DIVORCED PARENTS, HELP!!!

Don`t leave a loving mother out of her son`s wedding. Put yourself in her shoes for a moment. You would never admit to your son that it is killing you but it would inside. Make sure she is the one who has that special dance with her son and not the stepmother when you dance with the father of your groom.
This is your day and your fiancee and if his dad loves him for one day personal feelings can be put aside for your celebration.

You may seat his mother with your parents at their table. All the parents do not have to sit at the same table at your reception it is alright to mix the couples with close friends. You can put your fiancee father and stepmother at a table with their close friends or yours, and your fiancee mother with your parents as an honored guest. You can also put her in the wedding line up. This is proper to do.

This is a pretty common issue these days isn`t it?

I had the same issue at my wedding. My parents have been divorced for over 15 years, and my dad has remarried. I wouldn`t call the three of them friends, but they are able to be civil on the few occassions that they have to be in the same room.

What I ended up doing for my wedding: My dad`s wife was the last person to be seated, as the mother would be in a traditional wedding. I included my mom in a bigger part by walking down the aisle with both her and my dad. Mom sat in the front row with my brother, while my dad sat with his wife one pew behind. At the reception, they were at different tables. Mom was with my fiance`s parents and other family members from her and my fiance`s side, while dad and his wife sat with his relatives.


Hope this helps!


K

Ok....What should I do if all the parents are divorced on my side and my fin. Side. The parents dont get alone at all with each. I mean my dad and my Fin dad get alone just fine. They just dont get alone with the people they divorced.

We were thinking of sending letters to both groups and telling......if they cant put their feelings aside for a day or so...then they are not welcome at the wedding. I know that sounds mean, but we are pretty sure they will say something to each other.

What do yall think!! If you cant tell Im from Texas! LOL!

Ugh, I am dealing with the same thing. Mom and Dad are divorced, Dad remarried and Stepmom gets pissed if we don`t treat her like a mom even though if you walked into their house you`d think they only had two kids, there isn`t a picture of me or my sister anywhere. But we suck it up for the sake of holidays, etc. Anyhoo, I am going to seat my mom with her best friends, my "Uncle" and my Godparents. My dad can sit with his wife and some of his friends. It`s just the receiving line I`m freaking about. I really don`t want her in it but she`ll get all "hurt" so I`m thinking just skip the receiving line altogether. However, I`ve heard it`s improper etiquette NOT to have a receiving line if you have more than 50 guests. Then there`s the dismissing every row option which I`ve heard people really hate. Well the wedding is not for a year so I`ll cross that bridge when I get to it...

Kate,

Honey, I know exactly how you feel! My parents are divorced and my dad remarried what I call "The Brown Evil Leather Couch" -- she`s all tan and wrinkly and meaner than snot. She too is pushy and wants to turn my wedding into `her day.`

I`m sure this won`t be popular advice but oh well.....Personally, I would recommend that you go about the day and not really recognize the "stepmother" but not ignore her either. That way, you aren`t excluding her -- but not making a fuss over her. You`re essentially putting her into her place -- a place you deem is appropriate for her. (by the way, I hear ya on the idea of sending the `stepmom` to the back of the room --- my dad`s leather couch should sit out in the lobby area as the coat-check lady for all I`m concerned)

Have the mother-son dance, the father-daughter dance (thus no place for the step-mother)--- have his Mom sit with your parents during the meal -- don`t have the stepmother in the receiving line -- have her only in minimal pictures -- don`t list her on the ceremony program -- give her a smaller coursage -- don`t allow her to give a toast -- don`t mention her in your toast either, instead you could say some incredibely kind words about your fiance`s mother. Also, make a big fuss over your fiance`s real mother -- go on and on about how gorgeous she looks -- insist on having her in many pictures -- spend as much time with her as possible -- give her a special gorgeous corsage or tussy-mussy -- be sure to introduce her to everyone you know.

Ok, I`m sure some people may be thinking I`m not nice (I really am though) -- but honestly, people who`s parents are divorced and one parent remarried "Satan-in-disguise" can understand the step-factor and how it affects weddings. I look at it this way -- my mother is wonderful, has always been there for me and deserves to have the spotlight also on her as the Mother of the Bride. I don`t want that spotlight at all taken off her because my dad married a leather couch.

Again, I want to reiterate that I am not recommending that you ignore the woman -- that would not be right and it may make you look bad. But, there is nothing wrong with giving this woman very minimal attention and including her in very minimal things.

If she was a kind, caring person things would different, you may have the desire to include her on more things.

Good luck and my heart goes out to you -- I know how hard this is!

Kate,
I know this is hard. My first wedding had a situation similar but where the parents had not seen each other for years and both remarried. Fortunately, it worked out.
With your situation, you mentioned his Dad was nice. Why not take him aside ( you and your fiance or just your fiance) and explain to him your dilema. I`m sure he`s noticed his wife does not speak kindly of his son. Let him know you want to include him as much as possible because he is a wonderful father but his step-mother is just that.. A mother in name only. Maybe he can keep her calm or inline ( so to speak) at the wedding.
I do like the idea of having both parents walk you down the aisle. I have seen grooms have their parents walk them down too. Why not have your fiance`s parents do that? Or maybe have just the parents ( BIRTH Parents) light the unity candles at the beginning of the ceremony. Whether or not the step-mom likes it, it was your birth parents who joined to bring you into the world.
Another idea , give the birth mothers roses from the brides bouquet as you walk back down the aisle as husband and wife. Why not do all 3?
I am like Kay, usually very nice but when it comes to "wicked step-mothers" I have no sympathy. If they can`t be an added bonus to the family, they have no right to be "honoured" at the wedding.
I am soon to be a step-mother myself and I already treat his children like my own. While I did not give birth to them, there`s nothing that says I can`t love them like I did! If she treated your fiance like that, by all means treat her like you would his mother. Otherwise, let her take the back seat on your wedding day!
Ann, as far as that step-mother issue in your family, I would make it a point to give my Dad framed pictures of me and my sister at every holiday!! Just make it part of your gift! If they fail to make it up in a room, I would just keep making the pictures and frames bigger each time. After a few years of this and still no pictures, I would say ( in earshot of the step mom) "Dad, what happened to all the pics Sis and I gave you?" Watch the sparks fly! hehe I am bad , I know!

Sissy,

I think you did a fabulous job summing up the entire problem with the statement of "If they can`t be an added bonus to the family, they have no right to be "honoured" at the wedding." You are SO right. I never thought of it that way -- but you`re so right. I could never figure out why my issue with the step-mom bothered me so much -- but you hit it right on the head.

That is the bottom line of the whole problem here. If they can`t add anything, they shouldn`t be honoured!

Thank you, by answering Kate`s orignal question, you helped me too!

Glad I could be of help!
If there`s anything I`ve learned over the years with step families, you DO NOT have to be "blood related" to be family!! Likewise, just because someone shares DNA, does not make them family!
Those who deserve to get recognition on those special days should... Regardless of who they are! Same with those who do not! :-)

Well said! For those of us with crazy step-families we know how hard it is to get married and keep our sanity.

Hey Sissy,

Thanks for your advice. My sister and I have actually already done that. I framed a picture of him and the two of us as kids and gave it to him, and then last year my sister had black and white pics taken of us and framed a couple and gave them to him. Unfortunately, there are many issues stemming deeper than just what has been stated here, and only an extremely talented psychiatrist (and my sister is actually a master`s in clinical psych) can deal with our family (such a long and extremely complex story and still encountering "crap" to this moment). I really appreciate you addressing my issue, though. It`s tough for all of us with broken families. I just laughed, though, at the reference to a step mom being referred to as a leather couch!

Ann - the leather couch step mother is unfortunately mine. That woman belongs on the showroom floor of Slumberland! I think she sleeps in a tanning bed and it isn`t giving her a `nice natural glow.`

It`s just unfortunate that she is so darn evil! She contributes nothing to our family - she only ruins every important event.

Well Ann, Keep giving the pictures! I`m sure your dad would appreciate them even if your step-mother does not! If he has one, give him one for the office. :-) You didn`t go into detail about the family but whatever the issue just be sure Dad knows how much you love him! She can always be replaced as a wife but you and your sister will always be his children!
As far as everyone else goes, I wish you all the best on your special day. Do not let anyone change or ruin what you decide or plan! NO ONE! It is YOUR day! :-)