How Should I Word It?

Hello.

This is quite a heated debate. I am quite surprise that many of you feel so strongly about this!

I have received numerous wedding invitations in the last few years. Several of them have included a note including where the bride and groom are registered. As a guest, I`ve found it convenient. I suppose that in my mind it is tackier to show up at a wedding with a really awful/unwanted gift than it is for a bride and groom to specify what it is that they want.

I feel that my situation is a little different. I am getting married next year. Both my fiance and I have been married before. Not only do we have all that we want, we live in a city where cost of living is high and space is precious. Most of our family members live in the midwest were cost of living is cheaper; therefore houses are bigger as are the things that go in them. We`ve opted to have our wedding near our family as it will be more convenient for aging grandparents and the like.

I am wondering if there is a graceful way to mention that we prefer either no gifts or a contribution to a honeymoon fund?

I know that I will get blasted for this, but it will be incredibly inconvenient to lug home a truck-load of gifts on an airplane. In my first wedding I tried not registering in hopes for money. It doesn`t work. You will get ALOT of towels/towel sets. Trust me on this. I will be in towels until I am old an grey. Although, I will get a lot of gift receipts, many of the stores that are in their area aren`t in mine. My mother would be left to return all the gifts.

I suppose I could rely on word of mouth, but since any gift that we should receive would only inconvenience my mother, I would really rather not receive a gift at all.

There has to be a polite, yet effective, way to mention this?

Hey there!

I think I answered my own question. There are a ton of honeymoon registries out there. And some, like thebigday.com will even guide you on etiquette.

"I suppose that in my mind it is tackier to show up at a wedding with a really awful/unwanted gift than it is for a bride and groom to specify what it is that they want."

Seems that you might be confused about the meaning of a gift.


By the way, it`s perfectly acceptable to answer what you`d like if people ask. Other than that there`s no acceptable way to put gift requests or demands on your guests, especially not with your invitations.

I don`t even understand the debate over this post. Don`t you give presents at the shower, which of course the couple registered for? Then give a card with money for the wedding? I`ve never been to a wedding where someone brought a gift.

I`ve come to realize that this might be the difference between midwestern weddings and weddings in coastal cities. In all the midwestern weddings that I`ve attended there have been tables set up specifically for the gifts. I`ve heard that in NYC, money for the wedding is more appropriate.

I`ve read the many etiquette websites and come to realize that though common it is not considered proper to include the registry info in the invite to the wedding. I asked my sister, who lives and recently got married in the midwest, about this today and she insisted that I put the registry info in the invite to the wedding. She said that when she sent hers she tried it without and people were upset/offended with her for not thinking to include it. She`s been involved in ten other weddings in the last two years and it`s been the same for all.

I am not saying that she is right for everyone but I think for the close-knit Midwestern town that I`m from including the registry info is more appropriate.

On a side note, I still think there is an etiquette in gift-giving and I`ve checked this on theknot.com and they agree. While a gift should always be appreciated I would still think that it`s tacky to show up to a wedding with something unwanted/not on the registry. That is all that I meant by my earlier comment.

Believe me, someone once gave me an insurance policy as a gift, which I was expected to take over the payments!

I totally agree with you -I guess it really depends on where you are from. I`m from northern NJ and there`s no way in the world you`d ever see someone bring/give a present at an Italian wedding.

So ask your friends who are from the same area--maybe they could provide more useful advice.

It`s never tacky to give someone a gift. The fact that the recipient might not like the gift is just too bad. It`s the thought that counts. And registries are not demand lists. They were supposed to be for china, silver and crystal patterns so that she wouldn`t receive 12 mismatched place settings. Today`s registries also usually include other household items as well, but the registry was never ever meant to be a demand list. It`s a way for guests to get an idea for what the couple`s tastes are and what they might need. It`s not a demand list for greedy brides. In no way is it mandatory that they purchase a gift off the registry. And in no way is it tacky if they decide to pick out something else of their own choosing for you. If you don`t like it then you thank them graciously for their generosity and thoughtfulness and then either return it or give it to someone who will appreciate it.

Oh, and the midwest. I don`t believe for a second your stories about all midwesterners being gauche and rude.

Hmm, I wonder if I`m on to something here, Dawn?

I discovered the money-for-wedding-present custom from another bride from New Jersey. Honestly, it`s just not something I`ve ever seen done in the Midwest. I get the impression that weddings in coastal cities tend to be more formal. Adopting that kind of formality with the attendees of my wedding would seem weird and almost uncomfortable.

I don`t necessarily see one custom better than the other. It`s just different. Like I said the weddings that I`ve attended in the Midwest are close-knit. Often times, the families of the bride and groom will have grown up together; the caterer will have been a family friend...etc. All the guests will know each other and the need for formal behavior is moot.

When my NJ friend tells me of her wedding it is much, much, more formal. She had a specific time for c_cktail hour, dinner, receiving line, and then dancing. I get the impression that everyone stood up a little straighter, addressed some guest by `Mr.` or `Mrs. -- that kind of thing.

Linda, I think it`s unfortunate that you find my family and friends` customs so rude and gauche. A Midwestern wedding is truly a wonderful experience...almost a community experience. Guests are often warm, friendly, and laid-back. They aren`t the type that would spend most of their time looking down their noses and sniffing about the rules or etiquette. I would love to invite you to one; somehow, I don`t think you`d fit it.

The ‘rules’ of etiquette are prescribed by the social convention of the group of which you are a part. If the group is different, the convention is different.

I see you are not very popular on this board. Gee, I wonder why?

Soapy, first of all I think you are confusing formality and manners. Formal or informal, the same basic manners as to how you treat your guests apply. Just because the wedding/reception itself might happen to be more on the informal side doesn`t justify asking for gifts in the invitation. I`ve received formal invitations that look like they`ve come from royalty and I`ve received invitations that might have been purchased in aisle three at the five and dime. The prices, decor, writing styles on the invitations surely vary, as do the dress codes, locations, decor, food, entertainment etc at the weddings themselves. Wedding styles vary, no doubt about it, and one is not better than the other. However as much as they vary, the manners are always the same. Hosts must be gracious and consider it an honor to receive their guests. That must be proclaimed in the invitation. Submitting gift requests in the invitation contradicts that.

You stated that "the rules of etiquette are prescribed by the social convention of the group of which you are a part. If the group is different, the convention is different." Absolutely right! I agree. And if your "group" finds this practice acceptable, then I don`t see any reason why you shouldn`t partake. Perhaps in your circle of friends and family this is the way it`s done. Right or wrong by society`s standards, it`s obviously acceptable in your family. Justify it that way for yourself, and you`ll get no argument from me. But don`t try to justify it by claiming an entire region adheres to this practice.

You`re right about one thing though, midwestern weddings are wonderful! I have no issue at all with the midwest or it`s weddings. You needn`t worry about my fitting in, I`ve fit in quite comfortably to many over the years. In fact, believe it or not, I prefer the more laid back weddings to the formal, stuffy, uptight ones. But still, in all my years I`ve never gotten any type of wedding invitation, formal or informal, north, south, east or west, presumptuous enough to dictate gift information.

I guess weddings in coastal cities are a little more formal. But I have nothing to compare that with since I`ve never been to a wedding in the midwest & I don`t have family out there. But we certainly don`t speak to one another using `Mr or Mrs.`
Also people here also spend a lot on weddings. I know that my friends have spent between 30-60k! My fiance & myself are paying for our own wedding and will probably spend around 15k. And YES I do know people who look at me like I`m crazy when I tell them we`re having a small Friday night wedding. The norm here is to have bigger wedding which is more costly.

Wow!

It sounds beautiful.

You will laugh but I`m trying to keep my budget under $1500. It`s a park wedding with a super simple wine/cheese reception after in a garden house. I tend to prefer intimate weddings, so it fits my style.

Hope you have an wonderful wedding! Good luck!