Wedding Dinner - Guests Pay

I don`t think it`s an invitation if you`re requiring them to pay for themselves. You know what I mean? An invitation is to invite someone to a party, to dinner, to your wedding and except for the "BYOB" or "please bring a dish to pass" it`s assumed that everything is taken care of for you and all you need to do is show up. I think you`ll have to go a different route with this one. You might have to have a family friend organize it and send out the invite "We`re meetng at such and such a place on such and such a date to celebrate so and so`s marraige...rsvp to Aunt Ruth" (who would then make the reservations at the restaurant or wherever). I`m just trying to think, if you sent out the invitations yourself and mentioned the guests paid for themselves but then accepted gifts from them that might look a little off-kilter, you know what I mean? I think the best way is to have someone do the invites on your behalf. You guys would be the guests of honor and someone would probably pick up your tab. Just keep in mind that a lot of restaurants have a policy that tables over 6 do not get separate checks (it really is a pain in the for the server and takes forever to separate them and run the cards and get change). Our computer system won`t let you go past 4 separate checks. So you might want to check that policy out at well. Hope this helps at least a little.

We just did something similar for my parent`s anniversary and didn`t include anything more than the restaurant- my family normally does things this way- grandmas` 80th birthday ect. A few people asked me about it when they called and no one was offended. My parents did get presents and people paid for their own dinners. We paid for my parents and brought the cake.
I made for a pretty relaxed day.

I think with a wedding it`s a little bit different than say a birthday party or anniversary. You really should not invite people to your wedding and then expect them to pay their own dinner. Come on, it`s only twelve people...... You should just pay.

Ask them not to bring gifts. If they feel the need for a gift please hepl with the dinner to celabrate the joining of two people... If you ask for a gift and them to help they WILL be offended.

Its close friends and family right? Why not call them up and ask what they think? 12 people should be pretty easy to poll.

Call them up and ask them what they think about coming to her wedding then buying their own dinners? I think that`s just putting them on the spot. What do you think they`ll say.. "uhh.. Okay, no problem". They`ll probably go ahead and grin and bare it and pay for themselves. But it makes you look stingy. TWELVE PEOPLE!!!! That`s not a big deal! PAY FOR IT!!!! IIf taking care of dinner for twelve really has you in this much upheaval that you would actually even consider asking your guests to pay, then call the restaurant manager and discuss a prix fix menu so that you know what the bill will be in advance.

I agree.....you can`t invite someone to a wedding and then ask them to pay for the food. Couldn`t you put on the invitation dessert or light reception following. Have a few platters of finger foods and punch. Or around here alot of pizza type places have rooms that you can rent and I bet you could have something for less that $250.00. I think you need to reconsider asking them to a restaurant and telling them they are paying for it! Maybe if you sit your parents down and tell them, they will split it with you or something. Good luck, let us know what you decided!

Wow, i dont know where the above people are from or what era but what you are proposing is very common, we are doing it as well as many others that have, we included in the envolope with the invite a small card that said:

As we have already established our home we would like to request your own payment of your meal in lieu of a wedding gift. The meal will be a two course carvery style and will consist of a choice of two meats and vegetables and two desserts. Tea and coffee is included in this price, as well as table drinks. The cost will be $20.oo per person and is payable on or by the RSVP date on your inviation. Hope you are able to attend and help us celebrate this very special day.

So that is what we are having and it works well, so many are doing it like that now so please dont feel bad, it helps you out and also the person being invited as they no longer need to find you a wedding gift. I must add though it would be rude to ask for there payment and a gift also, ok hope all works well, cheers

I can`t even believe what I just read. LOL LOL LOL LOL!!!! Like the person a few posts above said, your guests will probably grin and bear it. But it`s still an awful thing to do. And why do people seem to think that just because others are doing it that it`s the new thing and perfectly acceptable? Bad manners occur all the time, they are nothing new. But bad manners are still bad manners. Putting something like that in your invitation I`m sorry to say is beyond tactless. But I`m sure your relatives love you so they will go ahead and pay and hold their tongues.

Well Lindalee that was an out burst and a half, and very rude also. I am and so are my relatives happy with my wedding arangements, ok and we certainly do not need your input into the matter, i was just expressing my beliefs and did not and was not directing it to you or anyone else. I suggest if you have nothing decent to say in regards to the question the lady has asked above and you would rather comment on other peoples advise then do it else where, not in here.

I have to agree with lindalee here, although it wasn`t put all that tactfully. I believe an invitation should be just that, an invitation to have people join you in celebration of your marraige. A lot of people (especially those of the older population) would be VERY offended to be asked to pay for their own meal at a wedding. It`s not like your going out for a birthday dinner or something where people call each other up to make arrangements. You are sending invitations which implies that their meal is included, to state otherwise is offensive and rude. Perhaps if you can`t afford to accomodate and feed your guests, you should elope or hold a less formal cocktail or luncheon later. Or perhaps have a potluck wedding (which isn`t in bad manners as they will have extra selection - most people realize how important it is to save $$ nowadays). However, asking guests at a wedding to pay (instead of a gift, which implies that you EXPECT a gift) is rude. Gifts should never be expected, and a loved ones presence should be present (pun intended) enough. It should also be noted that most people on here aren`t trying to hurt anyones feelings or offend anyone`s choices for their weddings, it is simply a discussion about ettiquette and what people find appropriate and not. I suggest when in doubt, look honestly from an outside perspective and say "if i were invited to someone`s wedding and ... How would i feel?" i have done this with my wedding and have found many times where i have changed my mind from that of a `bridezilla` to that of an open individual.
All i`m saying in reference to this post is that if you can`t afford to have the wedding as a generous host(ess), than don`t have it or scale it down so that those lucky few who do score and invite don`t feel obligated to you - a guest should feel welcome, not awkward.

Kylie I`m sorry that people have hurt your feelings. We all are trying to do our best with our weddings. None of us want to offend our guests or embarrass ourselves of course! But most of us (including me) don`t know everything. That`s what this board is here for, so it`s best to listen sometimes even if you don`t want to hear it. Linda Lou was definitely not good with her attitude, but she is correct in that it`s not the right thing to to do to at a wedding. I think most of us agree but Sarah has said it best. Something interesting though, that you are able to immediately recognize rudeness written in a message post but you are blind to the rudeness written in a wedding invitation informing your guests that they are responsible for paying for their food.

Everybody has been concentrating on how rude this request is, and I suppose it is rude to ask your guests to pay for their own dinner. But there may be a way to make it a little less rude. Conspire with a close friend and have her plan the party. She can make phone calls and tell people how she feels really bad because the bride and groom can`t afford a real party and wouldn`t it be nice if they could get a nice group of friends and family together to take the bride and groom out to dinner. She can make it clear that presents aren`t expected but paying for dinner would be nice. This way, she is making the party for you and you aren`t directly asking people to pay for their own meals.

Nahhh. I`m in agreement with the others. There`s really no acceptable way to ask guests to pay for the wedding food. You should just be a gracious host and serve whatever you can afford.

Way to be judgemental and closeminded. Some of the best parties are when many people contribute- not just when 2 people go broke.

I would rather be invited to a loved one`s wedding supper and pay for myself than miss it because they couldn`t afford to have me. I bet all twelve people in her party feel the same way. I would also rather pay for myself at a nice restaurant than have them cook spagetti for 12 guests in their one room apartment on their wedding day because that`s all they could afford to do.

After deciding I did not want a formal sit down dinner reception (even though my Mom would pay for it) I don`t think its rude that we are only having a cake and punch reception with a champagne toast. The month before the wedding we are having a casual "engagement party", no gifts expected, where we are serving food and alcohol that my family will cook and serve. Is that tacky or seen as cheap? Feeding 150 people mediocre food @ $25/plate doesn`t sit well with me!!

There`s nothing wrong with cake and punch. My fiance and I are grad students with very little money. Both my parents have passed away and his parents are not at all financially stable. So we have no help. I`m poor as a church mouse but the thought never even entered my mind to stick my wedding guests with dinner bills. We just saved what we could little by little and we have enough to do a light dessert buffet with champagne, coffee and punch.

I don`t think it matters what you serve. What matters is that you are a gracious host and warm and hospitable to your guests.

The rule of thumb is do not put on a wedding that you can`t afford. Yes, a lot of us go broke to have our dream wedding, but that does not justify asking guests to pay for themselves. A lot of people in this post are comparing a wedding to their grandparents or parents anniversaries. That is completely different in that the hosts of those parties are not the guests of honor. At a wedding, you are the host first and guest of honor second. It`s too bad a lot of us (myself included) are stuck paying the bill these days. But I would not dream of asking someone to "pay their way." Gifts are always optional. Even if you don`t expect them, someone is going to give you one. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a cake and punch reception. I would have preferred an afternoon tea and champagne reception but my fiance (who will be footing most of the bill probably) prefers a standard dinner/dance reception. Whether it`s a dinner for 12, a backyard barbeque or a night out in a 5 star hotel`s grandest ballroom, the fact is that as bride and groom, you are the hosts. Grace and class should always come before money.

Sas,

It is not rude to host a cake and punch reception! You can have whatever reception you want! People are probably relieved to see simpler receptions these days because they know what a wedding costs and know a lot of people go broke because of it.

I agree with Vicki...it doesn`t matter what type of reception you have as long as you are gracious hosts and remember what a wedding day is about.

I was invited to a wedding a few years ago and the reception was being held at a local restaurant. The guests were all absolutely appauled when they learned they had to pay for their own meals. Not only was it rude of the Bride and Groom, it was down right tasteless. Trust me on this one, your friends WILL take offense. If it`s only twelve people, break down and foot the bill!

For what it`s worth. I would rather pay and have good food to eat than not pay and only get dessert or punch. Weddings and receptions tend to last quite a while (especially if you have a long drive to get to and from) and I wouldn`t want to leave early just because I was hungry. Finger food platters are less expensive and putting one together yourself is really not that difficult. If you do plan to have everyone pay for their own meal at least warn them...don`t tell them after they show up!

Here`s my 2cents:
I think a pot luck type reception could be fun and intimate with close family and friends. Maybe you could even have a theme, like all italian food, or have everyone bring their favorite dishes. This way everyone is involved. Otherwise, forget the food, and have cake and champagne. Whether your budget is $10.00 or $10,000, this is still your show. I don`t think your guest should be expected to pay.

Vicky,
You are absolutely right. It is not about what you serve or where you serve it that matters. Your guests will be just as happy for you at your small gathering as they would be at a six course sit down meal at a hotel somewhere. And they will respect you for having what you could afford and wanting them to share your day, much more than being strong armed at the door expecting your them to host your wedding! Good Luck to you, I`m sure your reception will be beautiful!

Dear Laura. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! As a professional wedding coordinator, I have a few thoughts that I hope will help you. Traditionally, when you "invite" someone, it implies that you will be paying for everything. This is especially true with weddings, with the invitations usually coming from the parents of the bride. Perhaps you plan to hold your reception in an expensive restaurant that makes the cost prohibitive even for 12 guests. If that is the case, would it be possible to scale back your plans (so they are not so extravagant) by going to a less expensive restaurant, thus making it possible for you or your parents to pay for your guests? One young couple that was paying for their own wedding but didn`t have much money chose to hold their reception in a friend`s backyard for about 50 guests. This could also be done in a park (you will probably need to get a permit from the city, but they will often allow it at no cost to you) if you don’t have an appropriate backyard available. In lieu of gifts, they asked a few very close friends and family members to help out in supplying the food, both homemade and pre-made, and they put it all out buffet style for a nice casual reception. Another variation on this idea would be to hold it at a park or friends home and have the invitations say “Potluck Reception” … after all; everyone knows that traditionally “potluck” means that the guests are to contribute a dish. These would be a very charming and inexpensive ways to hold your reception, if you think they would work for you. Again, even though the word “invitation” implies that you (or your parents) will be paying for everything, certainly every situation is as individual as the bride herself. If you will be asking loved ones to join in your celebration, certainly they know your personal circumstances and will be kind and understanding. And if they are not, do you really want them at your celebration anyway? Whatever decision you make, best wishes to you and your groom for a delightful reception, and a long and happy future together that fulfills all your dreams.

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Your reception should reflect what you can afford. I have attended everything from grandiose to pure simplicity. In many respects the simple wedding reception is far more of a celebration than the grandiose. I have attended a half doxen wedding receptions, in backyards, at a friends house, at municipal or town historic sites where the hosts and their family prepared the food. The point is that if you have no money you can certainly prepare some food and punch form 12 people. I agree with those who say that guests shouldn`t even be approached about the idea of paying their own way.

I agree with most people if you cant afford to feed 12 people what kind of lifestyle are you setting yourself up for??? How old are you? If you truely cant afford it why not a dinner hosted at your house/parents house you supply the food thats really cheap. I dont mean to be rude but if you invited me to a pay for my own dinner "wedding" unless you were close family I wouldnt even go, its tacky rude and tasteless, dont have a dinner just you to do your own thing and maybe in a year have a small get together, i to am on a strict budget thats why i planned my wedding over a year and a half advance im sure you can afford to pay if you saved for a couple of months ..maybe your just being cheap, and you also cant ask for gifts in this situation. Sorry im just honest not trying to hurt you in anyway...