult to yourself.

I understand all the different circumstances that you guys are posing, but, the wedding is self-contained with a coordinator taking care of everything. The amount of guests is 55 and all she had to do was show up. She told me that she would feel stressed about making a speech. My response was that she didn`t have to do it in the first place. When i finally told her she was off the hook from doing it, she said "I`m really flattered though?!" Then she asked if there were going to be some stuff that she could help with. No duh, you said no to that role. This girl calls me almost every night for chit chat and guidance. I feel betrayed in a sense. Am i wrong to feel this?

No, you`re not wrong for feeling as you do. You feel what you feel and that`s that. If I were in your shoes (and I realize I`m not) I would push those feelings aside. I would realize that for whatever reason she definitely feels that she cannot take on the maid of honor duties. Respect her decision, give her something else to do if she wants, and then let it go. If there are other things in your friendship that are troublesome to you, then perphaps the friendship needs to be reevaluated. But if the sole source of your hurt and frustration is her declining the maid of honor roll, then it`s time for you to really let her off the hook - which means stop torturing yourself about it. I understand that we all want certain people and we tend to think that of course they will be honored and say YES! But try to look at it from a different angle and instead of being hurt and offended or pissed off, be thankful that she was straight up with you and convince yourself that her reasons (whatever they are) are valid and having nothing to do with you personally.

I can totally relate to your problem. My friend of almost ten years has just told me that she cannot be my maid of honor. Her sister is getting married a month or so after and she is the maid of honor for her wedding. She feels it is going to be to much for her. I am really offended that she isn`t going to be in mine, but more offended with the way she handled it. She didn`t apologize or anything. I am now having troubles filling that spot. I now have to ask one of my bridesmaids and I feel like they may be insulted that they weren`t my first choice. I understand that it is her sister, but I feel she could of been in both.

To respond to your email:
Now, she has been calling me and emailing insisting that I resolve issues because I am not so quick to email or call her back as before. In my mind, it`s settled. My family is shocked that this girl rejected my invitation to become maid of honor and it is very humiliating, honestly. That I have placed this girl so high but she can`t do the same. As for your situation, I`d like to hear more details to better understand.

You girls are petty and selfish. Understand that the world doesn`t revolve around you and your wedding and it`s not an insult to decline a place in the wedding party.

To: Oh Brother
Who are you to judge whether or not we are selfish or not. That is not your place to say and it amazes me that you think you are better than us. Give me a break!!!!

Who are you to judge these women and try and make the world think they are horrible people just because they declined to be in your wedding? Your own friend is going to be in her sister`s wedding a month later and has told you that it will be too much for her to be in both weddings . And all you can think about is that she didn`t apologize to you. For gosh sakes, stop being so darn narcissistic, selfish and judgemental yourself. Get over it.

To OH BROTHER,
When it comes to our particular friendship, it was always understood that asking her to be my maid of honor (which by the way is to just show up / stand there and party like everyone else (there is no other other wedding party) was a sisterly request. To decline meant that a component from the friendship scale is absent from one end. The obligation to go far and distant diminishes fast. The relationship is not the same and no one is throwing stones at these lacky maid of honors but heck can`t they try to maybe put something back on the scale to even things out? also, a wedding is (if you haven`t noticed) an extremely narcissistic time. I am not a showy person and have series problems with some of the narcissistic traditions that I have to fight from using. Therefore, I am very aware of the ego involved. I didn`t write the rule book and I am typically not a follower of trend but my friend is. Nobody is judging these women but they know what they did by their actions or lack thereof.

Man it`s no wonder she doesn`t want to be your bridesmaid. You come off sounding like a total spoiled brat! Do you feel some sense of entitlement about your wedding? Maybe you are right about the friendship. Maybe she`s just had it with you already. Move on.

Why are the insensitive (oh brother, move on) comments making replies on this website. I have moved on but she still needs to want to talk to me everyday and wants the same relationship. I haved moved on listening to some great advice from earlier in this posting. Thanks guys. I mailed out an invitation to her and hope she attends. This is very hurtful but I am trying to be mature about it. I just can`t have the same relationship and she probably won`t come to my wedding. I think it is over and I should move on.

Perhaps her reason`s where financial. It is expensive to attend an out of state wedding, let alone be a part of it. There is the cost of the dress, shoes, hair, etc. Let alone the multiple trips to your state to have that all done and arranged prior to the wedding. As maid of honor, she would also be responsible for a wedding shower, bachelorette party, etc. Just because she said no doesn`t mean that she was trying to hurt your feelings or destroy your friendship, I`m betting that she was telling the truth. Money issues can be extremely stressful. If you were a real friend to her, you would never have jumped to conclusions about her reasons. A friend would be understanding and find someone else they care about. She probably didn`t want to admit if it was for finances because it`s private and doesn`t want you to think less of her.

"I have moved on but she still needs to want to talk to me everyday and wants the same relationship. "

"I just can`t have the same relationship and she probably won`t come to my wedding. I think it is over and I should move on."

Sandy, it`s comments like the quotes above that I think make others see you as harsh or bratty. I don`t think you are either, but I do think you are hurt and misguided. Your friend calls you all the time and wants the same relationship obviously because she doesn`t see not being your moh as and end to the friendship. And it shouldn`t be! Stop seeing her decision as an insult to you or an end to your relationsip and start seeing it for what it really is. For whatever reason she cannot accept the position but obviously she cares about you and wants to remain your friend. She hasn`t done anything wrong. But you are doing something wrong by possibly ending a good frienship over something that won`t matter in the long run. I hope you will reconsider this issue. If you don`t then it`s possible she won`t come to your wedding because you will have made her so uncomfortable about this.