My Fiancee Left Me!!! Help (sob)

Well I asked her directy if she had been with anyone else, and she said no.

Doesn`t really matter I guess. I`m going out on a blind date this weekend with a girl one of my good friends says will be really compatible. I think I have finally let go. Undoubtedly I will just get hurt again, and it`s too early. I`m a member of a rather rare philosophical group, and so is this new girl, so at least it should be interesting. I`m going to a gamblers anonymous group meeting this wednesday, I seem to have a prolem with that...

I got offered a really good job at intel today, and I`m taking it. I feel much stronger now that I have finally sort of emotionally detached. I`m still in a lot of pain, my emotions are just going wild and I don`t even really know what I`m feeling anymore. I found a lot of good breakup songs, and that seems to help. I still want to email her all the time, but I know I shouldn`t. She tried to contact me today and I didn`t answer the phone, that was about the hardest thing I`ve ever done. I know she`s hurting really bad, and it just hurts me a lot to know that. We`re going to try to be friends, I guess. I just want her to be happy, and for me to be happy, but it still seems so far off. At least I`m not suicidal anymore. I have FINALLY stopped crying all the time. It`s so hard to really let go, but I know it`s over. OUCH!!

Well I asked her directy if she had been with anyone else, and she said no.

Doesn`t really matter I guess. I`m going out on a blind date this weekend with a girl one of my good friends says will be really compatible. I think I have finally let go. Undoubtedly I will just get hurt again, and it`s too early. I`m a member of a rather rare philosophical group, and so is this new girl, so at least it should be interesting. I`m going to a gamblers anonymous group meeting this wednesday, I seem to have a prolem with that...

I got offered a really good job at intel today, and I`m taking it. I feel much stronger now that I have finally sort of emotionally detached. I`m still in a lot of pain, my emotions are just going wild and I don`t even really know what I`m feeling anymore. I found a lot of good breakup songs, and that seems to help. I still want to email her all the time, but I know I shouldn`t. She tried to contact me today and I didn`t answer the phone, that was about the hardest thing I`ve ever done. I know she`s hurting really bad, and it just hurts me a lot to know that. We`re going to try to be friends, I guess. I just want her to be happy, and for me to be happy, but it still seems so far off. At least I`m not suicidal anymore. I have FINALLY stopped crying all the time. It`s so hard to really let go, but I know it`s over. OUCH!!

I am glad you didn`t answer the phone. Thats shows great strength. You don`t want her to think you can`t move on, people tend to thrive on other people`s dependancy. CONGRATS on the new job! I wish you all the success in the world, I really do. Just remember when you go on this blind date, its just a date, nothing more. Take things extremely slow, and just remember, you don`t want a rebound realationship, because thats not only hurtful for you, its hurtful to the other person who may be more invloved in the realationship than you. And what you said about trying to be friends..... It won`t work, I can tell you that right now. After living with someone, I am sure you`ve been intimate, and after going there, there is no turning back, its too akward. Sometimes when a realationship ends, trying to be friends is forced, and that just hurts more when that doesn`t work out either. When I first came on these boards, you posting was the first I read, and I will keep checking in to see how you are doing. Just remember, leave her be, she`ll come to you in time.

I`m feeling so much better now. I`m working out almost every single day and I`m not smoking or eating fast food anymore. I`m finally starting to actually gain weight (which is a good thing, because I`m down to like 125 lbs). I feel so much more energy, and I`m really excited about this new job. Debbie, i really don`t think she has done anything I don`t know about. Our relationship was just going downhill for a long time and neither of us wanted to admit it or end it.

I know it will be really weird trying to date again so soon. Hopefully I won`t make an ass out of myself, but undoubtedly I will. I just can`t see myself not being friends with my old fiance, I just still care about her so much, and I feel I should be there for her. I know it will be hard to see her again, but I do finally feel like I have let go and could be happy seeing her happy with someone else. Besides, I will be eating sushi like three times a week after I get this new job, and I need more sushi buddies, lol.

Now if I could just stop dreaming about her every damn night. I think my subconscious is just stil confused.

I was actually offered another, even higher paying engineering job this afternoon, but I think I`m going to stick with Intel because maybe I can eventually work my way into their research division.

Thanks to everyone for the kind words, and also for the not so kind ones, too. Best wishes to all of you!

The weekends are so hard. I got slammed last night and ended up bawling into the toilet for about six hours, saying her name over and over. I`m trying to cook at home, but all the food in the freezer is portioned into twos, and it hurts to be reminded of her leaving. I`m trying to be strong but I feel like I`m dying inside. I miss her so much, I just can`t beleive that she doesn`t even want to try again. I really do think that she is my soulmate. How did I screw things up so bad? I feel worthless and stupid, like I can`t be trusted, like I would just screw up anything beautiful. I just can`t get over her, I just can`t let go. I`m moving on with my life, but it feels so empty, like it is for nothing unless she is in my life. I`m so codependent. I`m battling with suicidal feelings like every day. I`m a bad person, I hate myself, I want to die.

Ryan,

Please don`t say such awful things... My fiance Matt and I got into a fight several years ago. I drove off angry, throwing my ring at him as I sped off.... He tried to kill himself that night and it has taken me years to forgive myself. He`s okay now, but it still haunts me that I could have lost him. Death is never the answer. Suicide is also selfish. Please don`t say stuff like that. Maybe you need some help, maybe you should go into a hospital or something for a little while. But please, don`t hurt everyone else around you over one person.

What happened to your blind date? Why the sudden change back from your last posting; you were doing so much better! I don`t even know you and I am worried about you. Please don`t do anything crazy, death is not worth this. This is what makes us stronger as people is pain like this, you have to work through it, its not going to go away overnight. I can`t believe you ex-fiance would let you go through this pain alone. Why are people so cruel? Shes not worth it, you are SO much better than this Ryan. The pain is only as real as you make it. Trust me I know. I know everything you are going through, but you have to stay strong. There is nothing wrong with you. You even said yourself that your realationship was going down hill for a while and neither of you wanted to admit it. You have to move on, show her you can do it, that you are your own person. If you are soul mates, you will be together. Patience is key here. Again I know its hard but please know that you can get through it, you just have to try.

Kathleen

Hi all. Thank you so much for posting. At least I know someone out there cares....

I think I was just saying all those things because they are what I knew I should say, but they are not really how I felt. I feel like life has become a dark tunnel with no light at the end. Some days I feel stronger I guess. Whenever I`m alone I just cry and think about her. I am still in shock, to some degree. Still being in this house is so hard. I am supposed to get it all cleaned up by tomorrow, and it`s not happening. I`m not sticking to my exercise routine. I feel like my life has become a nightmare, my worst nightmare, and I can`t wake up. I feel like other people are so happy and they don`t even notice my pain, or they don`t want to see it, and I can`t blame them. Will anything make the pain stop? I have been hurting so bad ever since she left, like pain is all I can feel anymore.
I just want her back, I just want her back, thats all I can think.
I`m really worried about how I`m going to perform at this new job. I got a therapeutic massage but it didn`t really help. I know that if I give her time and space, maybe she will gradually become more open to the idea of coming back, or trying again, but every day feels like an eternity without her.

All I can tell you is eventually the pain will become less and less. I totally relate on the other people around you being happy and felling like they are not noticing your pain. Trust me, they are. They just don`t know what to do, so they pretend like nothing is that bad and try to move on and pretend it didn`t happen. But they do know you are in pain. Most people have also never felt pain this bad before, so they also don`t know how to help someone else cope with it. They feel helpless while you feel more alone. The best therapy is to just vent to one friend or 2 friends a couple times a week, and make sure you let it ALL out. After a while, it feels better, you work things out you didn`t understand before and they can kind of figure out a better way to help you. Also, journals are great too. Great therapy.

With starting a new job, all I can say is stay focused. Personal matters should stay out of the work place, especially when its a new job. Its kind of a good thing, its a timeframe each day where you should and can push it out of your mind. Over time, you`ll focus less on losing her and more on moving forward in your career. You worked so hard to get where you are in your career, enjoy this new experience entirely.

You also might want to take up a new hobby, like rock climbing or karate, or maybe something like art or music or movies. Just know that you are a great person with alot to offer, and remember that there are people out there who are alot worse off (homeless or terminally ill) who still push on each day. If they can do it, you can do it. I am so glad I pushed through, I am at such a great point in my life and I am able to hopefully offer you some good advice that will help you eventually get to where I am. Its a long time away, but this is such a fragile time, you will learn from it and and in a REALLY long time, you will appreciate it.

Kathleen

Thank you Kathleen, for being so kind. Your words help me a lot.

I`m finally starting to feel anger at my ex. Is that a good thing? I feel like she was very cold to me for a long time. I remember times when I was in pain or sick and she didn`t lift a finger to help me. I feel like if she was really trying to make our relationship work for the last year, she would have involved me in the process. She would have made me see just how unhappy she was, and we could have talked about those issues. She just didn`t care about me anough to talk to me. Telling me she was going to marry me when she was having those serious doubts and thinking seriously about leaving was a very mean thing to do to someone. I think she is a heartless snake, with no tenderness in her soul. All she cares about is her new friends and her great job, and she totally left me in the dust, like an old plaything she lost interest in and cast aside. How could someone be so mean? I think she wanted me to be devastated, I think she is relishing in it, whether or not she admits it to herself. I hate her. No I love her. No I hate her! No I love her!!
Is this progress?

Ok, the anger is definitely flowing now. I wrote her a super nasty email (that I didn`t send). I know if she read it that it would probably scar her for life! I was very tempted to send it. She was such a cold person, I hope she finds someone who cheats on her and beats her up, because that is what she deserves. I hate her. I can`t sleep again. OMG what is happening to me?

Oh, I don`t really hate her. I`m just sad and confused. I`m not feeling like the blame is all mine anymore, I think that is a step forward. I found out one of my old friends is doing astrophysics at Caltech for the summer, maybe I`ll catch up with her when she gets back...
Here`s my song for the day...

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Deep Purple - Hush
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I got a certain little girl, she`s on my mind
No doubt about it, she looks so fine.
The best girl that I ever had,
But she gonna make feel so bad,
Yeah, make me feel so bad.

Hush, hush
I thought I heard her calling my name now
Hush, hush
She broke my heart but I love her just the same now
Hush, hush
Thought I heard her calling my name now
Hush, hush
I need her loving and I’m not to blame now

She’s got loving like quicksand
Only took one touch of her hand
To blow my mind and I’m in so deep
That I can’t eat and I can’t sleep

(love, love)
They got it early in the morning
(love, love)
They got it late in the evening
(love, love)
Well, I want that, need it
(love, love)
Oh, I gotta gotta have it

Welcome to Stage 2, resentment. Its healthy, and you are right about her, she is cold and heartless. She did something very malicious and cruel and knew exactly what she was doing and the kind of reaction it would trigger. Send her an email, maybe not as nasty as the one you wrote, but def. Let it out. You have to vent, its only natural and she deserves to hear it. Like I said, don`t say anything too mean, you still are the better person in all of this, but def. Let it out. Maybe then she`ll realize she shouldn`t treat human beings with feelings like garbage. I tell you, you are exactly like I was, its kind of funny seeing it from the other perspective (not funny that you are hurt, just funny to see that other people really DO go through the same stuff I did). The way she walked out on you, look at it as a sign of disrespect to your realationship and to your feelings, because thats what it was. She knew what she was doing when she did it, this wasn`t a spur of the moment decision. She planned this and left you in the dark, leading you on for however long she did. And by her just up and leaving, it was her way of walking out without getting the wrath she deserves. She thought "Hey, he`ll be so devestated I won`t get any grief, just him asking me back in the nicest way possible". You know what too Ryan, if this was a product of her getting a great job and new friends, maybe shes not the person you thought she was. She sounds a little bit shallow and materialistic. I say that because I just get this sense she is always after the bigger and better, not worrying about trampling the people she thinks of as "beneath her". Sorry to just make judgements, but thats what it seems like. Like I said before I`m hear to listen.

Kathleen

Well I don`t agree that if someone leaves then they did something wrong......maybe the other person was doing something wrong? Maybe the person just got scared and didn`t know what to do? Or maybe the person just wanted out and left? It doesn`t matter what the reason is, what matters is that it is now and not after you got married. I have been cheated on. I have been divorce. I have had to start over with no money or anything else. And looking back on it all now.......I`m glad because it has made me that much stronger, healthier, independent, and respectful of myself and my future husband. Good things come to those who wait....your turn will come, just be patient, don`t rush into a new relationship. Be alone for a while. Figure out where you are going with your life, take control, love yourself, search your soul, and then start dating. Dating on the rebound is dangerous and not fair to the person caught in the middle of your situation. Be fair, true, and honest with yourself about your relationship and things you can change for the next time around. Good luck to you and God Bless you!

Oh, god. I`ll have time to digest all that tomorrow. Right now I just don`t even care anymore, I just want the heartache to end. Every song that comes on makes me hurt, makes me remember. I got final confirmation on my Intel job today (go me!). My best friend has been so helpful, and my family has been so absent and even hurtful. I`m sure I`ll be a stronger person and all that. So how many stages of this thing are there? What did it take me, a month to get to stage 2? I just went out and flirted with a lot of slutty girls tonight, it was stupid. I just never even want to get back in a relationship. It seems so pointless, like it will never last, anyhow.

Hi. Thanks for your words, everyone. I`m just feeling sort of numb now. I don`t know if she did anything all that wrong or evil by leaving, but she definitely left me in the dark about her real feelings and intentions for some time. She said she was trying to make it work for a long time, when I think she was just pushing me away. If she really wanted to make it work, she would have involved me in the process. We could have gone to counseling or something. I think she really cared about me, I mean she did say yes when I proposed... I think she was just scared to really let me into her heart, scared of the lifelong commitment. She saw our lives taking different paths, and she didn`t know what to do. She was making lots of new friends, and I was just sitting at home studying every night, with little energy to focus on her, or to go to parties with her. I can sort of see why this happened. Somehow I just can`t even summon up energy to care, right now. It`s over, thats all there is, just gotta learn to live with it. Seems like I wasted so much of my life with her, thats what I regret the most. I should have dumped her for the astrophysicist girl years ago, when I had the chance. I realized I have never been the one to end any romantic relationship I have ever been in. Maybe I just love to be in love a little too much, and blind myself to anything that isn`t right with my partner.

I`ve been doing pushups and situps until my body goes to jelly and now I`m SO sore all over, ugh. I still need to get this house clean, I guess I`ll have to do that now...

Hi Ryan,

Okay, when I went through it, there were 5 steps. It can take a day or a year to move onto the next step, but you are doing well considering. Its healthy. Seriously, its a good thing you are working out, alot of people eat and veg out. Think of it this way, because of her you`ll be in slammin shape! =) I hope that she regrets what she has done; maybe not now, but later down the road when she realizes what she threw away. Would you take her back if the situation presented itself?

Kathleen

LOL, Debbie, why are you so caught up on this thing she must have done that I don`t know about. I asked her, she said there was nothing. If there is something, she`s not talking! I asked her if she had cheated, she said no. You`re like obsessed with this.

Kathleen. You are so cool. I`m happy you found someone that makes you happy. I don`t know if I would take her back anymore. I sort of doubt it would last if we did get back together. It would probably just make the recovery period take a lot longer. She wasn`t willing to follow me to grad school, she was very caught up with staying where she is, in her current job. I even told her I would stay here for her, but now I don`t know if I really would, not forever. If I did, I would probably resent her for it. I don`t really think she returned the feelings I had for her, the devotion, the intense emotional/physical passion, the willingness to do anything for the other. I do still love her, though. Maybe I`m a fool for love (correction I AM a fool for love!). Lets see if I can get to 60 pushups tonight, or maybe 75 in three sets...

Thanks for the kind words Ryan! I hope that you`ll be happy again really soon, you deserve it. When do you start your new job? I think you should sell the ring when you are ready to and go out and treat yourself to something really awesome. Reward yourself for being such a good person. As I said before, if you need to chat, I`ll listen. I hope I have been able to offer some comfort or advice that was useful to you. You have helped me realize even more how strong I really am now and how in love and lucky I am, so thanks. I know that in time, you`ll get there too.

I do have to say Debbie has been really focused on that one point, but maybe she just wants to know what would drive a person to be so cold. And also, I`m not sure if you read that other posting, but god bless Heather for getting through what she did and having the courage to move on and be strong.

Kathleen

I know how you feel! My fiancee of 2 years broke up with me out of the blue! I`m visiting family in Georgia and he still lives in Oklahoma and for the past 2 months and the only way we can keep in touch is via phone. The day before yesterday we`re talking on the phone and we were having a normal conversation. The argument about who loves each other more, our wedding plans, and then... He hits me with it. I don`t think this is going to work out. You`ll make someone else very happy. I don`t know what to do. He is my best friend and I love him very much... I talked to him yesterday and he said that he`ll think about getting back together and that he loves me and he`ll love only me and promises he`ll be with no one else. Why do guys do this?! I need help bad... Anyone please!