My Fiancee Left Me!!! Help (sob)

Well we all get hurt in life that`s just apart of it. I can`t really say I know how you feel because I don`t. The only words of advice I can give you is to always treat whomever you`re with like the queen she is. Guys like you (and my husband) don`t come along every day. Don`t worry God will send you someone that will blow your mind. Let me tell you something about me that may make you feel better. I went out with a lot of guys before I found my first husband. They were all jerks. I thought I would never get a brake. Then I met who is now my exhusband. When I met him I thought this is the guy for me this is it! But it turned out he wasn`t it. After we got married he started abusing me and it didn`t stop untill I left. After our divorce I started dating again. One day I was getting off work and I remember thinking God please send me someone I feel like I`m about to go crazy!!! Well I walked outside and it was raining and my friend and her husband said they would give me a ride to my car. So she told me to get in the back and it was crammed back there. Because there was my future husband sitting in the seat next to me. I didn`t know it at the time but I would marry him in two months. People think we`re crazy but we`re goin good. What I`m trying to show you is, I know it hurts, I know it sucks, but God does have someone for you. Just because someone walks out of your life doesn`t mean it`s the end of the world. Like I said yes it does hurt a VERY VERY LOT!! Maybe you should pray about it and see how you feel afterwards. And pray that God would help you with the pain. I`ve been there a time or twenty myself. Ponder this for a moment, if she left you because money was tight what kind of a person is she? Was she there just because of the money? Or was she there for you???? Just a though, just trying to help. Just remember that God is there for you when noone else is. I know, he`s helped me a lot more than he should have in this lifetime and he can help you too!
Later
H

Whew! That cardio-kickboxing class kicked my butt tonight. I feel awesome, got me some green chile stew and inhaled it! My friend from the Cancer Research Center is so strong and helpful, and so are all of you. I appreciate your words so much. I`ll get through this, I`m stronger than she ever knew. One of these days I will cure cancer, I know i could do it, I`ll be the best engineer this world has ever seen.

Here`s my song for the day, hope you like!
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The Clash - Train in Vain
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So you say you stand by your man
Tell me something I don’t understand
You said you love me and that’s a fact
Then you left me, said you felt trapped

Well some things you can explain away
But my heartache’s in me till this day

Did you stand by me
No, not at all
Did you stand by me
No way

All the times
When we were close
I’ll remember these things the most
I see all my dreams come tumbling down
I won’t be happy without you around

So all alone I keep the wolves at bay
There is only one thing that I can say

Did you stand by me
No, not at all
Did you stand by me
No way

You must explain why this must be
Did you lie when you spoke to me

Did you stand by me
No, not at all

Now I got a job
But it don’t pay
I need new clothes
I need somewhere to stay
But without all these things I can do
But without your love I won’t make it through

But you don’t understand my point of view
I suppose there’s nothing I can do

Did you stand by me
No, not at all
Did you stand by me
No way

You must explain why this must be
Did you lie when you spoke to me?

Did you stand by me
No, not at all
Did you stand by me
No way

Oh, I feel so lonely today. I miss her so much, but I resent her at the same time. Half of me wants her back and the other half wants to say mean things to her, it`s like my emotions are at war with themselves and I`m caught in the middle. I started beating my buddy at raquetball, and he got so mad he broke his racket on the floor and we had to stop early. Now I`ve got all night to be alone. I wonder if she`s out flirting with some guy at a bar. I wonder if she`s even missing me or thinking about me at all. I saw my old love from high school today, just bumped into her. She seemed very unhappy with her situation, I was so strong in our conversation, and I didn`t even miss her at all. Some day it will be like that with my ex-fiance, and it`s so sad. I don`t want us to be just strangers like that, I just can`t beleive it will be like that with someone I love so much. Maybe I should drink another half handle of vodka and cry into the toilet again.

Thats how alcoholism starts, don`t do that!

I know that it is very hurtful to have this happen and I feel for you very much! She was not worth your loving kindness and someone else will come along and be even better than you ever excepted. Sometimes, things that happen in life are for a reason...maybe she would have been a terrible wife...and you might have been miserable for the rest of your life. You just focus on finishing your degree...you are young and have plenty of life ahead of you...God knows what`s best maybe she was not the best that God has planned for you and God has someone much, much better than you could ever think of or ask for!

Hey all,

Today was so hard. The massage sucked. I`m actually atheist, so the God`s plan thing isn`t so helpful for me. The therapist is so into astrology and chakra`s and that kind of stuff, and I`m just reading a Sagan book on how psuedo-science is destroying science around the world. I was just tensing up, and now I`m really sore. I`m thinking of going out to a singles bar, to see how I mingle with girls, but I should probably wait until the wound from my suicide attempt at least closes up first. I hope I haven`t totally offended all the true beleivers out there, you all should check out an Ayn Rand book.... LOL.

Aw, don`t hate me because I`m atheist.

I saw "Batman Begins" today, AWESOME!

Here`s my song for the day, if anyone still cares....
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Sammy Hagar "I`ve done everything for you"
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HEY!
Well this one way love-affair, it ain`t fair
It ain`t no kind of fair to me
It`s all give and take, and you just take
And I can`t take it, you see
And I`m givin` up on love this time
Me and my friends, we`ll do just fine
Because

I`ve done everything for you
You`ve done nothin` for me
I`ve done everything for you
But baby, you`ve done nuthin` for me
She`s done nuthin` for me

Well you need some pay, a whole lotta money
And be a millionaire
Yeah but when that didn`t happen overnight
I found out how much you really care
(yeah)
All you want, is a whole lotta money
All the rest, is just "jivin" honey
I`ve done everything for you
Aw, you`ve done nothin` for me
I`ve done everything for you
Everything, But nuthin` for me
(You) you`ve done nuthin` for me
Wait a minute........
When I first met you, you didn`t know how to hook a man
Ya done nuthin`
There was so many things, about makin` love you didn`t understand
Ya done nuthin`
Ya but now you know, about everything
And I`ll take you on a pair of wings
I`ve done everything for you
Aw baby, you`ve done nuthin` for me
I`ve done everything for you
I`ve done everything for you, you`ve done nothing for me
Now
I`m going out on the town tonight, and get as wild as I can be
I`m gonna find out what it`s really like, to be loose, high and free
Yeah I don`t care what people say,
I`ll change my mind, its gonna change this day
I`ve done everything for you,
Just one thing, something, anything
I`ve done everything for you
Nothin`, you, you`ve done nuthin` for me,
You`ve done nuthin` for me
HEY! You`ve done nuthin`, (OW) you`ve done nuthin`
You`ve done nuthin` for me
NOTHIN`, ZERO!
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Hey at least I`m expanding my musical repertoire.....
I doubt I will ever talk to her again, time to move on.
Ryan

I still care. Whatever your beliefs are, thats fine because those are your beliefs. I am agnostic. I have my beliefs. Thats part of what makes us who we are and thats great. Makes the world interesting.

Its good that you can now say its time to move on. Good for you.

Hi all,

I feel like a zombie now. Like my mind and my body still work, but there is no real person behind my eyes anymore. I started thinking of trying to reconcile with her again, it just made me have another terrible nightmare last night. Lots of crying still left to do, I guess. I feel like my recovery slid backwards this week. I can`t let myself feel anything anymore, because all I can feel is pain, remorse, despair. I feel like I`m near the edge of my sanity, and anything to do with her might push me over....

I started at Intel this week. OMG my job is complex and difficult. All the people in my group are so insanely smart, it is a little intimidating. Least I`m making the big bucks. I thought the job would help get me over this, but it is just another huge load of stress, seems to just make me weaker. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Ah, today was better. Wednesdays are intense cardio and dinner with my good friend from the cancer research center. It is always so great seeing her, she has been through even worse breakups than I have, if you can beleive that. At least I was never cheated on. The pain seems to come and go in waves. Maybe I won`t wake up crying tomorrow. My job at Intel isn`t so bad.... My boss basically told me she wanted to hire me as a real salaried engineer once my internship ends in December, if that happens I will be so happy. I feel like my recovery from this breakup will never get off the ground as long as I still am thinking of trying to reconcile, it just seems beyond me to really let go all the way.... Some days I feel like I can let go, or that I have let go, but then the next day all I can think about is calling her....

"Loving is the most creative force in the universe, the memory of loving the most destructive."
(some crazy psychologist)

Will this be my life then? Looking around every corner hoping she was there, not knowing what to say if she were. Will I wake up in tears for the rest of my life? Will I ever recover my self from the vast wreckage of my soul? Will I ever be able to love again? Will I ever be able to smile again?

You`ll be fine! You will be able to love again, and if you ever she her, tell her hi and hope shes well, and pass her by like she didn`t destroy you. It will all pass in time. Look at me now, and I was exactly like you. I`m here to listen, like I said before. =)

Omg my heart is on fire. Someone put it out.
Nevermind, just let it burn.
I can`t take the dreams anymore.
I can`t take the tears anymore.
I`ve gone insane.
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Rhyme & reason (most of it anyhow)
By: Dave Matthews Band
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Oh well oh well so here we stand
But we stand for nothing
My heart calls to me in my sleep
How can I turn to it
`Cause I`m all locked up in this
Dark place - and I do not know
I`m good as dead
My head aches - warped and tied up
I need to kill this pain

My head won`t leave my head alone
And I don`t believe it will
`Til I`m dead and gone
My head won`t leave my head alone
And I don`t believe it will
`Til I`m six feet under ground

How long I`m tied up
My mind in knots - my stomach reels
In concern for what I might do or
What I`ve done
It`s got me living in fear
Well I know these voices must
Be my soul
I`ve had enough
I`ve had enough
Of being alone
I`ve got no place to go

My head won`t leave my head alone
And I don`t believe it will
`Til I`m six feet under ground
In my grave
Lying wired shut and quiet in my grave
Leave me here
Leave it to me to waste here

So young here I am again
Talking to myself
A TV blares
Oh man oh how I wish I didn`t smoke
Or drink to reason with my head
But sometimes this thick confusion
Grows until I cannot bare it all
Needle to the vein
Needle to the vein
Take this needle from my vein my friend

My head won`t leave my head alone
And I don`t believe it will
`Til I`m six feet under ground
In my grave
Lying lying cold in my grave
Reason - my reason
Take my head off this terror
I`m fearing I`ll come back
I`ll see
My mind`s all wiped clean
The needle
Make my great escape
I`ll see the cold in time
My head leaves me behind
Let me fade away

I seem caught in time
My head leaves me behind
Body falls cold
And I see heaven

I miss her so much. Why do I have to keep loving her like this? Why can`t I let go?
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Led Zeppelin
"Fool in the Rain"
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Well there’s a light in your eye that keeps shining
Like a star that can’t wait for the night
I hate to think I’ve been blinded baby
Why can’t I see you tonight?

And the warmth of your smile starts a-burnin’
And the thrill of your touch gives me fright
And I’m shaking so much, really yearning
Why don’t you show up, make it all right?
Yeah, it’s all right.

And if you promised you’d love so completely
And you said you would always be true
You swore that you would never leave me, baby:
What ever happened to you?

And you thought it was only in movies
As you wish all your dreams would come true
It ain’t the first time believe me, baby
I’m standin here feeling blue
Yeah I’m blue

Now I will stand in the rain on the corner
I’ll watch the people go shuffling downtown
Another ten minutes no longer
And then I’m turning around

The clock on the wall’s moving slower
My heart it sinks to the ground
And the storm that I thought would blow over
Clouds the light of the love that I found

Now my body is starting to quiver
And the palms of my hands getting wet
I’ve got no reason to doubt you baby,
It’s all a terrible mess

I’ll run in the rain till I’m breathless
When I’m breathless I’ll run till I drop, hey
The thoughts of a fool’s kind of careless
I’m just a fool waiting on the wrong block, oh yeah
Light of the love that I found...

I don`t know why but I like posting my songs here. Every night I fall asleep and feel like I`m spending about a week dreaming, underwater in the depths of my consciousness..
Goodbye for another week.

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Nine Inch Nails
The Becoming
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I beat my machine
It’s a part of me
It’s inside of me
And I’m stuck in this dream
It’s changing me
I am becoming

The me that you know
He had some second thoughts
He’s covered with scabs and he is broken and sore
The me that you know doesn’t come around much
That part of me isn’t here anymore

All pain disappears
It’s the nature of my circuitry
Drowns out all I hear
There’s no escape from this
My new consciousness

That me that you know
Used to have feelings
But the blood has stopped pumping and he’s left to decay
The me that you know
Is now made up of wires
And even when I’m right with you
I’m so far away

I can try to get away but I’ve strapped myself in
I can try to scratch away the sound in my ears
I can see it killing away all my bad parts
I don’t want to listen but it’s all too clear

Hiding backwards inside of me I feel so unafraid
Annie, hold a little tighter I might just slip away

It won’t give up it wants me dead
Godd*mn this noise inside my head

Love your taste in music. Just because I believe sometimes hearing a sad song with really good lyrics helps - try Matchbox Twenty`s "Rest Stop" on their Mad Season CD. Now that`s a break-up song. Believe me, I`ve been there - in fact I`m a widow and the feelings can be very similar. It does get better - slowly, I hate to say - but you`ll find someone when you aren`t looking. Just listen to your mind and body - the cardio is great but if you don`t feel like doing it, be a slug on the couch and watch Indie films.

Yow, that one is mean, Amy! I have a date with a cute little blond girl this weekend actually. I`m feeling better mostly, between the fits of suicidal panic, rage, jealousy, and despair anyhow... LOL. I`m definitely moving nicely into the anger/resentment "stage". I` wondering if I ever really loved her at all, can you even love someone who is as cold as ice and has no heart? She`s the damn definition of frigid, how could I have been so deluded?

My dream last night was the most bizarre thing in my life, where does this weird stuff come from? I`m sure it all has some sort of wierd symbolism, but it`s lost on me. Into the wilderness I go again tonight, at least I`m not dreaming of her EVERY night anymore. Here`s my song for the day....
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Foreigner
"Cold as Ice"
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You`re as cold as ice
You`re willing to sacrifice our love

You never take advice
Someday you`ll pay the price
I know

I`ve seen it before
It happens all the time
You`re closing the door
You leave the world behind
You`re digging for gold
Yet throwing away
A fortune in feelings
But someday you`ll pay

You`re as cold as ice
You`re willing to sacrifice our love
You want paradise
But someday you`ll pay the price
I know

Cold as ice, you know that you are
Cold, cold, as, as, ice, as cold as ice to me
Cold, cold, as, as, ice

Ooh, ooh, ooh, cold as, cold as ice
You`re as cold as ice
You`re as cold as ice, cold as ice, I know
You`re as cold as ice, yes I know
You`re as cold as ice, cold as ice, I know
You`re as cold as ice, oh yes I know
You`re as cold as ice, cold as ice, I know
You`re as cold as ice, oh yes I know
You`re as cold as ice, cold as ice

We wrote emails back and forth all day today. I begged her to come back, I pleaded and rationalized and analyzed. She said no, that she was happy with her decision to leave and she didn`t want to try to be friends. Then I sent her a really mean email, and she responded with an even meaner one. Then we both sent apologies, wished each other well and said goodybe.

I want to die.

OH Ryan I am so sorry. Did you she mention why she made the decision she did?

Kathleen