Feeling Pressured
I am so glad I have found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with...the only problem is, the timing is all wrong.
He proposed to me on April 30, 2003, and wants to get married real soon (i.e. December 17, 2003). He says that he can`t wait to spend the rest of his life with me. I find that sweet and all, and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I want to wait a little longer before getting married. I won`t mind getting married on April 2004 or anytime after that. I just want to save up, I guess so I can have a decent wedding. I don`t want my family or his family to pay for it because I don`t want them to have a say or control in my wedding.
Another problem I`m having is my future mom-in-law, she`s great and everything and we get along well in so many levels, but I want her to stay out of my wedding plans. She wants to have a traditional church wedding and a huge reception (i.e. 150-200 people). I know it`s my wedding, and whatever both me and my fiance decide should count the most. She told me that she is proud of me to be her daughter-in-law, and wants every one to meet me, and celebrate in our wedding. I care for my mom-in-law and I understand where she is coming from.
The thing is my fiance and I don`t care much about tradition. We are a laid back, fun couple, and we both want a simple, non-traditional wedding. The way he proposed was totally nontraditional. I only want our direct family and a handful of close friends to be present, no one else. Probably maximum of 50 guests (this is pushing it). I am not into the whole Cinderella ballroom event. I admit it`s nice, but it`s not for me. I`m more the cosmopolitan/ urban/ chic type girl, while my fiance is more the manly man/ boy`s boy type of guy.
Although I want or desire my wedding to be small and intimate, it doesn`t mean I am going to go bare-bones. I do oppose spending 20K and up in a weddding. I feel I can use that money in other stuff like saving for a down payment on a house. I don`t have any grudge on people who wants to spend that much. More power to them. I`m more reluctant in parting with my money. Also, I just don`t like a lot of people to be present. It would be a great opportunity to catch up with Aunt Marge and all the other people I haven`t seen in years when having a huge reception, but I really don`t particularly care for a lot of people.
I have explained to them where I am coming from, but everyone it seems like have a thing or two to say. I don`t want to start this marriage on the wrong foot because I do believe that couples should get blessings from their respective families.
I`m stuck in the middle. It`s causing a huge strain on me. The easiest solution is to break it off, but that would be a cop-out. Help! What should I do?
Posted by Bernadette; updated 08/03/03
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This may sound like an odd question, but are you sure you really want to get married? the last thing you said in your post was the easiest thing to do was to break it off. Believe me, my family is a little koo-koo too, but that thought has never crossed my mind, eloping yes, breaking up, not a chance.
Just a thought..................
Posted by Carri; updated 08/04/03
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The problems you describe do not seem large enough to have you considering breaking off your engagement.
If you want to spend the rest of your life with this man it won`t matter if you get married in December or 5 months latter, in front of 30 people or 200. So be very sure you want this- are you looking for a way out ? if so why? It`s better to wait than to jump in and regret it later.
That said, if you really truely do want this marriage, talk to your fiance and find out what is really important to each of you. My fiance and I wrote down lists of what we wanted, with the most important things marked. This made it really easy to compromise. Try to include the most important issues on both lists. If they are direct opposites, split the difference or trade off. Have the small celebration in December- or a medium sized one in February (maybe Valentines?) or a big wedding in June. Elope and have a big party. Have a formal wedding and a relaxed reception or visa-versa. There are ways to make you both happy.
As for his mom, it`s nice of her to share her dreams for your wedding- but if they doesn`t match up to the plans you and your fiance have that`s just too bad. Tell her you love her and then share your dreams with her. Or ask your fiance to talk to her, it sucks when you agree on things in private but it`s your idea to defend in front of his family.
She could throw an engagement party or even introduce you at a Holiday party, there are other ways to show you off.
Posted by Jewel; updated 08/04/03
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Try to Compromise have a small Wedding with FAMILY & a reception where you can meet EVERYONE.
Hope this helps
Tami
Posted by Tami; updated 08/04/03
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Thanks so much for all your ideas. It really helped. I guess the key thing here is, compromise. A very nice concept, but very hard to establish in real life.
About that question about wanting to get married. I have to think long and hard about that one. I am certain though that I want to marry this man. Does anyone feel this? Or is it just me? Is this the classic cold feet/ wedding jitters syndrome?
Posted by Bernadette; updated 08/04/03
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Only time will tell- think long and hard. It`s an important decision.
Good luck!
Posted by Jewel; updated 08/05/03
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Hi Bernadette,
I feel bad for you that you are going thru all this stress at what is supposed to be a wonderful time in your life. I just got engaged in April to, April 17th to be exact. Congratulations on that. :)
I really think you need to get some time to yourself and sort yourself out. You sound very confused and with a fiancee pushing for a wedding so soon, he`s not helping at all. That`s totally great that you are sure you want to marry him and you`re sure that he`s the one but I think you need to make him understand that you aren`t ready right now. You need to tell him this as soon as possible. If not, you`ll be going into a marriage with the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with, with a lot of doubt and pressure and you`ll feel cornered and trapped and in the long run you may resent him for that. He needs to know that you have every intention of marrying him, but that you are just not ready to be married quite yet.
As for your mother-in-law-to-be, mine can be a pushy like that to, wanting to have input on this and that and everything else. I am a very blunt person and am not one to let someone push me around without saying something. My fiancee asked for her help in our search for a hall and it was hell so when she asked if she could help me with other things after that, I flat out said no thank you, if I need the help I`ll ask. Wedding planning is stressfull enough, I don`t need my mother-in-law stressing me out more by bugging me for this and that and do this and don`t do that. Without hurting her feelings, you need to sit her down, tell her honestly how you feel but make sure she understands that you appreciate her trying to help but you would rather do it your way. It`s your wedding, not hers, do it your way. If you want small, do it small, don`t do a big wedding just cuz she wants that, what fun is that for you? You`ll end up not enjoying what is supposed to be one of teh most enjoyable days of your life.
My opinion on marriage has always been this...if you have serious doubts like this, you aren`t ready. Everyone gets a bit of cold feet, but you are just not ready.
Good luck to you and do what feels right for you, don`t be pushed into something you aren`t ready for. :)
Posted by Carrie; updated 08/13/03
