Living Together Before Marriage

I moved in with my fiancee after we had been dating for eight months. The decision came because I was seriously injured when I was hit by a car and was unable to continue working during my rehabilitation. I ended up going nearly bankrupt (I worked full-time before and supported myself - I also lived alone). My fiancee and I were not engaged yet, but I moved in because we knew we didn`t want to be apart. My other option was to move 800 kilometers away (about 250 miles give or take a few) to live with my parents. We have now lived together for 3 years. We have had good times and bad times. It is this way with any marriage. Our wedding is our way of announcing the marriage that we feel we already have. Marriage is not flowers, cake, and dresses, but rather it is waking up every day to the one you love, holding each other when you need to cry, supporting each other in your individual hopes and dreams, and having a heart that is dedicated to each other as your one and only. We are planning the traditional wedding (although I`m sure I will get razzed about this as apparantly many feel I`m a sinner - remember though - let he who is without sin cast the first stone - some people say that judging others before you judge yourself is a sin), complete with the white dress, flowers, everything. We want to share our rejoicing in the legal binding of our commitment to each other and declare our love with our family and friends. Just remember, either before or after the wedding, moving in together is a big adjustment. Personally, if you are sexually active, I believe that at least if you do move in together and perhaps you can`t live together (some people just can`t no matter how much they love each other) at least you have the opportunity to break up without increasing the divorce rates (they`re so high already).

Before I got married, I lived with my parents. I got married and since my husband is a Military man, I went back home to my mother and college while he traveled. I visited him in Germany, Hawaii and many other places for summer break but it wasn`t until we moved in together full time (almost 6 years into the marriage) when it became hard. It was like learning him and he learning me. We had visited, I set up house and he came home but like I said, only on leave. When he was finally home for a while and working a desk job with the military, it was a lot to get used to for the first year as we were learning things about each other. For a moment, it felt like he was invading my space. I wish I had lived together before so that we could have avoided some of the arguments but it was worth it no matter what. It is 16 years of marriage and hard work, 10 years of living together and I love him so much. He is my hero. He gave me a beautiful daughter, a wonderful home (not just a house, that is material) and he showers me with love. I say that if you have a chance to live together to learn each other, do it. Sarah, you go ahead and have your traditional wedding, there are people who wear white and have traditional wedding for their 3rd and 4th wedding so you have what you want to have and congratus to you both. I hope and pray that you both have what I have with my husband, a beautiful family, a home and a life filled with love. Everything else, is material.

I would definately suggest living together first. First of all it`s economical. My fiance and I have been living together for two years, he had a beautiful house already when I met him. So instead of me paying rent somewhere and throwing away thousands of dollars over the last 2 years, we decided I would move in with him. This has given me the chance to make his house into our home. I also believe, being in several other serious relationships before finding the right one, that the quickest way to find out if you are compatible with each other is to live together. That is certainly not something you want to find out after your married. So I say it is the best route to take. And in this day it no longer has a social stigma attatched to it because it is now the norm, for the most part. We to are having a completely formal wedding. Good luck with your decision!

My Fiance and I have lived together for almost 3 years now, we moved in together when we had only been together for 8 months. Some may think that was too soon, but my roomate backed out and I couldn`t afford the place on my own ( and didn`t want to live alone). We have gone through many good and bad times. But now that we are 5 months away from the wedding, looking back on it all I wouldn`t have changed a thing. Now, instead of worrying if we really can live together, we already know. That takes a huge burden off the first year of marriage. Like others have said, this way you can figure out if you really can live and be with the person for the rest of your life. You learn a lot about a person by living with them. I am thankful that my fiance and I chose to live together first. I don`t think I would have done it any other way.

Thank-you so much to all of you who responded. I`m very glad to hear of all your success stories, and I hope all of you stay happily married (once you all get married) and in love forever. You have all confirmed my opinion that living together first would actually be more benficial in the end since my boyfriend and I would already know how to live together. I really like what Sarah said about the only thing that truly matters is just having the one you love beside you each day you wake up, and how marriage is just the official part of the relationship. I`m really excited now to get a chance to live with my boyfriend next year! Thanks again for your stories. :o)

You can only wish the best for people who live together before getting married, but the statistical evidence by countless sociologists is that the odds of marrying one time throughout your life drop significantly if you live together before marrying and .....get ready for this .... Practice contraception. I am not taking any `religious` point of view here. These are facts that are easily found on the internet. Couples that don`t live together and don`t use contraception have a less than 2% chance of getting divorced.

Everyone here is speaking personally; and that`s not a bad thing. But if knowing the truth is what you are after and how your marriage may turn out, then `google` some research regarding the studies sociologists have done in this area. You will be glad you did.

I`m all for living together before formalizing the engagement. When you are dating, you are on your best behavior and all lovey dovey. You don`t see how the other person reacts to stress of every day life. You start washing someone`s underwear and taking care of him/her when he/she is sick and having to share the remote control.....you find out real quick if you want to do it forever! (lol) Marriage is a series of adjustments, living together gives you a preview.

I wrote before, but I also had to add in my own 2 cents on the divorce thing (I know of this statistic). I believe that in part this has to do with the fact that of couples who do not live together prior to marriage, and who do not use contraception, a large reason for this is religious beliefs. Someone who does not have sex prior to marriage has no need for contraception, nor do they typically live together prior to marriage. If this is so, then it stands to reason that they would also believe that divorce is wrong. If someone believes that divorce is wrong, then they are more apt to stay married. Until there are studies done that rate the HAPPINESS of people`s marriage against the statistics of divorce, then we cannot truely know whether the cohabitation divorce statistic is true or not. I believe that most people would rather be divorced and happy than married and unhappy.

I also wanted to say that staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of children is also a bad idea. Many children in these situations grow up to feel responsible for the familial dischord and later have their own issues surrounding relationships due to their experience living in an unhappy family. For those who say that the children don`t know, trust me, they do. I have met many people whose parents stayed married because of them, they all feel the same way.

Sarah I am so glad that you stated that here. I have seen my Catholic neighbors (in a very unhappy marriage) stay married because it is a sin to divorce and they actually sleep in separate rooms!!! Can you believe that?!?!? They did as statistics stated, and they are (as statistics state) not getting divorced. I would rather get divorced than to live to unhappily. Also as I stated, I did not live with my husband before we were married (military reasons) but I wish I had because it was very hard our first year living together almost 6 years into the marriage! I was in tears a few nights and thought to go home to my parents because I didn`t know this person! Needless to say that I stuck it out and I really love my husband with all of my heart. I think I love him more because I fought so hard for our marriage but if you have a chance to live together first, do so (if that is your belief). Mark is correct, this is my personal opinion based on my own personal experience. I do not force this on anyone. I love this man so much, I love his breath, his smile, his walk and I love looking at him while he sleeps and when he first wakes up. I love watching him dress and how clean he is. I grew to love his militant ways (he is a neat freak to say the least, the way that I was making the bed was one of our largest fights while I was learning this man) but now that I know and do it the way that he has learned it (with my touches as well, throwing on the sham pillows and throw pillows) we have come together and worked through the little things that turned into major issues. I am no longer fighting for my space but looking now towards sharing our space. You will do 1 of 2 things, you will either grow to love this man on a whole new level after living together or you will grow tired of this man and leave. Isn`t it worth finding out before you pay for that wedding AND divorce or resort to sleeping in separate rooms? Again, just my own opinion.

First of all I just want to say that everyone has their own opinion! I have lived with my fiance for 3 years and we have been together for 5, and we have a child together. Being realistic I think that living together before marriage is a great idea. You learn whether or not you can live with the person you are planning to spend the rest of your life with BEFORE you marry them.

I would like to clarify Mika’s comment. One does not necessarily sin when one divorces as "divorce" is a civil term and not an ecclesiastical one. A couple married in the Catholic Church could get an annulment through the Church ( or dissolution …. Recognizing that a valid marriage never existed), a civil divorce and remarry without ‘sinning’. The Church teaches that divorce is a sin with the understanding that a valid union has been broken. The sin of “adultery” comes in when they remarry with a previous valid union. One could recognize the marriage as valid and agree to leave each other and never remarry and the Church wouldn`t consider that a sin unless it were driven by selfish reasons where kids (usually) suffered as a result of failing one’s marital responsibilities. By the way, and this is personal, I know a number of couples that stayed together for the kid’s sake, put their differences aside for the kid’s sake and the kids did not suffer. They certainly would have if they separated. So the argument that kids always suffer when couples stay together is no more valid than the opposite.

If one`s intent in marrying is only personal gain and living together is purely to "check them out first", then the marriage will probably have problems. The percentage of couples with ‘prenups’ staying together is infinitesimal. Marriage works when the intent of the spouses is agape (sacrificial) love. When one spouse put the other before themselves (and they both do it for this reason), it is highly unlikely that anything will happen to break the union.

I find Mika’s comments interesting because she advocates living together while stating perfectly clearly that she put her love for her husband above all other things. That’s sounds like the perfect attitude. He’s a lucky man (maybe blessed is more appropriate). Any spouse recognizes when someone loves them ‘unconditionally’. It is a profound experience to be loved unconditionally. Isn’t that what ‘for better or worse’ implies? Isn’t unconditional love what everyone wants?

Regarding Sarah’s comments, I was referring to married couples, not engaged couples. Married couples who do not use contraception have a 2% divorce rate. It is a historical fact that every Christian denomination taught that sterilization and contraception ‘was for the dogs’ until about 1930.

Http://www.touchstonemag.com/archives/article.php?id=18-01-038-f … This is a link to an article written by one of the country’s leading and most respected sociologists. He is a professor at the University of Virginia. His research and findings takes this discussion out of the realm of opinion and places it solidly on fact. Experts of different faiths and no faith are verifying his findings. I am sure anyone would find it fascinating.

Mark, that is very well put!

I thought I`d throw in my two cents. I`m a senior in college and currently living with my fiance. We are getting married in July and have been living together since last May. Honestly, I feel that living together before marriage shouldn`t be done as an experiment or to see if you two are truly compatible. And I don`t think it should be done for financial reasons either. This is not based on religious beliefs but my own reasoning. A marriage works because two people are committed to each other and are willing to work together and support each other no matter what. It is the ultimate of compromise and unconditional love. A marriage also needs a strong foundation. You should know about the other person`s personal beliefs on life, living, family, finances, their long-term goals and you also need to be able to accept that those feelings and goals may change as people grow and change. These are also things that people living together should know about one another. A lot of people who live together, though, haven`t made this commitment to one another and haven`t explored all of these important topics. I think maybe the reason why so many marriages that start with living together end in divorce is because these areas aren`t explored because you find that you`re doing fine day to day and then you get married and life and the long-term stuff comes up and you realize you have completely different philosophies in raising children or dealing with finances. My thought is that if you are living together you should be fully committed to one another and you should also know each others thoughts on the various topics I mentioned and everything else you can think of. When my fiance and I decided to live together we talked through all of those things and were/are fully committed to making this relationship last a lifetime. For us we were ready to get married back then, but decided to wait to actually tie the knot til after we graduate from college (which is this may!). Also, the reason why I say you shouldn`t go into living together for financial reasons is because money problems is the number one cause of trouble in marriages. Also, I worry that sometimes people move in together because it is the easier thing to do financially, but not necessarily because it is the best thing for the two of them. The concern is that you may end up being with a person because of money and not the right reasons and you may not even realize it. We do a lot of convincing ourselves that we`re happy or we want something when we don`t. I just really believe that any committment or progression of a relationship needs to be based on that strong core of love and support and flexibility/compromise. With that strength you can get through almost anything. I guess it`s a matter of having a good foundation, the right foundation (well, what i believe is the right foundation). Anyway, basically, what i`m saying is make sure that you and your boyfriend really think things out and are committed to each other and know each other`s views on life, love, and family when you make this decision. I`m sure that you will choose whatever is right for you.

First of all, I know everyone has their own opinion, and I don`t want to start any arguements. I just want to say that I agree and disagree with Traci.

I agree that couples should be fully committed to eachother, and know eachothers thoughts and beliefs on various topics in life, and that we do a lot of convincing ourselves that we`re happy, or want something when we dont.

However, I dont think you shoud only address the high number and issue of marriages that start with living together and end in a divorce. What about marriages that didn`t start with living together? The divorce rates are unbelievably high as well. The divorce rates period are only increasing as time goes by. Almost 50% of marriages end up in divorce.

I`m not saying that you should live together as an "experiment" or "to check them out" because as Traci said, you should know the person you`re marrying before you move in with them, and you should know their thoughts and beliefs on important topics in life. I am saying that in reality things aren`t the same once you move in with eachother, you notice things that you didnt notice before living together.

I think it helps finalize the option of whether you want to marry them or not. But I think you should definitely be fully committed before moving in together.

Whatever decision you make, good luck and I hope everything works out great! Traci good luck and congratulations on your engagement!

I would like to make an observation regarding Michelle`s comments. How can a full commitment be conditional? It is a contradiction in terms. If the purpose of a couple who decide to live together is to learn something they don`t know before marrying, how can it be a full commitment? Quite the opposite, what many have stated is that it is an opportunity to discover something that is unacceptable about the other person. And even if they don`t, statistics show a large percentage of those who passed the `living together test` fail in marriage all the same.

I think a few distinctions need to be made. Clearly discussion in this area could go on forever, when a common basis of discussion doesn`t exist. There are a few parameters that some people could find meaningful. For Jews and Christians, marriage was originally (and still for the orthodox and many others) understood as a covenant. A covenant is not a contract. Unlike a contract it cannot be broken. That is how it is defined for these people (numerous biblical citations available). If two people have the same understanding regarding these issues because they share the same faith, then all the things one learns through living together are not critical to the lifelong commitment they make. Every one of these crtical issues can be understood without living together. Of course two people are going to discover things about each other they didn`t know when they live together. They also may discover things about each other they don`t like. But if a true covenant relationship exists, with a mutual and clear understanding of the criteria that make the covenant binding and lifelong, then they will work all of those other things out. Again, I think that is the precise intent of `for better or for worse`.

I was told there is one chinese character that means `crisis` and `opportunity`. I think that is what all of these unknown differences become under a true covenant commitment. That was the way I understood Mika in terms of expressing her unconditional love for her husband.

I have done a little research in this area. The divorce rate among Catholics is the same as any other group. This was not the case prior to the sexual revolution of the 60`s. Every Catholic couple that was married did so with a common understanding of their faith and the conditions for a valid marriage. Then in the 60`s, 70`s and early 80`s (probably still in many areas), the church got very loose on the requirements. The divorce rate soared. In the 80`s the Catholic Church started requiring those who wanted to get married to follow the guidelines once followed by every Catholic (abandoned for years - here in the U.S). I would expect the statistics to change. I would be interested in what the sociologist I cited in my last posting might know in this regard. Scientific research is a good place to start.

Since the institution of marriage predates civil "law" and is universally accepted by every major religious group to be understood this way (as instituted by God), and countless people lived a lifetime with a small divorce rate for hundreds and hundreds of years, then I would certainly be interested in knowing what people who adhere to different religious beliefs think on the subject. I found the sociologist`s article fascinating. Did anyone else read it?

Anyhow, I know one thing ... I think anyone contemplating marriage show do everything in their power to know at least one thing; that the other person loves them unconditionally and that they love them unconditionally.

I would just like to respond to Mark. You know, you are so busy reading sociologists articles and stating statistics! Why don`t you just face REALITY!

If this were a perfect world, and it were as simple as you state it then the divorce rate would not be nearly as high as it is!

I`m curious to know if you have ever even been in a long term relationship, or if you`re married yourself? Oh and why is it that you are the only guy posting messages on this site?

You talk about all these STATISTICS! And about how it should be "for better or for worse" and how your love should be "unconditional" Well I know plenty of people who didn`t live together before marriage and it ended up in a divorce, because "they just weren`t the person they fell in love with" They were physically and verbally abused by the other. So are you saying that they should "Work ALL these things out" or stay with them because the intent was "FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE?"

You`ll probably respond by saying that if they really knew the other person before they got married, and their love was really unconditional then it could have worked, or they would have found out before they married them that it wasn`t meant to be! Well I agree. Unfortunately, in the REAL WORLD people don`t talk about eachothers beliefs, and thoughts on life as much as they should. I think that is why almost 50% of marriages end up in a divorce!

I also notice how you responded very quickly to what I said about living together before marriage, but you had nothing to say about why marriages that DON`T start with living together, end up in divorce! Go ahead and read another article and tell me why!

HI Michelle,

My observations were not a personal attack on you. I was just noting how you apparently contradicted yourself. But if my comments seemed insensitive, I apologize.

First of all, working things out in an abusive relationship is not "for better or worse" according to my and millions of other`s belief system. I can only speak with regards to Catholic teaching for the past 2000 years. And until Henry the VIII, that was the only Christian teaching on the subject.

According to canon law (and maybe only Catholics would care about this), a valid marriage DOES NOT exist if a person is abusive in the ways you are describing and their abusive nature was not something that slowly developed over the course of a valid marriage where both were part of the `personality change`. For example, whether or not a couple lives together, if one person misleads the other only to get married and this becomes apparent almost immediately after the marriage, it is clear grounds for an annulment. That`s probably wht you mean by "they just weren`t the person they fell in love with." We probably agree more than you think.

Again, a distinction has to be made between a `civil` marriage and a `faith-based` marriage. One is before God and the other is before a judge who may or may not believe anything and could care less what the couple believes. I think you would agree that simply saying "I love you" can easily be a line of $#@%. Wouldn`t you agree? Also, if a person realized their spouse con-ed them and found out that they were only using them before getting married, they would have a moral obligation to leave.

I have not found definitive data, but you might want to look at this ... Http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=173889 ... This link would incline anyone to believe that orthodox Jews who share the same belief system and pray together have a considerably lower divorce rate. It`s true for Christians. It is just my opinion, but for people who share no belief system, I think the likelihood of staying married is a `crap-shoot`. This probably explains the 50-50 odds today. Belonging to organized religion obviously would make no difference if the couple doesn`t understand and live this reality either.

To satisfy your curiosity, I am launching a new product through the bridal market, and this is my reason for being a member of PartyPOP. Regarding your other curiosity, I am in a committed relationship. Both my wife and I have only been married once (to each other -17 years) and only dated for three weeks before deciding to get married. Even though we come from two different countries with two totally different cultures, we share the same faith. Anyone who doesn`t think this isn`t a big advantage isn`t facing reality. It is a FACT that people of any organized religion where the couple can thoroughly know what the other believes and where each adheres to all of the teaching of their faith (Muslim, Christian or Jew) has a huge, HUGE advantage over those who are guided simply by "feelings" and “test-driving” each other.

Michelle, I am not going to apologize for `reading`. Some information is better than none. It beats pure conjecture any day.

If one considers that marriage is the most important relationship that exists, and they believe it is an institution established by GOD, then those who "don`t talk about their beliefs", are about as prepared for a successful marriage as someone trying to go to the moon with a single engine pilot`s license.