Bridal Shower
My future daughter-in-law was informing me of the up-coming wedding plans of her and our son`s wedding. She told me that her side of the family would not be giving her a bridal shower, and that if my side wanted to host one it was our side of the family`s decision.
My two daughters (sisters of the groom) and myself decided that she should have a shower. So we began to organize one. We purchased a bridal shower guest book, a bridal pen, favors, photo album books, invitations ect. As the time clicked on, we visited various places to house the shower near the bride who is still in college. She is a college student and has a summer job lined up. When we asked her for a date that worked for her, she claimed that it would be difficult to get off of a job that she would have over the summer. We told her it would be on a Saturday or a Sunday. She then said that she might be working late. We told her it was a dinner evening shower. She reluctantly said that she could make two different dates. She then was concerned about nightgowns and suggestive gifts that she might receive and was uncomfortable with. She told my son that she doesn`t like crowds.
After all the preliminary work we had done so far, my daughters were frustrated (I was too) over the new responses and excuses as to why we shouldn`t have one. We confronted her and ask her what should we do, and that we have already invested money in things purchased for the shower. I believe she felt trapped and was upset that we were pursuing the shower idea (not knowing that she totally objected to it), and said that it was o.k. To have one and gave approval to two different dates.
We chose June 17 and worked on finalizing plans early. Money was sent as a deposit for the restaurant and cake, and additional plans and products were made and purchased.
As time drew nearer, questions came up as to what color dress should I purchase and what should the father of the groom wear? After questioning my son, he asked the bride`s mother to call and clarify those types of questions.
The bride`s mother called me, (the groom`s mother) and told me that she was wearing navey and that she would like me to wear another color than that. Other wedding info was shared. When I told her that the shower was to be held on June 17th, she responded that she would not be able to make it. She wondered if her daughter could make it? She then proceeded to tell me that if the bride did not want a shower, that the bride had the full say in all wedding matters. When I told her that her daughter at first said that the shower was o.k. On the groom`s side, she told me that she heard different. She reiterated that the bride should have the final say in this matter.
I`m in a quandry. What should I do? What is proper edicate? Were the sisters of the groom and mother of the groom wrong in hosting a shower? Were we wrong to tell her that we had pre-purchased supplies and were in the middle of the planning when she told us she didn`t want one? I also do not think her mother was aware of the bride`s original message to us. What should we do? I feel that if we cancel out now that two things will happen: 1. People will wonder who already have been told about the shower what the problem is, and 2. I feel that the bride changed her mind and it was rude and inconsiderate of her to stop plans - once she said it was up to us. Was it proper edicate for the bride to change her mind? Was it proper edicate for the sisters and I to continue on with the shower plans (midway through) knowing that the bride changed her mind - and yet half heartedly said o.k. To two possible dates?
Was is proper edicate for the bride`s mother to say what she did? Should we back down and cancel the shower? What do we do with invitations written on, supplies opened up and arranged? What do we say to those who knew a shower was planned? Were we wrong in asking her if she wanted a shower or not after the fact and after things were pre-bought?
We planned this shower to help welcome the bride into the groom`s side of the family. We planned this at an elegant historic restaurant - trying to keep with the theme of the wedding. We planned this shower with a good heart/and no malice intended. I just don`t know what to do. Truthfully, I am very hurt and upset. Do I have a right to be? I wonder what the future holds. Please advise.
My two daughters (sisters of the groom) and myself decided that she should have a shower. So we began to organize one. We purchased a bridal shower guest book, a bridal pen, favors, photo album books, invitations ect. As the time clicked on, we visited various places to house the shower near the bride who is still in college. She is a college student and has a summer job lined up. When we asked her for a date that worked for her, she claimed that it would be difficult to get off of a job that she would have over the summer. We told her it would be on a Saturday or a Sunday. She then said that she might be working late. We told her it was a dinner evening shower. She reluctantly said that she could make two different dates. She then was concerned about nightgowns and suggestive gifts that she might receive and was uncomfortable with. She told my son that she doesn`t like crowds.
After all the preliminary work we had done so far, my daughters were frustrated (I was too) over the new responses and excuses as to why we shouldn`t have one. We confronted her and ask her what should we do, and that we have already invested money in things purchased for the shower. I believe she felt trapped and was upset that we were pursuing the shower idea (not knowing that she totally objected to it), and said that it was o.k. To have one and gave approval to two different dates.
We chose June 17 and worked on finalizing plans early. Money was sent as a deposit for the restaurant and cake, and additional plans and products were made and purchased.
As time drew nearer, questions came up as to what color dress should I purchase and what should the father of the groom wear? After questioning my son, he asked the bride`s mother to call and clarify those types of questions.
The bride`s mother called me, (the groom`s mother) and told me that she was wearing navey and that she would like me to wear another color than that. Other wedding info was shared. When I told her that the shower was to be held on June 17th, she responded that she would not be able to make it. She wondered if her daughter could make it? She then proceeded to tell me that if the bride did not want a shower, that the bride had the full say in all wedding matters. When I told her that her daughter at first said that the shower was o.k. On the groom`s side, she told me that she heard different. She reiterated that the bride should have the final say in this matter.
I`m in a quandry. What should I do? What is proper edicate? Were the sisters of the groom and mother of the groom wrong in hosting a shower? Were we wrong to tell her that we had pre-purchased supplies and were in the middle of the planning when she told us she didn`t want one? I also do not think her mother was aware of the bride`s original message to us. What should we do? I feel that if we cancel out now that two things will happen: 1. People will wonder who already have been told about the shower what the problem is, and 2. I feel that the bride changed her mind and it was rude and inconsiderate of her to stop plans - once she said it was up to us. Was it proper edicate for the bride to change her mind? Was it proper edicate for the sisters and I to continue on with the shower plans (midway through) knowing that the bride changed her mind - and yet half heartedly said o.k. To two possible dates?
Was is proper edicate for the bride`s mother to say what she did? Should we back down and cancel the shower? What do we do with invitations written on, supplies opened up and arranged? What do we say to those who knew a shower was planned? Were we wrong in asking her if she wanted a shower or not after the fact and after things were pre-bought?
We planned this shower to help welcome the bride into the groom`s side of the family. We planned this at an elegant historic restaurant - trying to keep with the theme of the wedding. We planned this shower with a good heart/and no malice intended. I just don`t know what to do. Truthfully, I am very hurt and upset. Do I have a right to be? I wonder what the future holds. Please advise.
Posted by marianne; updated 04/01/06
Reply
Marianne,
I am so sorry you are already having communication problems with your daughter-in-law to be. Unfortunately, this is not a new problem; I see it all the time in the wedding planning business.
To back up, it is usually considered a no-no for any of the bride`s or groom`s family to host a shower for the couple. Unless they are distant relatives. Normally they are thrown by friends of the couple, or friends of the couple`s parents. This "rule" is in place to help eliminate problems like yours.
Now that the deal is done, so to speak, you can`t change that.
It is possible that the bride was upset because no one in her family/friend circle could or would give her a shower. While she was emotional over this, she made her initial comment to you about you giving her one.
She may have later realized that her work schedule was tight, and that she may be a little uncomfortable being the center of attention in a roomful of people, some of which she probably wouldn`t know or wouldn`t know very well.
When you and the sisters told her that you had already spent a considerable amount of time and money on the shower, I am sure she felt she had to tell you to go through with it whether she wanted it or not. I know this may not have been your intention, but she probably is trying to start a good relationship with all of you and didn`t want to offend you. Unfortunately, this left you in an awkward spot.
She probably mentioned all of this to her mother, which was a mistake. Now, her mom felt like she had to try and "fix" it for her daughter. So, she said those things to you.
If I were you, I would talk to your son. Tell him that you are sorry if you have done or said anything to offend his bride. You only intended to help and have something nice for her.
From this moment on, I would only communicate through the groom for wedding details. It is his responsibility to keep his family informed. If you ask him a wedding related question that he doesn`t know the answer to, he needs to find out from the bride, and relay it to you.
This makes no sense to most people, but I promise you that emotions run so high during the planning of a wedding, that this may be the only way to handle it.
Also, consider the fact that the mother of the bride may have either been feeling guilty or shamed for not giving a shower, when she spoke with you.
She may have been speaking from that perspective.
Unfortunately, mothers of the groom are usually not as thoughtful and accepting as you. Try not to let this turn you off of good deeds toward this girl forever!
I am so sorry you are already having communication problems with your daughter-in-law to be. Unfortunately, this is not a new problem; I see it all the time in the wedding planning business.
To back up, it is usually considered a no-no for any of the bride`s or groom`s family to host a shower for the couple. Unless they are distant relatives. Normally they are thrown by friends of the couple, or friends of the couple`s parents. This "rule" is in place to help eliminate problems like yours.
Now that the deal is done, so to speak, you can`t change that.
It is possible that the bride was upset because no one in her family/friend circle could or would give her a shower. While she was emotional over this, she made her initial comment to you about you giving her one.
She may have later realized that her work schedule was tight, and that she may be a little uncomfortable being the center of attention in a roomful of people, some of which she probably wouldn`t know or wouldn`t know very well.
When you and the sisters told her that you had already spent a considerable amount of time and money on the shower, I am sure she felt she had to tell you to go through with it whether she wanted it or not. I know this may not have been your intention, but she probably is trying to start a good relationship with all of you and didn`t want to offend you. Unfortunately, this left you in an awkward spot.
She probably mentioned all of this to her mother, which was a mistake. Now, her mom felt like she had to try and "fix" it for her daughter. So, she said those things to you.
If I were you, I would talk to your son. Tell him that you are sorry if you have done or said anything to offend his bride. You only intended to help and have something nice for her.
From this moment on, I would only communicate through the groom for wedding details. It is his responsibility to keep his family informed. If you ask him a wedding related question that he doesn`t know the answer to, he needs to find out from the bride, and relay it to you.
This makes no sense to most people, but I promise you that emotions run so high during the planning of a wedding, that this may be the only way to handle it.
Also, consider the fact that the mother of the bride may have either been feeling guilty or shamed for not giving a shower, when she spoke with you.
She may have been speaking from that perspective.
Unfortunately, mothers of the groom are usually not as thoughtful and accepting as you. Try not to let this turn you off of good deeds toward this girl forever!
Posted by Valerie; updated 04/02/06
Reply
I feel so bad for you after all your hard work. Most brides would love a shower and there are so many that don`t get one and would appreciate it so much. It sounds like you and your family organized this out of the goodness of your heart - just trying to welcome the new bride. Communication is so important and I think the new bride should have been up front with you and said she did not want a shower at all and that she would feel very uncomfortable if you put one on for her. If she did this and you went ahead anyway then I think that you were probably in the wrong. Your son should have got her true feelings and then told you not to have one. She could have been mature about the whole thing and went for the shower to please her new in-laws even if it wasn`t what she wanted. Lot`s of times in the beginning of new relationships people misunderstand each other because they don`t know each other well enough and you really need to communicate well and try not to take offence. I must admit, though, I would be a bit put out if I had gone to all the trouble you did and then got the response you did. For your son`s sake I guess you should try to let it go as your daughter in law will be in the picture a long time! Good Luck!
Posted by Trudy; updated 04/08/06
Reply
This may be late but I kind of know what u r or have went through. First i want to ask u what nationallity u r? second i`ll tell u a bit about my side. My mother paid for my (our) bridal shower, he did not come because of ..... Hell im still waiting for a good answer. But for it to be right in my culture and the american culture both mothers should flip the bill for the shower, its not fair for one person to be dealt with a big amount of money a big bill. Because if anyone wants to go back in the day, in order for a man to marry a woman, the womans parents not only had to pay for everything, but also had to bribe the groom, in a sense. And honestly, the only reason showers r thrown is to help the couple, financially, physically and emotinally.
What u did for your future/present daughter is great, i hope if she hasnt realized it then one day she will. Personally i`m just glad to hear there r families like u an mine out there. Wish u guys all the best
T
What u did for your future/present daughter is great, i hope if she hasnt realized it then one day she will. Personally i`m just glad to hear there r families like u an mine out there. Wish u guys all the best
T
Posted by Teresa MAj; updated 08/10/06
The Wedding Expert
Find wedding caterers on our site....
The Wedding Expert
Find the perfect wedding decor and decorator for your wedding day....
Seating Arrangement.com
Seating Arrangement has arrived! This is the ultimate tool in planning any social event or functi...
Edwards Mansion
Our magnificent mansion is a perfect location for any wedding or formal celebration. Our ambiance...
The Wedding Expert
Find the perfect engagement and wedding rings on our site....
Fairytale Productions
We offer top quality party equipment rentals to make your next event a rousing success. From game...
Fairytale Productions
We create fun with hours of interactive inflatables for kids & adults, and provide our clients on...
The Wedding Expert
Your one stop for all your wedding and reception location services....
