Asked Too Late

Melissa, If the wedding is not for another year, the bride really hasn`t asked too late, and she may be upset with the groom only because she thought that the bridal party was all done, not because she doesn`t want you. There are also cost factors to consider. She may have taken that into account and had thought this was out of the way in the planning. Do not be upset with her. I am sure that she did not intend for you to feel insulted. A wedding is a very special time in a bride`s life. Be happy for the couple and if you do not want to be a part of this wonderful time, then just decline the invitation.
Maria Louise - Bridal Coordinator

If you are going to decline, be honest and sincere about it. There is no etiquette for choosing your bridal party, making changes. It is just courtesy to give people a fair amount of notice and I believe that she is doing that since the wedding isn`t until next year. She isn`t frustrated with you. If anything, I believe that she is asking you because your husband is in it and since she has to add one more person, she is giving you that honors but if you still do not want to be in the wedding, please be honest and sincere.

Melissa,
If you are really dreading being in this wedding then don`t do it. If you decide to do it and you already have a chip on your shoulder about the whole situation, most likely you will have a bad attitude when the wedding time comes. Im sure the bride would like everyone in her wedding party to be happy about being in it. Personally,if I was in your situation, to keep the peace in the family I would do one of two things: A) Just tell her it is nothing personal but you dont like standing up in front of people in weddings, it makes you too nervous. I dont agree with the other reply where they told you to be honest with her of why you dont want to be in it. In some delicate cases, honesty is not always the best policy. If you tell her that you know the truth (of why she asked you to be in the wedding) it might make her upset or feel embarresed and cause family controversy. --OR-- B) you could just suck it up to keep the peace. A situation like yours has actually happend to me. I ended up being in the wedding and really chose not to care, that method worked out fine for me- except the only drawback was paying for a dress of somebody`s wedding who I didn`t really care about.:)

I do not agree to lie to the Bride. I think that being honest is the best. I know as a Bride, I would never want to be lied to. Treat others as you would want to be treated. Besides, what type of person would be in someone`s wedding that they don`t care for? I guess the same type of person who would lie to a Bride. What would be worse, you lie to her and she finds out, or you tell her the truth up front? I agree to be honest.

Justine,
Why is it so bad to tell a little white lie to keep peace in the family? It would save the bride embarressment and shame if she never had to learn that her future sister in law knew the truth of why she asked her to be in it. Like I said before, if Melissa confronts her future sister in law, then most likely her sister in law would get defensive because she is ashamed. What would that accomplish? I don`t appreciate you saying what kind of person would be in a wedding that they don`t care for, you don`t even know me. It`s not exactly that I did`nt care for the person, I just wasn`t that close to her and she asked me at the last minute because her husband added another groomsman. Rather than causing a hassle to the bride, since I knew she desperatly need another bridesmaide, I agreed to suck it up and be in it. If she would have been rude or intentionally hurtful then of course I would be honest and would have declined. But in Melissa`s situation it is not so extreme and wouldn`t hurt anything to just keep quite and save the bride hassle. I know as a bride myself I wouldn`t want the headache of dealing with that, what I dont know can`t hurt me.

I agree. Lying to a Bride is worse than being in the wedding if you don`t want to be in it. I would be honest and tell her that you feel that it was too late to ask you to be in the wedding and that you ae not prepared for that.

I agree with Justine. Don`t lie. What happens when she finds out about the lie? She will be more upset than if you told the truth up front and that will cause more of a family rift than anything. A little lie turns into a BIG problem.

I don`t see what it is wrong with just accepting the invitation. As stated, she isn`t upset with you, she is upset with her fiance as she has to rearrange her bridal party because he added someone new to it which makes it hard for her. She is more upset with him than with you because of this. I am sure she feels that it is an inconvenience to you as much as it was to her. She is already embarrassed that she had to ask you (which I do not feel is the last minute because you still have plenty of time left to get the gown and fittings). I think it would be poor of her if she asked you a few months before the wedding and you had to run around trying to get the items for the wedding. I am sure that she asked you because she truly wanted you in the wedding. I just can`t believe that she would ask you to be in it if she didn`t want you in it. You never know, she may feel embarrassed for having to ask you after she had already chosen her bridal party. I believe that is why she is frustrated. I agree that you should be in the wedding and if you really do not want to be in it, I wouldn`t let her know. She would be hurt on top of already being embarrassed and I am sure that she is embarrassed!

When you write that you don`t care for someone and another poster calls you on it, they dont` have to know what type of person you are. YOU wrote: except the only drawback was paying for a dress of somebody`s wedding who I didn`t really care about.:) That is what you wrote and Justine called you on it. We don`t have to know you when you put something like that on the board, you are basically telling us about you. Enjoy your weddings folk.

Ursula, thanks for that response. I guess she didn`t realize what she wrote and tried to sugar coat it over. I am straight with people, the truth hurts but a lie hurts worse. As I said, I totally agree that you should be honest and sincere as the other person wrote. It is only fair to the Bride.