Need Help, Please Don`t Trash Me

Do you have someone that you can talk to about this situation? A psychologist? A minister/priest? I don`t feel that anyone on this message board is equiped to help you make such a huge decision. Get some professional advice/help.

Confused.

I am in a similar situation. I`m getting married to a wonderful guy who I love very much. He does everything for me and much more. But, I still think of my ex. We had an electrifying relationship which ended suddenly when he had to go abroad 5 months later. It was a sad moment, but we kept in touch and promised each other we`d reunite. Time passed and I met someone new - I met my Fiance.

My ex is still never far from my mind because I still think he`s the ONE... But, lifes too short to hang around waiting. I often wonder whether my constant craving for my ex stems from the fact that we never got the opportunity to live out our relationship. I`m a great believer that if something was meant to be - it would have been....

Anyway, the only advice I can give is that you think of your future! You can`t change the past, but you can the future. You have a wonderful new partner who loves you. Be happy and consentrate on all the good and exciting things you can do together. Remember, there are many people less fotunate than us who would give their right arm to be in a loving relationship.

Good luck....

H, thank you so much for your kind advice. I can tell you have a good heart. I think you`re right, I also feel that the reason why I still think about my ex-husband is because our relationship was never like the one I have now. I also think that the hurt I still feel comes from the bad divorce we went thru. And I feel I met the right person which is my new husband, and I think that this was a good decision since he treats my children like his own. It`s hard to find someone like that! I will give our relationship time to grow, I`m sure it will, he`s such a great person, (completely opposite from my ex-husband) who would treat me indifferent, and humiliate me by telling me I was fat, even though I only weighed 125 lbs. Telling me I was ugly, and now that I have met my prince charming I don`t know how to act since I`ve never had this. I need to go talk to someone professional, maybe a psychologist or family counseling to get me thru this, I appreciate your advice though because it was sincere. Good luck to you too!

I can`t figure out why you want to go back to a man who hit you and beat you. You need help fast. You need to see a counselor or psychologist as soon as possible.Also, no real mother would want her children to be exposed to such a bad person - an alcoholic who beats up on women. Do you want your kids to see him hit you again? Do you want to take the risk that he might verbally or physically abuse your kids? He WILL NOT change, leave him in the dust and get someone better for yourself. You don`t love this man, you probably pity him and feel sorry for him, and are confusing these feelings with "love". Its okay to feel sorry for him, but don`t go back to him and live with him.

Confused,

It is hard to forget a past, especially if it left a mental scar. But, I think deep down you know what is right for you - you`re just scared of letting yourself go. Afraid of what the future has in store for you. You`re feeling vulnerable and there`s nothing wrong with that.

I also met my ex after a traumatic and stressful relationship. He made me feel good about myself and suddenly I felt alive again. But then the day came when the bubble burst and there was nothing I could do. I felt so empty and lost without him.

I recently received news from my ex - he was ready to return. I was so tempted - so very, very tempted. Eventually, my fiance noticed there was something wrong and confronted me one night. II told him everything. He had suspected I still had strong feelings for my ex, but accepted that it was now part of my past and in time I would forget him. He didn`t pressure me, but supported me and I loved him even more for that. My ex is part of my past and that is where he will alway remain. I still have the memories and that`s good enough for me.

You too will always have your memories - whether good or bad, no-one can take those away from you. You will come good in the end. Just have faith in yourself and what you are doing. You deserve to be happy - and you will be...

Nadia,
I would have to say you are wrong. Some abusers do change. Alcoholics do recover, if and when they want.
My finace has hit me in the past and that is exactly where it is at too,in the past. I has been almost 5 yrs since then and we have a great relationship. We went through the whole domestic vilonce, restraining order and all of that. When we realized what it did to our kids, though they didn`t see it, but not having their dad around things changed. And I will admit I have hit him too. But we grew up and realized there are better ways to deal with our problems.
I am a firm believe almost everybody deserves a second chance, people DO change!

I guess the whole thing is really about my children being around their real dad. Even though my husband loves and treats them as his own, I feel they still need their dad. I have a restraining order against my ex-husband but he continues leaving me voice mails at work. I don`t speak to him I just listen to the messages he leaves me, all he wants is news from the kids since I`m not letting him see the kids right now because of an incident that occured almost a month ago. My husband insists I don`t let their dad see them. I am so confused, I feel that I have to stay with my husband out of gratitude for all the things he`s done for the kids and me! Sometimes I don`t know if it`s really love. I know I care about him, but I also know that if we weren`t together, I`d be ok also. I don`t know what to do!

Well I am not sure you gave yourself enough time. Relationships that are on again off again with restraining orders can be addictive because it doesn`t get solved. So right now any chance to resolve what happened is going to pull you back unless you have had distance. Having kids with him will be hard to create the distance, but it sounds like you are in a very good relationship right now. It might not have the same chemistry because he actually cares. If he left you though I bet you`d have the same longing for him. I would take my time and try to look at how wonderfull a relationship you have now and really appreciate it because you have done something to deserve a new start

Michelle, thank you for your kind words. I am seeing a therapist right now that is helping me greatly and helping me get past all this anger and hurt that I was holding on to. I think more than anything I felt guilty about not having my children with their real father. But then I realized, what good am I doing to them, if I am subjecting them to an abusive person. I still hurt inside because my relationship didn`t work with their father, who gets married thinking of a divorce? Not me, and I tried so hard to make things work with him. I spoke to him last month and when he started telling me that he wished we were back together and that the kids need him and that if we were all together, things would be great. All those words sent chills down my back! Seriously it sounded like an evil plan. I went thru so much with him, that now I know that I`m with the right person. My new husband adores my children and me. And we love him very much also! My therapist told me that everytime we loose a relationship it takes a year to heal. But he also told me that if you see that person daily or continuously the healing time is longer. That makes a lot of sense, I am trying hard to look forward and accept this new happy life that both my children and I have. Thanks again for everyone`s advice. We are busy planning our wedding for 7/16/05!

You are really in a hard position to be in. I think that you know what to do in your own relationships, but you are still stuck on what to do about your kids (i could be wrong). I`ve worked with abused children and was one myself, and one thing I`ve realized is that kids, no matter how aweful they are treated, still want the love of their parents and the acceptance of their parents and still really love their parents, there is just something about the natural bond between parent and child that keeps a kid going back to their parents even when they are treated badly by them. It is important that as long as your ex is not hurting your children, they be allowed to see him and keep in contact. It may not be something you want to see happen, but it is very good for your kids. If you are worried about your ex not treating them right, then you might set up supervised visits, or set aside a time each week for them to call him and talk to him. I think that would make your kids happy and him happy and your kids will be safe and hopefully then he`ll leave you alone.

Speak of the devil. I just spoke to my ex-husband about an hour ago. He sounds like he is really trying to change. I hope it`s true. He sounds pretty sincere. I was supposed to drop the kids off at a park so he could see them. I didn`t take them so that`s why he called. I feel that I let my new husband influence my decision making a lot. I tend to make decisions based on peoples feelings. I look to protect everyone but myself. Does that make sense? Every time I hear my ex-husband`s voice, I think of the past and wish we could go back two or three years ago and still be together and try harder to make things work between us. Right now I was contemplating being with him and the kids and I together again! I have very strong feelings for him, and I feel my heart "ache" when we talk. I feel like crying and just forgetting everything we`ve done to eachother and try to be together again for our children`s sake! I grew up with my mom and dad fighting but they were together, and now they`re great together! My dad also had an alcohol problem and at times was abusive, but now he has changed and has been sober for so many years. My mom had the courage to stay and wait it out. And I feel I could have tried harder, fought harder to save my marriage and family. I miss my ex-husband dearly and the only reason I got married to my new husband was to give my children a more stable family environment, but he`s not their father, and I love him, but I don`t love him, love him. I care about him and feel I have to be with him out of gratitude. The only reason I stay with my new husband is because I know all of my family will turn their back on me and never speak to me again. They want me to stay with my new husband because he is a great person. But what about my happiness? Even back in June my ex-husband and I spoke about getting together again and trying to make things work out, I loved the idea. (This was before my new husband and I got married). Like I said, I only got married out of gratitude and now don`t know how to get out of this relationship.

CONFUSED,

IF YOU WANT SOME HELP PLANNING YOUR WEDDING I CAN SUGGEST USING MY WEDDING PLANNER. SHE WAS SO INEXPENSIVE AND DIDN`T EVEN CHARGE ME FOR JUST BUYING STUFF. SHE ALSO HAS GREAT IDEAS. HOPE EVERYTHING WORKS OUT. F4CHUNE@HOTMAIL.COM

Dear confused, my mother married a guy that was an alcoholic and would abuse her verbally and physically and what you need to realise is that people who do this dont really love you... They like to think they do but its all part of them having the upper hand and trying to control you.
The feelings your having towars your ex are normal... You still have feelings because its all you have ever known... And having grown up in that situation i know that the best thing you could possibly have done for your kids is to sepparate from someone like this and when thinking of your ex think of the damage it could do in the future..

It sounds like your new husband respects you enought to care so much about you and he needs to hear the way your feeling and i honestly think it wouldnt hurt you to deal with the issue of having been in an asusive relationship before deeling with the new marriage problem.. I think that when you begin to understand what was wrong with your first marriage you may look at your new marriage in a different light...
I hope this helps in some way
From trust me

Dear trust me, I am trying to make my new marriage work out I know that my new husband is trying so hard to make my children and me happy. We are taking one day at a time, thank you for your advice. I`ve been trying to do this, what you said about everytime I feel like I have feelings for my ex-husband look back at what he did to me and how he abused me and treated me. That way I will never think of going back to him. My children are happy, more than I`ve ever seen them! And I know it will only get better, thank you again and God bless you!